How can I tell if a person has the potential to be a good partner?
Dear friend,
Most of us don’t do much of an evaluation
before we get into a relationship.
After we have made a painful mistake
we ask ourselves:
“What was I thinking???”
If the answer is:
“I wasn’t thinking”
our next step is to ask:
”How can I do better next time?”
So…
Is it possible to tell
before we get involved
whether or not a person we meet
has the potential to be a good partner?
Yes.
Yes, it is.
There are many positive qualities
we can look for.
But there is one quality
that is the most important.
If this one is absent
none of the others
will be able to make up for it.
And if this one is present
flaws in other areas
will be more surmountable.
Let me explain…
The unfortunate misperceptions of the infant
Every mother knows
babies are not born alike.
One is born placid and content.
The other screams bloody murder.
One is easy to feed.
The other resists the breast (or bottle)
as if her milk is poison.
Right from the git go
infants are different.
This is because at an unconscious level
they perceive the mother figure differently.
And it is through the lens
of this early first perception
that they will see everything from then on.
I learned through my own psychoanalysis
that my misperception of my mother
when I was an infant
had made me scared of the world.
When I was born
I misperceived my mother’s breast
as a bad and dangerous object
being forced upon me.
This fantasy was evident
in the content of my dreams
and was confirmed
in my mother’s account of my behavior.
She said I refused to breast feed
and screamed for hours on end.
My father was attempting to write a book at the time
so I can imagine how little silence
he had in our tiny rented house
on the beach of Lake Erie.
Overcoming my fearful misperception
and original mistrust of my mother
—who was in fact gentle and kind
to me and my brothers—
took long hard analytic work.
So how does fear relate to evaluating a potential partner?
Well, the unconscious infantile fantasy
that our mother is bad and dangerous
is unfortunately quite common.
We all have some degree of fear
and misperception of our mother
regardless of her actual nature.
The question is:
How much fear did we start with?
How much of it have we overcome?
The spectrum of remaining mistrust
goes from mild to major.
At the mild end of the spectrum
are those of us who find it somewhat difficult
to be trusting of others.
At the major end of the spectrum
are the psychotic patients
I treated in the psychiatric hospital
who were filled
with extreme paranoid fantasies about their mothers
and saw the rest of the world the same way.
Fantasy is not reality
In the vast majority of people
our unconscious fear of our mother
has very little basis in reality.
Yes, our mother has negative qualities and failings
just as we do.
But we misuse the negative qualities and failings
we observe in her as we are growing up
to “verify” our original unconscious judgment
that she is bad and dangerous.
In most cases, she isn’t.
Very few mothers are in reality
anywhere near as cruel and sadistic
as the infantile Bad Mother misperception
that many of us unfortunately
harbored as we began our lives.
Insight
If we don’t achieve insight
that allows us to challenge our own misperceptions,
we carry our negative fantasy through life
projecting it like a repetitive movie
onto innocent others.
We view others with suspicion
and see ourselves
as the innocent victim of their malice.
Those who are caught
in this self defeating perception of the world—
who cling to the “I am an eternal victim” mentality—
make very poor choices for love partners.
(Or Presidents, for that matter.)
No matter how much “love”
one of these perpetual victims
may seem to lavish on you initially
it is only a matter of time
until they will see you
as just another round of their Bad Mother.
They will fire you
the same as they fired their previous partners.
The negative words they have all along
been using to describe their “horrible” mother,
teachers, bosses, co-workers
and previous partners
will now be used to describe you.
These self-pitying “victims”
are caught in a repetition compulsion.
They re-enact the original “crime”
they self righteously insist was committed against them
but now they become the perpetrator.
They make themselves feel “powerful”
by speaking rage against their Bad Mother “enemy”
and taking revenge.
They seek retribution.
And you will eventually become their target.
This has nothing to do with you personally.
You didn’t cause it,
you can’t control it
and you can’t cure it.
They will repeat their destructive pattern
over and over
in one failed relationship after another.
