How we can prevent some of our suffering
Dear friend,
As children
one of our first experiences
of shocking pain
may have been
the death of our pet.
The sudden end
of our precious turtle
or kitten or dog.
We did not KNOW about this!
We cry our hearts out
grieving our loss.
And are stunned
by our helplessness.
We realize we have NO power
to keep our beloved pet alive.
As we grow up
As we grow up
we experience more pain
over which we have no control.
We may begin to think
that all our suffering
is inevitable.
We may become pessimistic
even fatalistic
about our life.
It is what it is.
I am what I am.
There is nothing
I can do about it.
If this is how
you see your life
these days
I want to offer you a way
that you can prevent
at least some of your pain.
More of it
than you may think.
In the driver’s seat
We have a phrase for someone
who is confidently moving forward.
Leading his or her life
with strong intention.
We say they are
“in the driver’s seat.”
A person “in the driver’s seat”
is not passive.
They are neither
a passenger
nor a bystander.
They are active.
They are taking charge.
They have both hands
firmly on the wheel.
Driving
My son is an excellent driver.
Being in a car with him
is an impressive experience.
His calm assurance
and smooth effectiveness
exude stability and competence.
He drives the way
you would want
your personal bodyguard to drive.
Takes no risks
but owns the road.
I once asked him
to explain to me
how he does it.
He said:
“Mom,
I am always looking
WAY down the road.
In both directions.
I know beforehand
everything that is going on.
And everything that is
likely going to happen.
I see it coming.
So I already know
how to prevent
most of the problems.
The other drivers
don’t see
the dangers that are coming.
But I do.”
“Oh!” I said, astonished.
Looking down the road in life
Since our discussion
I have done my best
to apply my son’s insights.
And I have come to realize
something else he knows:
that his insights
apply to all of life.
We all need
to look down the road
at all times.
Doing so
is not for the faint hearted,
especially these days.
It takes courage.
There is a great deal
in all our lives
we don’t want to see coming.
But when we summon ourselves
to look
with our eyes wide open
and actually see beforehand
much of the pain and suffering
coming down the road toward us
we have the chance to ask ourselves:
Is there any law that says
I have to just stand here
and let it run me over?
Our goal
Some of the worst pain and suffering
that comes down the road
is illness, accident,
loss of our relationships,
and loss of our freedom.
Our goal must be to prevent
as many of these painful events
as we can.
If we do our best
to prevent them
but can’t
our goal must be to
lessen the suffering
they cause.
Challenging ourselves
We need to challenge ourselves
to never take the position
of passive surrender.
To prevent or lessen pain
we need to ask ourselves
every morning:
What pain or suffering
do I see coming?
What actions can I take
to prevent or lessen it?
For example,
to prevent or lessen illness
we need to ask ourselves:
Why would I passively allow
communicable illness to take hold
by not taking precautions
to prevent it?
(e.g., get flu, pneumonia, and shingles shots;
get covid boosters; use condoms)
Why would I passively allow disease
to go undiagnosed in my body
by not getting yearly health checkups?
(e.g., get PSA and other blood tests,
mammograms, eye tests, skin exams)
Why would I passively allow
my physical immune system to weaken
by not getting enough sleep,
regular exercise and nutritious food?
Why would I passively allow
my emotional immune system to weaken
by not connecting and building with others
and not asking for help
when I need it
for grief, fear, depression,
addiction, suicidal thoughts?
Self protection
By asking ourselves questions like these
we directly challenge ourselves
to wake up
get in the driver’s seat
and look down the road.
Each time
we rise to the challenge
we protect ourselves
and we prevent a great deal
of potential pain and suffering.
The more we understand
The more we come to understand
how our suffering comes about
the more we will recognize
those dimensions of our suffering
that through our own passivity
we set up beforehand.
We will see the pain
we set up by
not looking down the road
and therefore
not being able
to take preventive action
in time.
The impact of insight
Some of us may find
that achieving insight
into our own role
in our pain and suffering
is guilt inducing.
I don’t.
I find the insight liberating.
In recognizing a way
that I have been
setting myself up for pain
I am not blaming myself
I am explaining myself.
I am relieved and delighted
to come to understand causal factors
even when I’m the cause.
Having my new insight
puts me right where I want to be:
in the driver’s seat
where I can prevent
at least some of my pain and suffering
in the future.
I have the power
to actually dismantle
some of the set up.
And so do you,
dear friend,
so do you.
So let’s carry on driving
the precious road
of our life
eyes wide open
and hearts full of hope.
Thank you for sharing, Deborah.
This is food for thought.
My takeaway from this essay is we should be more active and less passive especially in things we can control.
If we take active steps in things we CAN control, we'd experience significant changes in our lives.
For example when we choose not to worry about something we can't change, we prevent stress and anxiety from creeping into our lives
I know people who break out in hives if their vehicles go a few miles past due on an oil change or other routine maintenance but do not take care of themselves. Looking down the road is good advice.