Dear friend, The best way to win a fight is to make sure no one dares attack you. That’s what “Peace through strength” means. You project so much strength that the person thinking of messing with you thinks twice. But to project strength, you need to know what it
The price of not standing up to a bully,,assuming that you will always try to be honest with yourself, is your loss of self esteem. Remember, one can “stand up” with their mouth as opposed to their fists.
The way to start to get on that right track is by asking yourself every day “ did I do all that I could/should with what I have, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially”?
The biggest challenge we all face in reaching maturity is standing up to our personal bully. Until we can do that and learn that the only way to deal with a bully is by standing up to them, we are self-limiting and will fall short of our potential. My bully is the one who says "Ha, ha, I told you that you couldn't do it and you messed it up." Once I learned that it was OK to make mistakes as long as I learned from them I became better at everything I tried and was willing to try more so my horizon grew. I probably also became a better manager and person because knowing that I would and could make mistakes without the world ending enabled me to accept that other people could do the same.
The best defense became serene self-confidence and the sure knowledge that by working with whomever was on my team we could accomplish anything. Understanding that my family could be part of that team took longer but eventually that worked too. My daughter and I became a much stronger team when we stood up to the bully that is her mother.
"Peace through strength" is brilliant. President Biden is a fine example of someone who is confident in his values and doesn't find a need to tear down. I don't agree with all his decisions. But his basic nature as a human is healthy - and powerful as a result. That's not politics. That's just being a certain kind of person. Confident and strong. Compassionate and empathetic.
Your example of Donald Trump as a bully is so spot on that you probably didn't even need to mention his name. We would ALL know who the current most notorious American bully of our times is. He is another kind of person. Insecure and weak. Numb to the pain of others.
There is a wonderful positivity in your writing, Dr. Hall. It is the antithesis of victimhood. It is about being successful and happy by building. Not by attacking and tearing down.
Yes exactly. Honestly I think I wrote myself to that conclusion. Before that the other parts were just steps along the way. Yes you’re also right in that my experiences have built my frame.
There are many types of strength. Being flexible is strength. Having an inner core of values that won't be compromised is strength. Respecting others is strength. Listening is strength. How a culture cares for those who are helpless is a measure of its strength. Being underestimated may be the greatest strength of all.
We all have an inner bully that kicks us when it can, beating us up for imagined failings or shortcomings. One of the most profound things I was ever told was "Who's voice to you hear telling you that you are not good enough or beating you up?" Many times it's not your voice. Get rid of that voice and know strength.
Men see this conflict differently than women. I know that women must be on guard at all times when confrontation arises, especially with a man. Understandable. The physical threat can be daunting, I'm sure.
As a man, it's a whole different dynamic. My natural inclination -- and hundreds of thousands of years of baked in DNA -- triggers the protect and secure response. I'm a big, strong dude who knows how to protect myself and others. My presence and posturing are not aggressive, but confident. However, if/when I feel a threat I can be intimidating.
I'm aware of that, so I automatically go into equanimous mode. I suppose the best way to say it is that I don't "lose my shit" when others do. The best response, almost always, is to remain calm, don't get triggered, and to walk away.
I consider this "traditional" masculinity. There's strength in bearing and confidence.
Yep. You've touched on it here and something I carry innately ... equanimity. I don't get triggered. Never have. Moreover, I just don't have the "bully bone" in my personality.
That said, I have a low tolerance for bullying behavior. If I sense it is happening, I will intervene, but in a friendly-first, disarming manner. If it persists, friendliness will turn to firmness. The last step ... I don't want to go there. I haven't had to since I was in my early 20s.
I’m sorry Dr. Hall, but you’ve totally lost me on this one. It seems inconceivable that you would choose to use President Trump as an example of a bully. After all the constant attacks and abuse that he continues to be subjected to, he continues to fight on the side of right. He is the epitome of strength, a knight in shining armor who will never give in or give up the fight for justice. The only way to not be a victim is to arm yourself, to be prepared with every measure of self defense. One cannot play nice with people who want to hurt you. The Jews are finally learning this lesson. This time you have let me down.
