What position are we taking as we relate to others?
Dear friend,
We usually think to take a position means to take a political stand.
Yes, I will get to that.
But the position I begin with today
is at the personal level:
What position are we IN, as we relate to other people?
There are four basic positions available to all of us:
dependent
codependent
independent
interdependent
The first two—dependent and codependent—
are quite unhealthy.
We will suffer greatly if we stay in either.
The third position—independent— is a vast improvement
but still unfulfilling.
The fourth position—interdependent— is the healthy and strong one.
Interdependent is the position we need to be in
in order to build a free and happy life.
The position we are taking now
does not have to be permanent.
We can all change and grow.
At times we may regress—
go backward for a while—
but we can always resume our growth
toward taking a stronger position.
Fortunately we humans are not set in stone.
But first we need to see where we are now.
.
Are you willing to take a look?
Called into the office
When I was in 8th grade I was captain of the cheerleaders
but I was a loner.
One day my gym teacher Mrs. Denison called me into her office.
I remember the experience well.
We sat down
and she started to talk about how I relate to others.
She told me I was keeping my classmates at a distance.
The central thing she told me still brings tears.
She looked me in the eyes and said with deep feeling:
“Debby, one day you are going to need friends.”
I wasn’t able to hear her then.
But it turned out to be so true.
The sign on our forehead
I want to offer you a brief picture
of each of the four positions we can take
in relating to others.
Everyone we know
is in at least one of these positions right now.
It is good to become aware of our own position
and the position of those around us.
We need to do this to understand ourselves and others
and to have compassion – not to judge.
Whichever position we are in,
it is as if we are wearing a sign on our forehead.
Everyone around us can read that sign.
They treat us accordingly.
But we usually don’t even know the sign is there!
Once we realize what sign we are wearing
we need to take some time and think it over.
If we don’t like what the sign on our forehead says
we can decide to take it off
and put on a better one.
To do this we may need a therapist to assist us.
Are you still with me?
Be brave!
Recognizing our sign may not be pretty.
Sign One: HELP ME
We who wear sign one on our foreheads
believe down deep
that others should take care of us.
We expect others to do so.
We believe we are entitled to help
any time things get rough.
And if the helpers we have in mind don’t help us
we will get ourselves into deeper doo-doo
to force them to.
We see ourselves as the sad lifelong victim
of the repeated neglect of others.
Poor me
is how we feel most of the time.
We drown our sorrows
in addictions to:
self pity
alcohol
drugs
food
cigarettes
meaningless sex and porn
gambling
taking risks
rage
zealous politics
zealous religion
You name it, we use it.
We use it to hide in
so we never have to face ourselves
and our own responsibility for our lives.
We especially use people:
I need rescue! Will you save me?
We always expect someone else to save us.
We have not yet grown up.
We are dependent.
Sign Two: I HELP EVERYONE BUT ME
We who wear sign two on our foreheads
see ourselves as superior
to all those poor helpless victims
in position one!
We are noble and pure and self-sacrificing!
We believe it is our God-given role to rescue (read: control)
all the poor souls around us who are suffering.
We are totally focused on giving all our energies away!
We devote all our strength to helping and rescuing others.
We don’t just give some of our strength to others—
we give them all of our strength!
As we do so
we entirely neglect our own physical and emotional needs.
We therefore live in a continuous state of exhaustion
always on the verge of collapse.
We may indeed collapse
from burnout
or from some other stress induced condition.
The term that describes us is: codependent.
They say that when a codependent is drowning
someone else’s life flashes before their eyes.
Can you see that we who wear sign one (dependent)
and sign two (codependent)
are made for each other?
We attract each other
get totally addicted to each other
stay stuck in our immature positions
live in misery
– but call it love.
Sign Three: I DON’T NEED ANYONE
We who wear sign three on our foreheads
take deep pride in our extreme independence.
We are loners.
Even if we socialize
we see ourselves as a breed apart and above.
All the strong and great people were loners
we tell ourselves.
Besides, we don’t trust others enough
to let ourselves need anyone.
We see ourselves as self sufficient.
Not like those other poor needy dependents!
Well, on some levels maybe we are self sufficient.
But we are very lonely inside
even if we won’t admit it.
We unfortunately listen to the inner lie
that because we have been hurt before
intimacy is to be feared and avoided.
And so we remain alone.
Unconnected and unfulfilled.
The term to describes us is: independent.
Sign Four: LET’S BUILD TOGETHER
We who wear sign four on our foreheads
are independent enough
to be able to take care of ourselves.
But as we put our essential foundations in place
we reach out and connect with trustworthy people.
We actually let them in to our lives!
We relate deeply with carefully chosen others
and we build mutually beneficial relationships.
In our relationships there is a balance
between what we give and what we receive.
We do not live only for ourselves.
Nor do we live in burn-out mode.
We combine our strengths with the strengths of others.
We build a free and happy life together.
We are interdependent.
Interdependence is a beautiful thing
Yes, we can all grow to become interdependent—
if we decide to.
We can change and grow in this direction as individuals
and we can also change and grow as a society.
Each of us can do our part.
By contributing our best
we can build a healthier and more joyful country.
All of us Americans—the red and the blue—
are right now being offered an incredible opportunity
to find our common ground and grow together.
We are being invited to unite
by a beautiful joyful woman named Kamala Harris.
Kamala Harris has courageously stood up
to lead a new birth of freedom in America.
Whether we are a Republican, Democrat, Independent
or someone who long ago gave up on politics
Kamala Harris is inviting us to join together now
to combine our strengths and build.
She is calling us to raise our beloved America
up where she belongs–
to a higher level of freedom for all.
We can DO this, my friend.
You and I can do this together.
And we will.
We will WIN in November
and we will rebuild our country with love.
Our theme song is
I Want To Know What Love Is
by Foreigner.
In the video of the song
a man is building his life
from a sad and lonely position
toward the interdependent joy of a loving relationship.
As he does so
all the people sing together
to encourage each other
to open their hearts to love!
Can you see…
this is all of us Americans right now!
Can you hear us?
We are beginning to sing this song together!
Yes, America.
We are joyful friends.
All of us who believe in democracy
are joining together now
to bring about
our new birth of freedom.
Let us sing our new birth into life!
I Want to Know What Love Is – video by Foreigner
Spent much of my life with an invisible fence around myself. Working on putting in a few gates.
Deborah,
It is with a heavy heart that I share this news with you. I have suffered a stroke. Not a major stroke, but one that has temporarily hindered my writing abilities. So I won't be writing much for the next three to six months. But I'll continue to read with great interest. All the best. Jim