How can we prevent being harmed by others?
Dear friend,
If you
think back
on those individuals
in your life
who have
actually harmed you
how would you
describe them?
If you could
summarize them
in one word
what would it be?
Cruel?
Selfish?
Sick?
Unprincipled?
What word
says it all?
My simple summary
I propose
the simple summary:
They were untrustworthy.
Thus we avoid
wrestling with
the dilemma:
were they bad
or were they ill?
Likely both:)
But let’s leave that
to the court.
The bottom line
is
you couldn’t
trust those suckers
as far
as you
could kick them.
The fiction we tell ourselves
Alas
it is the analyst’s
thankless task
to point out
to us
the highly
distasteful fact
that in most cases
at an unconscious level
and often
at a conscious level
as well
we knew beforehand
that the person
who ended up
harming us
was untrustworthy.
And yet…
one way
or another…
we got involved
with them.
The fiction
we tell ourselves
afterwards
is that
we did not
have a clue
and therefore
we bear
no responsibility
for the sorry outcome.
In a just court of law
If we are
in court
and are found
to have been victimized
by someone
we are
deemed innocent.
Whoever perpetrated
the harm
is held responsible.
This is
as it should be.
But in psychoanalysis
We look into
the underlying dynamics.
This process
is never comfy.
This is
the point
when many persons
in analysis
angrily accuse
the analyst:
“You are
blaming the victim!”
Actually
we are doing
something
very different.
We are
explaining the victim.
We are explaining
the victim
to themselves
in such a way
that their new insight
liberates them.
They are empowered
by seeing
the dynamics
of how this situation
of suffering
actually came about.
They gain strength
by recognizing
how
they allowed themselves
to be fooled
and manipulated
into a position
of being harmed.
Through their insight
they develop
their psychological immunity.
Their immunity
serves to prevent
their being harmed
in the future.
So let’s talk about prevention
What is
the best way
for us
to prevent
being harmed
by an
untrustworthy
individual?
My guiding principles are:
Listen to our gut.
(Trust our intuition.)
Believe the warning signs we see.
(Don’t ignore or excuse them!)
Get away and stay away.
(Set whatever level of boundary is necessary.)
Over to you
What is
your view
on how
we can prevent
being harmed
by an untrustworthy person?
What are
the warning signs
we need
to notice
and take seriously?
I hope you
will share
what you
have learned
from your
life’s experiences
so we can all
grow in our awareness
and build our immunity.
Sometimes the victim is kept so close to one "tree" that it is only with time and distance that they can see the "forrest". Trust by the victim and control by the abuser keep the victim's nose pressed against the bark of their tree.
The most consistent warning sign I have seen and ignored is a person being really mean and verbally abusive, followed by acting sugary sweet and complimentary, repeated in cycles. Especially within your own family.