How to stop losing your temper
Dear friend,
In a previous letter
How to solve a problem
I offered you
the 3 steps to take
to solve any problem.
For an example
I showed you
how to solve the problem
of sleeping in.
If you took my 3 doses
of tasty medicine
I highly doubt
you have been
doing much
hibernating.
Today
So today
let’s take some more
Buckley’s cough syrup
(the taste you love to hate)
and solve the problem
of losing your temper.
You may or may not
have this problem.
But learning
how to solve it
will show you
how to fight a problem
and win.
So, what do you think?
Can the problem
of losing your temper
be solved in just 3 steps?
That’s impossible!
you may declare.
People who lose their temper
can’t HELP it!!
They have a short fuse!
Well
let’s give that fuse a whirl.
Review of the steps
Step One: Take full responsibility for the problem
Step Two: Figure out the root cause
Step Three: Take the power away from the root cause
Why does it only take three steps?
Because there are
only three elements necessary
to deconstruct any problem
and prevent its recurrence.
Once we take these three steps
the problem dies of its own absurdity.
The 3 steps to stop losing your temper
Step 1: Take full responsibility for the problem
Your current thoughts
may go something like this:
It’s not MY fault
I get so angry.
That stupid useless s.o.b.
(bitch/child/neighbor)
keeps making life
impossible for me.
Of COURSE
I get angry.
He (she) ruins everything
I try to do.
My father/mother/brother/sister
used to vent their rage on me
when I was a child.
I CAN’T HELP IT
if I do
what they did to me.
It’s not MY fault.
It’s THEIR fault.
If any of this
is
how you think
Step One
is to look yourself
in the mirror
and ask:
Why do I suddenly
turn into a raging maniac
just because
someone’s words or actions
piss me off ?
Just because someone
goes against my will?
Gets in my way…
Is inconvenient…
Why am I acting
just like my father/mother
brother/sister
whoever the hell it was
who used to
go into a rage
and vent their own
godforsaken misery
against me?
Why am I
now the one
who enjoys
venting my misery
against other people
in person or online?
Why am I using
other people’s rage
as an excuse
to vent my own?
Why am I repeating
the destructive words
and actions and attitudes
of the people
who made/make me miserable
instead of taking the lead
and being a constructive person?
It takes courage
to challenge yourself
like this.
But once you can admit
that you’re making excuses
for yourself
and hiding behind
the rage of others
you will realize
it’s time to grow up
and take responsibility.
For further insight
on how to do that
please see my letter
Who is the director of the movie of my life?
Step 2: Figure out the root cause
It’s time to ask:
What is the real reason
I lose my temper?
Currently, you likely think
your rage is inevitable.
You see it as the obvious result
of what others say
or do to you.
You believe
that as the innocent victim
of each person
who angers you
you are entirely justified
in venting your rage upon them.
Please note
that when you DO that
you get to feel “powerful.”
Very “powerful.”
Especially if your words or actions
scare and intimidate.
This is the delicious rush
that losing your temper gives you.
Ah, but venting rage
is not real power.
It just an illusion of power.
A phony counterfeit.
Those who
vented their rage upon you
were not powerful.
They were weaklings.
So ask yourself:
Why would I want
to be a weakling
just like them?
Why do I enjoy getting high
putting on an impotent show?
Conclusion to Step Two:
The root cause
of my losing my temper
is
I enjoy pretending
that I am powerful.
Step 3:
Take the power away from the root cause
How do you take the power away
from enjoying
pretending you are powerful?
You spoil the fun.
Each morning
when you wake up
you declare aloud:
Wow
I wonder how big and bad and powerful
I can PRETEND I am today?
What is my rage of choice?
Shall I vent my rage in person or online?
Who shall I verbally attack?
Shall I go berserk
at my partner, my child, my dog?
Some idiot I disagree with on the internet?
Some asshole driver on the road?
AH…the choice is MINE.
All MINE!!!
(laugh gleefully)
And
…you continue to declare aloud…
if I want
to still be throwing temper tantrums
like a two year old
when I’m in a nursing home
THAT choice is MINE, too!!!
….No….?
You don’t like
that image?
Glorious powerful YOU
as an old white haired maniac
raging against your nurses…???
Then why not stop now
and save yourself the embarrassment.
I guess I'm fortunate. I am very slow to anger ... almost to a fault. Must be my age, but the little things don't bother me anymore.
Best life advice: Don't worry about things out of your control (which are most things).
That's a great visualization.
I found that most of my anger comes from fear of various types. Mostly from things that are out of my control. A sort of panic sets in, and I would get angry, not knowing what to do and feeling not in control of whatever situation.
The acting out part of my anger—the yelling, and the rush of it all—was very addictive. I was addicted to the chemicals that would flood my body when I got angry.
The same thing happened when I worried about the future or mistakes I had made in the past.
Different chemicals, but a similar addiction to them.
This started at a very young age, and by the time I was aware of the addiction, it was deeply embedded.
So even when I learned to accept responsibility for being angry, I had to learn how to break the addiction to the chemicals flooding my body from being in that angry state.