on ideal love
dear friend
as we seek
to find our way
in life
we are often
inspired
by an ideal
we humans
enjoy having an image
of what is possible
a portrait
of our hopes
even if
we are not
starry eyed dreamers
we still enjoy
striving toward
some kind of ideal
in our work
in our family
in our neighborhood
our country
our world
what about love
what is our
inspiring ideal
of love
do we have
a picture
of what
a happy and lasting
love relationship is
if we do
we may imagine
what it would be like
to have
a love
like that
whether we are
in a relationship now
or not
whose relationship inspires you
is there a couple
in your family
that you hope
your relationship
will
turn out like
what do you think
their happiness
is made of
do you have
friends
whose loving
relationship
encourages
and inspires you
i hope
you do
i hope you have
real life examples
in your own world
that you can
learn from
who provide
a tangible vision
of love
that encourages you
but many of us don’t
i sure didn’t
i didn’t grow up
with happy marriages
around me
my parents
loved each other
but were in
a tragic relationship
ruined by
my father’s alcoholism
and later
by my mother’s mental illness
nevertheless
they both gave me
a great deal of love
and encouraged me
to seek and find it
thus I began
with a hopeful heart
how did you begin
if you grew up
in an ill
or broken home
you too
may not have had
an example
of happy parents
you may have struggled
in your relationships
and still
may not
be feeling
all that hopeful
and confident
about
your own potential
to create
a happy love relationship
that lasts
even if
you are
in the midst
of one
that is doing fine
so how do we fill the void
what can we do
if we have
no positive
role models
around us
maybe
we find
tender love relationships
in biographies
in novels
in poetry
in music
i am inspired
by the man and woman
created by d. h. lawrence
in his exquisite novel
lady chatterley’s lover
and by
the love celebrated
by elizabeth barrett browning
in her sonnet
written to her husband
how do i love thee?
if you too have
a love story or poem
that inspires you
ask yourself
what is the essence
of this relationship
that i find
so moving
you will
gain insight
into what
a truly fulfilling
love relationship
means
to you
the power of identification
whether the couple
who inspires you
is in your family
or among your friends
is a famous couple
or an artistic creation
it is constructive to
build an identification
with their happiness
identification
is an extremely powerful
phenomenon
we become
what we identify with
if the marriage
you saw
as a child
was sick
unhappy
or broken
the biggest danger
to you
is that you
may have
identified with them
you may have
identified
with their unhappiness
and
with their failure in love
if so
you are
at serious risk
of repeating
their tragedy
in your own life
the repetition compulsion
freud discovered
what he called
the repetition compulsion
we are
compelled to repeat
in active form
what we
passively suffered
in childhood
thus the child
who was
physically abused
is at high risk
of physically abusing
their own child
and likewise
the child
of miserable
divorced parents
is at high risk
of choosing
a partner with whom
they have misery
and divorce
we live out our identifications
whether
they are sick
or healthy
we unconsciously
live out
our identifications
a healthy identification
can ultimately overcome
a sick one
but only
if we expose
reject and dismantle
the sick one
we have to actively
face and conquer
the undertow
the downward pull
of our compulsion
to repeat
what we saw
and experienced
we are
not doomed
to repeat
the pain and failure
we saw
as long as we
challenge ourselves
to wake up
and take
a healthy path
we must
continually challenge
our ego:
why do i want
to be a passive puppet
simply repeating
the misery
of my parents
why don’t i
stand up tall
and set a NEW
and HEALTHY example
for MY family
by creating
a HAPPY and LASTING
love relationship instead
by challenging
our unconscious passivity
we
build our capacity
to overcome
the pain
in our past
and create
our own
ideal love relationship
but what IS our own ideal
our own ideal
love relationship
is not the same
as that of others
and ultimately
it can’t be built
by looking at others
why?
because the person
you love
(or haven’t yet found)
is an original
and
so are you
no one
like your partner
and no one
like you
has ever existed before
and even if
you have
been together
for fifty years
you don’t fully
know them
yet
but you think
you do
and that
is the problem
your certitude
that you know them
holds them back
your job
is to keep up
with them
listen
and learn
they are
not the same
today
as they were
yesterday
they are growing
and so are you
so for god’s sake
don’t hold them back
by keeping them
the same
your past view
contains them
concretizes them
and reduces them
to a graven image
what is ideal love
we reach toward
our ideal love
when we discover
who our partner
is becoming
ideal love
is catalytic
their growth
sparks ours
and our growth
sparks theirs
we are embarked upon
a journey
into the unknown
as pioneers
not prisoners
of our own device :)
the love between us
grows every day
as we discover
each other
anew
we surprise
and delight each other
as we find
and share
our new dimensions
as they develop
who is the new you
who is the new me
who is the new we
our love
just keeps
getting stronger
better
and more free
our love
will never die
because
our souls
are so fully
and happily devoted
to being born
Love, and the idea/ideal of it, should change and evolve with us. The love idea in childhood is not the same in adolescence; first love is different than last love. Needs and desires evolve. Love should adapt with life. 🖖💕
Somewhere, a long time ago, I read that when you get married you marry 3 people. The person as you see them, the person as they are, and the person they become. I have kept that in mind. In my case, my parents provided an excellent example of what NOT to do in a relationship. At the end of the day, I have had success by remembering that Soulmate is a fascinating human being. I work at letting her be her. It is my job.