Donald Trump "will never give up the fight for justice".
This is a broad statement, which sounds good but is not persuasive to me due to a lack of detail in the face of known facts about the man and his behavior.
Justice for who, specifically? And for what specific injustice that they have suffered? And at whose hands have they suffered this injustice?
And what, specifically, will this justice consist of? Legal remedies? Or extra-legal (read unconstitutional and therefore illegal) remedies? And please don't posit that Trump will always respect and follow the Constitution. There is far more than ample, irrefutable evidence that he is not inclined to do so, including his own words to that effect.
You are a fellow American and see Trump as a "knight in shining armor", but not everyone sees him that way, myself included. That doesn't mean that I see you as an "enemy" or begrudge you a view you're entitled to. It does mean that I don't understand why you see him the way you do and am interested to see if there are any answers to my questions that might help me do that.
If you question what justice President Trump is fighting for, then I suppose that you aren’t aware that there is injustice on a very large scale. I see it in the DOJ, CIA, FBI, Federal and State judges. I could also add military justice, having had dealings with the good soldiers in Leavenworth. Nearly 4 years ago we had an election riddled with corruption and fraud. Lawyers that have defended Trump and Trump supporters have been prosecuted and persecuted. If we don’t have a fair and honest election this time, we will lose our Republic and fall to a dictatorship. No more electronic voting machines and no more fake mail-in ballots, and no more stuffing drop boxes! President Trump loves this country, and now knows who all the bad actors are who want to destroy it. This is why they are trying so hard to destroy him, and why he is fighting so hard to keep the Republic.
Well, thanks for your reply, Joanne. As noted, I don't begrudge you your views. But having read it, I'll just say we're so very, very far apart on how we see the reality of things that I suppose it's best to amicably agree to disagree about Donald Trump and the pursuit of justice in our country.
The price of not standing up to a bully,,assuming that you will always try to be honest with yourself, is your loss of self esteem. Remember, one can “stand up” with their mouth as opposed to their fists.
The way to start to get on that right track is by asking yourself every day “ did I do all that I could/should with what I have, emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially”?
Thank you, Steven, for sharing your valuable unsights.
You bring forward the price of NOT standing up to a bully!!!
Yes. We indeed lose respect for ourselves.
And thank you for reminding us that we can stand up verbally not just physically.
I value the deep question you suggest we ask ourselves. It is such a powerful and wide reaching challenge on how we live
all dimensions of our lives.
Edit:: your valuable INsights!
(I need new glasses:)
The biggest challenge we all face in reaching maturity is standing up to our personal bully. Until we can do that and learn that the only way to deal with a bully is by standing up to them, we are self-limiting and will fall short of our potential. My bully is the one who says "Ha, ha, I told you that you couldn't do it and you messed it up." Once I learned that it was OK to make mistakes as long as I learned from them I became better at everything I tried and was willing to try more so my horizon grew. I probably also became a better manager and person because knowing that I would and could make mistakes without the world ending enabled me to accept that other people could do the same.
The best defense became serene self-confidence and the sure knowledge that by working with whomever was on my team we could accomplish anything. Understanding that my family could be part of that team took longer but eventually that worked too. My daughter and I became a much stronger team when we stood up to the bully that is her mother.
Dave,
You have nailed it.
Thank you for explaining how standing up to our personal bully
is the core necessity for reaching maturity.
I entirely agree with you.
Fred (see below) has also brought us insight on the necessity
of shutting up the voice of the bully.
When I work with a person in therapy, building their insight and ego strength
to stand up to their inner bully (we analysts call it the sadistic superego)
is the central aim of my work.
Shifting the balance of power in favor of the healthy ego
is the goal of my therapy, as even a small shift in that direction
pays major dividends in reduction of suffering and increase of life success.
It is evident from your story how much difference it made when you no longer
submitted either to the inner bully nor to the outer one.
All of us are always up against being bullied on both levels,
but it is our success on the inner battlefront
that girds our loins for success on the outer battlefront.