The path of prevention
SO, how do you prevent
getting involved in a relationship with such a person?
One who perceives life
in a negative way
and is therefore unable to love you?
Answer:
You must identify them before you get involved with them.
(And if they are running for President
you must identify them before you vote for them.)
You get them talking
…if they aren’t already talking all the time…
and you do lots of listening.
You set up opportunities
to talk with them during daylight hours.
In order to do the necessary listening
you will need to change
your whole idea of dating.
The purpose of dating is not
to attract and seduce someone.
The purpose of dating is
to actually get to know
how this person perceives the world.
You must THINK about
what you are hearing them say.
You must carefully consider whether it is wise
to have a relationship with this person.
You must do this thinking
BEFORE you get physical.
Very old fashioned, yes.
And a highly intelligent way
to protect yourself
from major pain and suffering.
Instead of going out to bars
and evening hangouts
Instead of trying
to attract and please and seduce this person
you simply meet for coffee or lunch
at a cafe or bookstore.
There, you get them talking.
You listen to how this person sees life.
What do you listen for?
You listen for one primary thing:
How do they speak about their mother?
Their words about her
will tell you
what you need to know.
Our relationship with our mother
is the foundational
and most far reaching relationship in our life.
We repeat the essence of it
again and again
without realizing it
in each new relationship.
So listen carefully…
Does this person respect and appreciate their mother?
Have they been able to forgive her for her mistakes and failings?
Or are they still bitter about things she has done or not done?
Are they angry with her,
filled with undigested rage that goes back for years?
Especially:
Do they blame her for their own failures in life?
Listen for the exact words they use to describe her.
The words they use to speak of her
are the very words
they will end up using in speaking of you.
What you are hearing
is the portrait
of how they will ultimately
see you
speak of you
and treat you.
Therefore
There is one essential quality to seek
in a potential love partner:
You must find a person who loves their mother deeply.
A person who is grateful to her
Holds her in high respect
but is not controlled by her
Spends time with her
meeting her needs
but does not sacrifice
their own life for her
Sees their mother’s failings
and imperfections with compassion
and forgives her
Recognizes that she does the best she can
and
Does not blame her for their own failures.
Maturity is key
In sum,
a person who would make a good partner for you
has as far as reasonably possible
built a constructive and loving relationship with their mother
based on mature acceptance and respect.
An individual who has done that
will therefore be capable
of having mature acceptance and respect for you.
As you listen carefully
to each person you meet
you will hear a great deal of evidence
of their partner potential
in how they speak
not only of their mother
but also of their father,
siblings, previous partners, friends,
teachers, fellow students,
employers, fellow workers.
You will hear recurring themes.
If the themes you hear are negative
wish this person well in your heart
but let them go.
It’s OK.
It will take time
for you to find a person
who has the potential
to make a good partner.
But it is time well spent.
Just keep looking and listening well.
You will discover simple questions
that allow a person
to spill their cynical beans.
You will get better and better
at recognizing negativity and distrust
early in your conversations.
You will also get better and better
at recognizing positivity and trust.
Keep searching until you find a person
who perceives, speaks of, and treats
their mother and the other people in their world
in the tender, constructive,
loving and forgiving way
you want them
to perceive
speak of
and treat you.
It is said that you never fully become a man until your father dies. I don't know about that. I do know that I progressed as a person when I realized that my parents were humans, deeply flawed humans, who did the best they could within what their conditions and upbringing made them.
I was raised by my mother and step-mother, neither one was a good role model. One day I overheard my mother tell a friend to "never sacrifice yourself for your children." After I heard that I ignored whatever she had to say to me. My step-mother was a control freak and a groomer, a dangerous person to be around. I bounced back and forth between the two. It took many years to see the patterns that I had developed and how they affected my relationships with women. My wife adores her parents and reveres them and treats me the same way. That allows me to love her and treasure her. She is Thai and that's the Asian way, Many Western women have a different attitude, they are mostly about themselves and they reap what they sow.