Who do you see in the mirror?
Dear friend,
I reckon
this dear little monkey
sees a dear little monkey.
But who do you see
looking back
when you look in the mirror?
Do you see a child of God?
Do you see a human being you love?
Do you see your best friend?
Or
do you see
a stupid brainless idiot
a disgusting ugly slob
a total pathetic loser
a useless old wreck?
If you are being met
with hateful judgments
like these
I’m sorry.
It is extremely painful
to be attacked
by a sadistic
would-be dictator.
Fortunately
Fortunately
there is no law that says
we have to submit to cruelty.
No law that says
we have to play victim
to the destructive
wanna-be Godfather
within our own mind
that attacks us daily
with sick judgments
like these.
So let’s ask ourselves:
Why would we bow
to this ridiculous tyrant?
Why would we allow ourselves
to be abused
by its sadistic attacks?
Would our best friend
allow us
to greet him or her
that way?
Well,
the person
looking back at you
in the mirror
IS your best friend.
And if that
is not yet the case
you have work to do.
Filling the void
Many of us go through life
relying on someone else
to be our best friend.
Our mother/father
brother/sister
boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse
buddy
dog/cat
But as long as you
are relying on someone else
to be your best friend
you are using them.
No matter how much
you may love them
you are using them.
You are using them
to fill a void
in yourself.
In psychoanalysis
we call this
having a “self object.”
Using another person
as an object
to plug
an empty space
in our own personality.
Theme song
The theme song
in such a relationship is:
You are my sunshine
my only sunshine
It is a sad
pathetic song.
Relationships
propped up this way
eventually break down.
No one
can make us happy
by providing
the sunshine we lack.
Best they can do
is temporarily fill the gap.
But if the person
we are using
leaves us
or dies…
we are screwed.
We are left
face to face
with our own emptiness.
My friend,
you and I must
create our own sunshine.
This way we will
glow from within.
Only once we do this
will we BE the light
and be able to share it
in a healthy relationship
that glows both ways.
A story about empty
I remember Laurie
a young woman
I worked with in therapy.
She was heartbroken
because her boyfriend of two years
had left her.
During their time together
she called him on the phone
whenever life
became too much for her.
He loved her
and was generous
in giving his support.
He gave her a great deal
of his time and energy.
But she never grew inside.
She never developed
the inner strength
and the inner glow
to become capable
of providing support
to herself.
Instead of getting stronger
and becoming
her own best friend
she came to rely
more and more
upon him.
In the end
her extreme neediness
drove him away.
She could not understand
why he left.
When she looked in the mirror
she saw a total failure.
She became depressed
and suicidal.
Laurie did not know of
anything valuable
within herself
that she could give
to another person.
All she knew how to do
was drain another person dry.
She did not even know
who she was.
She had never
really asked.
It took work
We had to work
a long time
before Laurie
began to see herself
as a beautiful child of God.
A child of Nature
in her words.
She began to see
she had a a deep
love of Nature.
And that with it
she could make
a unique contribution
to the world.
Eventually
she became active
in the environmental movement
and built a life
that gave her identity
and purpose.
She built a loving self
that she was proud of.
Now that she was
no longer empty
she became able
to give love
to another person.
So how about you?
You, too, are a miracle of life.
No matter what you look like
your level of intelligence
your age
or the degree of your success.
No matter how miserable
you may be feeling today.
No matter what
you are up against
in this world.
You, too, are a beautiful person.
And you too
can find
or refind
the best that is in you.
Build
and renew your self
to become a better friend
to yourself
than you have ever been.
Abundant life
You were made
to have life
and have it abundantly.
You were made
to live a joyful life
serving God.
Feeding and tending
yourself
and others.
As you go forward
to build your joyful
and abundant life
you sure
don’t need judgment.
You don’t need judgment
coming from the cruel part
of your own mind
or anyone else’s.
You need grace.
You need compassion.
If you’re not feeling
much compassion for yourself
these days
just know
that I care about you
and value who you are.
That is why
I write to you every week.
I care about that person
looking back at you
in the mirror.
I care how you feel
about yourself.
I want you
to feel good
when you greet yourself.
Content and at peace
to see your best friend
is right there.
So how about
taking another look
in the mirror?
This time with a smile.
I’ll smile with you
and that will make
two dear little monkeys.
We've discussed before the necessity of accepting oneself as one is before one can embark on the journey of discovery that leads to friendship and this is no less true of becoming one's own best friend than it is of making friends with other people. Your presentation today was both moving and beautiful and, regardless of how anyone views the supreme power that governs the universe, and no matter how many dimensions and possibilities one recognizes, achieving joy in life must begin with becoming happy with the reality that each of us lives in ourselves.
As long as we know that we have a choice, and there's always a choice, there is hope.