"Peace through strength" is brilliant. President Biden is a fine example of someone who is confident in his values and doesn't find a need to tear down. I don't agree with all his decisions. But his basic nature as a human is healthy - and powerful as a result. That's not politics. That's just being a certain kind of person. Confident and strong. Compassionate and empathetic.
Your example of Donald Trump as a bully is so spot on that you probably didn't even need to mention his name. We would ALL know who the current most notorious American bully of our times is. He is another kind of person. Insecure and weak. Numb to the pain of others.
There is a wonderful positivity in your writing, Dr. Hall. It is the antithesis of victimhood. It is about being successful and happy by building. Not by attacking and tearing down.
Kudos. I look forward to more.
BTW, I love the mountain lion :)
Bill,
Thank you so much for your encouragement.
I am positive and optimistic because I deeply believe
in the capacity of all of us to renew and rebuild.
I spent years playing the victim
so am happy I have been making up for lost time :)
I seek to BECOME the best builder I can.
These days we all wrestling with the question of bullies.
Both sides of our great divide are 100% sure
they know who the bullies are.
As Stanley points out below,
let's all make sure we use our own mirror :)
And yeah, that mountain lion rocks :)
Always manage your own expectations. Control your own framing. Make sure you use your own mirror.
Stanley,
Thank you for each insight you offer us here!
I am pondering the meaning of each one.
I intuit that each emerged from your own experience.
So far I haven't fully comprehended the first two
but I may have grasped the third:
"Make sure you use your own mirror."
I think you mean:
Look your own self in the eyes!
Don't see yourself in other peoples' mirror--
how THEY see you is not the most important view.
Do I understand?
Yes exactly. Honestly I think I wrote myself to that conclusion. Before that the other parts were just steps along the way. Yes you’re also right in that my experiences have built my frame.
Thank you, Stanley.
I see how your steps lead to the mirror!
I’m glad, sometimes I don’t know where I’m going until I’m there.
There are many types of strength. Being flexible is strength. Having an inner core of values that won't be compromised is strength. Respecting others is strength. Listening is strength. How a culture cares for those who are helpless is a measure of its strength. Being underestimated may be the greatest strength of all.
We all have an inner bully that kicks us when it can, beating us up for imagined failings or shortcomings. One of the most profound things I was ever told was "Who's voice to you hear telling you that you are not good enough or beating you up?" Many times it's not your voice. Get rid of that voice and know strength.
Fred,
Thank you for pointing out that there are many types,
many expressions, of real strength.
None of those you name are counterfeit or phony.,
and are all highly constructive and needed in our society.
Thank you naming them as it assists us to see
the many levels we can become strong contributors on,
even if we are less able to do so on other levels.
I, too, find deeply profound the question you quote:
"Whose voice do you hear telling you
that you are not good enough or beating you up?"
Yes, that voice (we analysts call it the sadistic superego)
is not your voice.
It is actually the exaggerated caricature
of the worst qualities of your mother and father
(with none of their redeeming qualities :)
"Get rid of that voice and know strength" is the epitome of psychological health.
Interesting approach to this topic, Deborah.
Men see this conflict differently than women. I know that women must be on guard at all times when confrontation arises, especially with a man. Understandable. The physical threat can be daunting, I'm sure.
As a man, it's a whole different dynamic. My natural inclination -- and hundreds of thousands of years of baked in DNA -- triggers the protect and secure response. I'm a big, strong dude who knows how to protect myself and others. My presence and posturing are not aggressive, but confident. However, if/when I feel a threat I can be intimidating.
I'm aware of that, so I automatically go into equanimous mode. I suppose the best way to say it is that I don't "lose my shit" when others do. The best response, almost always, is to remain calm, don't get triggered, and to walk away.
I consider this "traditional" masculinity. There's strength in bearing and confidence.
Jim,
Thank you for your substantial response to my letter!
Your approach to this topic is both interesting and intriguing.
I have read your ideas over several times to get further inside them.
Referring to the physical threat of bullies,
yes, for a woman the physical threat of a male bully
is extremely daunting due to the disparity of physical strength.
