Dear friend,
There has likely been someone in your life
who hurt you
but later regretted it.
They apologized to you
and you forgave them.
It was a painful situation
but you got over it.
There may also have been someone in your life
who hurt you badly
but did not regret it.
They never ever apologized
and aren’t likely to anytime soon.
It remains a painful situation
and you haven’t gotten over it.
You may have been advised
by well meaning people to forgive this person.
To which you have replied:
“How can I forgive someone who isn’t sorry?”
Let’s look at this
It may surprise you
but you are capable of forgiving anyone
— whether they are sorry or not.
You may not want to forgive
this person who hurt you so badly.
He or she may be mean,
cruel, destructive and sick.
And you may to this day
remain furious with them.
But I assure you
that if you decide to forgive them
you can.
And you can do it
without setting yourself up for more pain.
Really? you ask me.
Yes, really.
You are fully capable of accomplishing that task.
But WHY? you ask.
Why should I forgive them?
Is it really necessary
for me to forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
The answer is Yes.
Yes, it is vitally necessary.
As long as you have not forgiven them
you remain emotionally attached to them.
You are still their victim.
You are continuing to suffer the hurt
they inflicted upon you.
You are continuing to suffer emotional pain
from what they did to you.
This means: They still have power over you.
You are actually carrying on
inflicting the hurt they did to you back then
as you re-live it again and again
many years later.
My, they have a long reach…
Turning the tide
To turn the tide on this painful situation
you must take back your power.
You must stop giving this person the power
to continue, in your memories, to hurt you.
To take back your power
will require a courageous act.
You are going to take back your power
through the profound act of forgiveness.
Through forgiving the person who hurt you
your heart and mind and soul and body
are finally going to become free
of what they did to you.
You will have risen above both the pain
and the perpetrator.
OK.
OK, you say to me.
I am skeptical that this is possible
but I am willing to hear you out.
How do I bring about this solution?
What do I have to do
to be able to take back my power?
How do I finally get free
from being under their power?
Five strong steps
You will have to take five strong steps.
1) Decide to end the pain.
You must make an ironclad decision to end the pain
for the simple reason that
you are sick of being their victim.
2) Challenge yourself:
You must repeatedly challenge yourself:
“Why do I allow my pain to continue by re-living it?”
“Why am I repeating this hurt in my angry memories?”
2) Protect yourself from a repetition.
You must put in place whatever boundaries are necessary
to ensure that this person cannot hurt you again.
3) Recognize and accept that you have no power to change this person.
The person who hurt you
may be mean, cruel, destructive and sick.
But you did not cause their sickness.
You cannot control it.
And you cannot cure it.
You must accept that you cannot change them.
The only person you can change is yourself.
4) Decide to let go of your hurt and anger
and replace it with compassion.
There are many mean, cruel,
destructive and sick people in this world.
I assure you, their lives are miserable.
The person who hurt you so badly
is unlikely to ever be happy and free.
It takes a big heart to realize
that a sick destructive person
can’t just snap their fingers and change,
even if they would decide they need to.
It takes years of therapy to transform a destructive person.
Until they are willing to face themselves
and work hard to change
they remain imprisoned in their own darkness.
So what is the compassionate response
to the miserable lost person who hurt you?
“Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do.”
This is what Jesus said
as He was dying on the cross.
He forgave the sick people who crucified him.
Those lost and destructive people did not realize
the tragic depravity of what they were doing
with such fanatical zeal.
And I assure you they were not sorry.
Now it is your turn
Now it is you who is called to be compassionate.
Now it is you who is called to forgive.
Let’s review how you get to this point:
You decide to end the pain.
You challenge yourself to stop reliving and perpetuating the pain.
You protect yourself from being hurt by this person again.
You accept you have no power to change this person.
You summon your best self to let go of your anger
and replace it with compassion.
Why are you able to do these difficult things?
Why are you able to prepare yourself
by doing what will allow you
to forgive someone who isn’t sorry?
You are able to do it
because you have a generous heart
that loves freedom.
So be generous to yourself.
Let your heart forgive
and be free.
"Holding on to anger is like poisoning yourself and waiting for the other person to die."
Dr Hall, this is terrific advice. What I take away here is regaining and retaining our personal power over our happiness and peace of mind.
The only person we can change is ourselves.
That being said, I don't think forgiveness is always required here. I have a handful of people that I have no intention of forgiving. But I don't dwell on them or allow resentment towards them to dominate by thoughts.
It's about personal power over our own happiness.