How to deal with a boundary crosser

Dear friend,

You have no doubt encountered individuals

who do not respect your boundaries.

Persons who cross over them

whenever they feel like it.

The way they see it:

“What’s mine is mine,

and what’s yours is mine also.”

Such persons are walking provocations.

They intrude into your space

and — right in front of you —

help themselves

to something of yours

without asking.

When you are working

they destroy your quiet concentration

by walking in

and taking over the room

with blaring music

or loud talk on their cell phone.

When you are having

a conversation with a friend

they barge in

with unsolicited arrogant opinions

on the topic you are discussing.

People who carry out such provocations

do them suddenly

so as to catch you off guard.

They figure you won’t know

how to react.

The first time a provoker

pulls one of their stunts

they are testing you.

If you let them get away with it

you can expect more of the same

— and worse.

Allow me to offer you a way

to make sure they only do it once.

Origin of the technique

I invented this technique

in the heat of the moment

in response to a provocative intrusion.

I call it “giving someone the spoon.”

In this case, an actual spoon was utilized.

Ordinarily the technique requires no object.

Giving someone the spoon

is a metaphor

for dealing with them

in the manner

I shall now describe.

The scene

I come down to have lunch

in the cafeteria of the psychiatric hospital

where I am working as a clinical psychologist.

I sit down at one of the small tables

with my tray of food.
.

A social worker whom I recognize

but have never spoken with

comes over

and asks if he can join me.

I say Sure.

He sits down across from me

and puts down his tray.

It’s a narrow table,

just wide enough for his tray and mine.

We have a collegial conversation

about hospital business

as we eat our sandwiches.

My sandwich is on a plate near me,

and I also have a dish of chocolate pudding

at the top of my tray.

We finish our sandwiches

and I am in the middle of a sentence

when this guy – smoothly and suddenly –

picks up his spoon and

heads straight for my chocolate pudding.

I have lightning reflexes.

My right hand instantly grabs my spoon

and I cross swords with him

“CLINK”

right above my pudding.

Stunned,

he retracts his hand

as I complete my sentence

and continue talking with the guy

AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.

No outward change in my attitude toward him.

(Inward change: What a jerk.

I’ll show him he has no power over me.)

I do not even pause in my sentence

nor change my expression.

I continue calmly looking him in the eyes

as I talk

just as before.

I say nothing about the incident.

Nor does he.

I proceed to eat my chocolate pudding

exactly as I would have

as we continue our conversation.

We finish our lunch.

I graciously take my leave.

The man never comes near me again.

The nature of the provocative intruder

Persons who intentionally intrude are bullies.

They are weak and have a victim mentality.

They provoke others with sudden intrusions

in order to make themselves feel “strong.”

Getting an angry rise out of you

makes them feel “powerful.”

They expect and even hope

you will retaliate

as it will give them

the “evidence” they need.

They can now frame your retaliation

as “unjust.”

They can trumpet and loudly protest

what you have “done” to them!

Being treated “unjustly”

gives them their precious “proof”

that they are the innocent victim of others.

“Why are you so sensitive???”

they will whine at you,

if you get angry or hurt

and tell them off or cry.

They will always paint you

as the one with the problem.

They will insist that you

are the one

who should apologize and explain.

How to give someone the spoon

• Your response to the intrusion must be immediate.

• It must be both swift and silent.

• It is directed only at stopping the intrusion itself, nothing more.

• It uses only as much force as is necessary

  to block the act of the provoker.

• It is conducted without paying the slightest attention to the intrusion.

• The conversation or whatever else is going on

  — including calm eye to eye contact —
  continues without interruption as if the intrusion never occurred.

• There is no verbal reference made to the intrusion, during or after.

• The intruder is not scolded, punished or shamed.
  He is treated exactly the same as before his intrusion.

• His act is stopped but is otherwise entirely ignored.

How the boundary crosser is foiled

When you

— instead of getting angry or hurt —

simply stop their intrusion

swiftly and decisively

without giving them

their anticipated “overreaction”

nor their precious “injustice”

their provocation is a complete flop.

A total failure.

The provoker gets no illusion of power…

He gets no “proof” of his “victimhood…”

He gets no opportunity to wallow in self pity…

What he gets is a complete and utter shock to him…

he gets a sudden silent defeat.

What does the provoker learn?

He learns you are stronger than he is.

You have quietly demonstrated to him

that you’ve got his number

and that he is no match for you.

How will he feel?

He will feel ridiculous.

What will he do?

He will leave you alone.

Blessings,

Dr. Hall

Question:

Is there a boundary crosser in your world who is just begging to be given the spoon?