How do I build a lasting relationship?

Dear friend,
I have a neighbor I call “The Gardener.”

He is really good with plants.
I’ve watched him at work.
He really loves getting down in that soil! 
 
He takes the time
to learn what each of his plants needs.

He knows how much water to give it
and when.

He knows how much sunlight it needs.

He knows the food
that helps it to grow strong
and always be at its best. 

He makes sure it has enough space
between it and the other plants.

He pulls up the weeds.
He keeps insects and hungry rabbits away.
He protects it from the cold.

Haha he probably even TALKS to it!
He certainly gives it lots of love. 

And how does he know
that his little plant is alive and well?  

It grows fresh new green leaves 
and blooms with flowers.

He can see its vitality.

He can see
it is being
the beautiful plant
it was meant to be.

He knows it will last.

He has made sure it will last
by devotedly giving his precious plant
everything it needs to flourish.

So, let’s take a look at our relationships. 

What IS a relationship?

Answer: It’s a plant. 

Yes.
A relationship is a living thing!

It’s alive, just like a plant. 
A tender and vulnerable plant.

It has a life of its own. 

Two partners create it together.

They create this new life
which is their relationship.

And they tend it together.  

It needs a lot of tending.

But it’s their very own
precious beautiful plant
and they love to tend it!

Both partners knows
that just like each of them

their plant is either
busy being born
or it is busy dying. 
— Dylan 

But isn’t a relationship more like a house than a plant?

Well, a house we build once
and we’re done. 

If we think building a relationship
is like building a house,
our wedding day will be the high point.

The pinnacle of our relationship.

It’ll be our Open House!
The day we show our relationship off.

Look at this beautiful house we built! 
We’ve got it made! 
 
And it will all be down hill from there. 
 
Why?

Because a house is not alive.
Doesn’t renew.
Just wears out over time.  

If we build our relationship like a house
it may give us some temporary security
but it will not grow.

It will not flourish.

It will not flower.

What are the roots of a strong relationship? 

A strong plant has strong roots. 
So does a strong relationship.

The roots of a strong relationship are:

The emotional health and stability
of both partners.

Their shared moral and spiritual values.

Their shared life dreams. 

Their mutual capacity for transparency and intimacy
(emotional, spiritual and physical)

What causes a relationship to grow?
 

A growing plant needs
a source of water and nourishment. 
 
The source of water and nourishment
within a relationship
is insight.  

Deep insight into each other’s nature
that allows each partner
to know what the other needs
and when they need it.

Just as the gardener
knows the needs of his beloved plant.

How is this deep insight gained?

 

We gain the deep insight required
to know our partner’s needs

through open and transparent
sharing of our heart and soul.

[For more on being transparent
see my previous letter:
What is transparency in a relationship
and why is it so beautiful?]

By trusting and fully revealing
our whole self to our partner
we allow them to achieve
a profound understanding
of who we are
and
what we need.

We are our partner’s teacher.

A partner who is good for us
will be eager to achieve
such deep awareness!

Eager to learn.

So we tenderly GIVE our loving partner
the insight they need
to be able to understand us.

Then we go ahead and ASK
for what we need.

We TEACH our beloved partner
HOW to give it to us.

And when they give us what we need
we THANK them.

A personal example

I’m a person who needs
a lot of comforting.

I cry often.
This is because I feel everything intensely
and have no protective shell.

News stories, poems,
impending storms of loss
atmospheric, familial and political,
the death of a moth…
my tears flow.

Dolly Parton says she cries a lot
for the same reason:
she feels everything.

Says she can’t change
because if she did
she wouldn’t be able
to write her songs.
 
I can’t change either.
If I did I wouldn’t be able
to write these letters to you.

So when I am in pain and cry
I ask my husband
to comfort me.

He does.
And he’s really good at it. 

We listen and we learn

Just as our partner
listens and learns from us
we listen and we learn from them.

We seek deep insight into what THEY need. 

Their needs are completely different from ours!

(Be sure you realize this.)

We make sure they feel safe
to tell us their needs 
without any fear of regretting it.

And we ask them to teach us
how to meet their needs
  
and to tell us when we do.

What allows our relationship to last?

A plant needs room to grow. 

So does a relationship. 

Healthy independence is needed
for both of us.

There must be
an even power balance
between us.

Neither of us manages
nor controls the other.  

Each of us has all the space
and time we need

to think our own thoughts
work on our own work
pursue our own interests.

Neither of us is expected
to be a constant companion
for the other.

We have mutual friends
but we also get together
with our own friends.

Pulling up the weeds

A plant needs the weeds pulled up.

Regularly. 

So does a relationship.

The weeds are those little issues
that arise in daily life
in even the best of relationships—

the annoyances
the disappointments  
the unfortunate critical words
the feelings of hurt or anger

As long as we are transparent
and speak up right away 
explaining our feelings constructively
 
each hurt can be aired
and dealt with
and quickly healed.

Once our feelings
have been heard and understood
receiving a simple and sincere “I’m sorry”
is usually all it takes.  

Partners who lack the mutual trust
and the forthright commitment
to speak up to each other
right at the time the hurt occurs

and who instead store up their grievances

until one day
angrily landing on their partner
with “You always do X!!!” 
make a lasting relationship impossible.

What is the question we really need to ask?

We began this exploration
with the question:  
How do I build a lasting relationship?

But if a relationship is a plant
— a living thing —
that question makes no sense.

You can’t build a living thing.

You can only grow a living thing. 

All the ideas I offer you today 
are about
how to grow a living thing
into its fullness. 

So it turns out
the question we really need to ask is:

How do I GROW a lasting relationship? 

We feed and we tend

To GROW a lasting relationship
we make sure our precious plant
not only lives
but flowers.

We make sure our cherished relationship
not only survives
but thrives.

We do this
by giving each other
from our heart

every day

the loving, feeding, and tending
it takes
to bring out the best in each other.

We take great joy
in nurturing our beloved
by meeting their deepest needs.

We are thrilled
to see each of us emerge
into the sunlight
as
our true and free self.

Sometimes
for the first time in our lives!

Like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing
we declare:
“Nobody puts Baby in the corner.”

We are the world

And as we rise up
strong and loved and free

both as individuals
and as a couple

we realize we have been blessed
with an abundance of love

and we are moved to share it
with the world!

As the song says:

We are the world.
We are the children.

We are the ones
who make a brighter day
so let’s start giving

We share our love
with the world

through nurturing the wellbeing
of our families
our communities
our country.

Right now
we Americans are being called
to stand up
and give our best.

There’s a choice we’re making
We’re saving our own lives

We
the red and the blue

choose to water the roots of liberty
by voting blue this year.

We choose to join together
to protect
and to grow
our lasting mutual democratic relationship

and thus keep our precious Republic.

With thankful and courageous hearts
we go forth to feed and tend
the wellbeing and freedom
of us all.

We are the World Video Link

Blessings,

Dr. Hall