I am focused less on the physical and more on the psychological protection from threat:
the psychological strength that is needed to be utilized by females AND males
--any who do not project sufficient physical strength to act as a deterrent.
Psychological strength, including as you say "bearing and confidence," is available to all.
Depending on the force coming at one, however, it may or may not be sufficient to deter :)
As for me, I have never had to do physical battle, though at times I prepared myself to.
I did, however, experience major physical danger from bullies several times as a teenager.
I saved myself by my calm psychological strength under fire,
my strategic capacity to see how to get out,
and my capacity to lie convincingly.
I later analyzed exactly how I got into those situations,
and--through building my psychological prevention capabilities--
have never repeated them.
Yep. You've touched on it here and something I carry innately ... equanimity. I don't get triggered. Never have. Moreover, I just don't have the "bully bone" in my personality.
That said, I have a low tolerance for bullying behavior. If I sense it is happening, I will intervene, but in a friendly-first, disarming manner. If it persists, friendliness will turn to firmness. The last step ... I don't want to go there. I haven't had to since I was in my early 20s.
I can see you staying cool, Jim!
But I reckon you ain't no bystander neither :)
Like you, I greatly prefer when we don't have to intervene.
When given no choice, I use words to go for the jugular.
I’m sorry Dr. Hall, but you’ve totally lost me on this one. It seems inconceivable that you would choose to use President Trump as an example of a bully. After all the constant attacks and abuse that he continues to be subjected to, he continues to fight on the side of right. He is the epitome of strength, a knight in shining armor who will never give in or give up the fight for justice. The only way to not be a victim is to arm yourself, to be prepared with every measure of self defense. One cannot play nice with people who want to hurt you. The Jews are finally learning this lesson. This time you have let me down.
Donald Trump "will never give up the fight for justice".
This is a broad statement, which sounds good but is not persuasive to me due to a lack of detail in the face of known facts about the man and his behavior.
Justice for who, specifically? And for what specific injustice that they have suffered? And at whose hands have they suffered this injustice?
And what, specifically, will this justice consist of? Legal remedies? Or extra-legal (read unconstitutional and therefore illegal) remedies? And please don't posit that Trump will always respect and follow the Constitution. There is far more than ample, irrefutable evidence that he is not inclined to do so, including his own words to that effect.
You are a fellow American and see Trump as a "knight in shining armor", but not everyone sees him that way, myself included. That doesn't mean that I see you as an "enemy" or begrudge you a view you're entitled to. It does mean that I don't understand why you see him the way you do and am interested to see if there are any answers to my questions that might help me do that.
If you question what justice President Trump is fighting for, then I suppose that you aren’t aware that there is injustice on a very large scale. I see it in the DOJ, CIA, FBI, Federal and State judges. I could also add military justice, having had dealings with the good soldiers in Leavenworth. Nearly 4 years ago we had an election riddled with corruption and fraud. Lawyers that have defended Trump and Trump supporters have been prosecuted and persecuted. If we don’t have a fair and honest election this time, we will lose our Republic and fall to a dictatorship. No more electronic voting machines and no more fake mail-in ballots, and no more stuffing drop boxes! President Trump loves this country, and now knows who all the bad actors are who want to destroy it. This is why they are trying so hard to destroy him, and why he is fighting so hard to keep the Republic.
Well, thanks for your reply, Joanne. As noted, I don't begrudge you your views. But having read it, I'll just say we're so very, very far apart on how we see the reality of things that I suppose it's best to amicably agree to disagree about Donald Trump and the pursuit of justice in our country.
Dear Joanne,
Thank you.
Thank you greatly for speaking up.
You respectfully make clear how you see Trump differently than I do.
I am very glad you feel free to do so here.
I want readers on both sides of our great divide to feel welcome in this community.
As citizens of our great country we all care deeply and need to be heard.
By putting my own perspective forward
I offer my best thoughts, just as you have quite eloquently done here.
We are both free.
I'm sorry that you feel I have let you down.
You have not let me down.
I am glad you removed the halo from my head as I tend to get a bit full of myself.