To be lovable
Dear friend,
What is a lovable person?
It is good
to ask ourselves
what “lovable” means.
Whether we are seeking
to become
a lovable man or woman
or to find one.
Works in progress
All of us
are works in progress.
I believe every one of us
has the potential
to grow into
a lovable person.
And I believe
all those of us
who already are lovable
have the potential
to grow to become
even more so.
My vision
I want to offer you
my vision
of what
a lovable person is.
It is an ideal portrait
that I hope
will inspire you.
My vision
has eight dimensions.
They encompass
(as best I can)
the whole of life:
identity
mind
spirit
body
character
capability
love
contribution
In every letter
I write to you
I am seeking to build you
in at least one
of these dimensions.
Below are eight statements:
one for each dimension.
I believe
that once these statements
are true of us
we will have
become lovable.
And we will have
greatly increased
the likelihood
that we will be loved.
By ourselves
and by others.
These statements are simple
yet profound.
To grow to the point
they all become true of us
is highly challenging
and takes a lot of work.
But I believe
this growth
is possible
for every person.
A lovable person is one who can say:
identity: “I know who I am.”
mind: “I am my own best friend.”
spirit: “My spirit is strong, kind and compassionate.”
body: “I take excellent care of my health
and look my best.”
character: “I am honest and reliable
and respect myself and others.”
capability: “I am proud of my education and my work.”
love: “I love tenderly, deeply, and responsibly.”
contribution: “I am a builder of my community,
country and world.”
Find the gold
As you read
these eight statements
instead of focusing
on what may
at this point
be missing in you
find the gold.
Find what is
already THERE.
The glorious statements
you know
are already true of you.
Declare them
boldly and proudly.
You worked
extremely hard
to achieve each one.
Work to do
Now note
the statements
where you know
you have work to do.
Ask yourself:
What are the barriers
to my being able
to make that statement?
How can I surmount
those barriers?
Don’t listen
to the destructive part
of your mind
if it tries to tell you:
“You can’t surmount them!
You will never be lovable!”
That is utter BS.
Just cruel ridiculous lies
intended to demoralize you.
Fight back
Yes, you can surmount
the barriers
and build yourself up
to become lovable
on all levels.
I promise you can.
But to do that
you will have to fight.
Fight back
against your passive submission
to the inner lies
telling you
you can’t.
To challenge your submission
you may need
to take some tough medicine.
[See my letter last week:
What to do when the problem is you.]
Taking the tough medicine here
means
asking yourself:
Why do I want to be defeated?
Why do I want to listen
to the destructive part of my mind
telling me I can’t become lovable?
Why do I want
to side with my own worst enemy
instead of being my own best friend?
Why do I want to be passive
and stay stuck in the suffering
of being unloved
when I could move forward
and grow
into becoming a lovable person?
What it takes
Once we embrace a vision
of ourselves as lovable
believe it is possible
and decide to do the work
we are already
halfway there.
Then we take steps
to build ourselves
and make it real.
What do you say?
How do these eight statements
make you feel?
What do they mean to you?
Is my vision
of being a lovable person
one you want to embrace
and to build?
I hope it is.
I have
many more steps
toward making this vision real
that I would love
to offer you.
A Love Story
A Tale for the Ages
70 years ago this coming autumn the 16 year-old boy I was then met a cute 15 year-old girl on a religious youth group bus trip to Truro Synagogue in Newport, Rhode Island. Within a month or two we played opposite each other in a play called “Time Out for Ginger” in which she played Ginger and I played her boyfriend. Then we dated. Once. Twice. Three times. I asked her to “go steady”. She said yes. Not able to afford a gold high school class ring, I gave her my silver Sea Scout ring and she put it on a chain around her neck.
HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART
Fifteen , a new house.
New school, new friends,
new adventures.
New girls!
A pixie cut.
Cute, bright, charming.
Time Out for Ginger.
She is Ginger and
he her boyfriend.
A double date.
They date again. And again.
Will you go steady?
Yes.
His Sea Scout ring
on a chain around her neck
she is his and he hers.
A movie, post movie snack,
making out in his father’s car.
Senior prom. Ending at dawn
on a Connecticut beach.
A summer Saturday night
at Tanglewood.
Ravel’s Bolero washing over them.
Its rhythms stimulating the senses.
Her letters are marked “Yo te amo”.
He pours his heart out in his.
Gently she starts to let him down.
He wants it not to end and disc jockeying that summer,
he chooses music of unrequited love to win her back.
Another year.
He has military training.
She has a new man.
Defeated, he surrenders.
December 1957. The University of Massachusetts annual ROTC Military Ball. Ages 17 and 18. My sophomore year. In 1959 when she was 19 and I was 20 we broke up. She married her Joel. I met, fell in love with, and married my Judy. We both had long, loving, and happy marriages. We both raised families. We both had lives. And we both were widowed. I about three years ago. She about five years earlier. About three months after Judy died, in the depths of despair, I wrote the following in part as therapy.
LOST
Home is where WE are he told her
as they left the house they
raised their children in.
Now 25 years and two moves later
cancer has stolen her from him
and WE no longer exists.
Lost, he struggles to find his way
never letting on the pain he feels.
A year later, pain mitigated but not gone I was preparing myself for an emotionally necessary journey of nostalgia to the Netherlands and Germany where Judy and I had spent the second year of our marriage while I was in the Air Force.
STANDING ALERT
Hoarfrost on contact,
his breath hung in cold air.
Frozen fingers fumbled safety wires
on the Mark 7 atomic bomb.
In the bomb bay too,
The 23 year-old first lieutenant
14 months on active duty.
A nuclear weapons alert duty officer,
The Cuban missile crisis just done.
She contacted me. Would I like to have lunch? Yes. But I can’t go to Denver for lunch. But she was going to be in New Jersey for a grandchild’s college graduation and we met face to face and spoke to each other for the first time in 64 years.
LOVE. FOUND AGAIN.
Curiosity piqued, we met for brunch.
It had been 64 years since last we saw each other. We talked.
Awkwardly at first. Comfort building, the conversation became smooth.
She invited me to visit. I accepted.
We rediscovered each other
and learned who we’d become.
We held hands and, her head on my shoulder, my arm about hers, we hugged.
We were in love again.
Not with the passion of youth,
but the mature love of we who
see into each other’s souls.
Now, in the autumn of our lives,
time is short and sweet.
Decades unimportant.
Quality of the time left, is.
And now we both consider ourselves blessed.
MY TWO LOVES
Those not here are missed.
One never to be seen again.
One to be seen whenever I can.
Judy was my life
but is gone, never to return.
Kari was my first
and now is my last love.
The woman I loved
and whom I mourn.
Never again to be seen.
My first and last, to be
seen again and again.
For as long as we are able.
My darling Kari on the occasion of her 85th birthday 70 years after she was the cute 15 year-old that first intrigued the 16 year-old me. She has brought a joy I thought I’d never feel again back into my life.
Interesting because if one is loved does not mean one is lovable. A paradox or a play on words?