Dear friend, When was the last time you had a life changing experience? What does that even mean? Our language is now so exaggerated that we call a sandwich “amazing!” A child spells “cat” or draws a circle for the sun, and we say “you’re awesome!!!”
"Instead of sitting there wishing for them you actually have to muster the courage to go out in the world and FIND them!" And be willing to recognize them when they are found. We also suffer from an excess of expectations when it comes to life changing events. Each day brings life changing opportunities, not all of which are "Paul on the road to Damascus" events. Chancing to read a Substack post that turns out to connect with a valuable teacher and challenger can certainly be life changing. Taking a walk on a route one covers 2 or 3 times a week and noticing that tulips have started to pop out of the ground brings one in closer touch with the ongoing realities of life, not all of which are tied up in politics - most of the important ones aren't. Just having that realization is life changing and probably life prolonging as well.
The bastardization of our language might be the biggest challenge we face in reestablishing civil conversation and rational behavior. It is very accurately observed that when everything is "awesome," nothing else. Any word or phrase, repeated endlessly, becomes meaningless even; "I love you" loses impact when repeated by rote and not supported with actions and behaviors. It's difficult, bordering on impossible, to critique anyone's performance when the words are heard as personal criticism rather than supportive commentary with the goal of improved performance. Bill's comments on mentoring are spot on and the value of a trusted and trusting mentor is found in the ability to interact openly, especially when the message isn't the one we're hoping to hear.
To answer your question, I hope one day to have my life changed to the point where I live the advice I've just given constantly and consistently. Might happen.
My favorite word in this letter is "mentor". I remember a high school English teacher who was an early mentor - he taught me more than proper grammar. He taught us critical thinking.
But the mentor that had a pivotal impact on my life was a store manager where I worked. I was 18 and had just accepted a job in department store sales. Not my ambition. Just a job I could walk to. I was broke and had no vehicle.
I asked if I could clean out the stock room between customers. "Henry" said sure. Apparently I did a really good job, because soon I was rearranging, reorganizing and restocking the whole men's department. I heard that Henry spoke to some corporate leaders and had recommended me. I became candidate #2 in a new "management training program". As the years passed, I was passed to one mentor after another including the store owners. A new better job was offered every two years until I was running a large key portion of the merchandising division. Henry launched me. Forever grateful.
The next company I worked for was "mentorship" on steroids. A perfect fit for me. The owner told us we should spend at least 25% of our time cultivating and developing employees - the only thing holding this company back would be a shortage of human talent. I was in a groove I loved.
I don't miss the grueling hours and the pressure for profits that is the essence of retail management. But I do miss the mentoring of eager hardworking people. When a young man, who I had been responsible for, called me from his new assignment running his own very large operation - called to thank me - I had one of the best days of my career. Mentoring is another way to "pay it forward". It feels so good.
Thanks for the appreciation. Your posts have referenced "building" and it is something that not all of us focus on. For sure, we all have our rants and complaints. I am no exception.
But you and I share an excitement for building people up. That doesn't mean we shouldn't confront bullies and clearly evil behavior. But most people have the potential to thrive and grow with the right kind of help from others.
Would I have thrived if I didn't get that sort of early encouragement? I don't know.
Dr. H, today I celebrate my wedding anniversary. My lovely wife and I were remembering this morning over coffee how much we’ve been through — good and difficult — in four relatively short years. It’s been life changing, for sure. And it didn’t just happen. As you write, it takes courage to step out and seek a life-changing experience. Our relationship is better and more fulfilling than I imagined was possible.
As the Greek philosopher Cicero said many years ago, “We avoid challenges because they are difficult. But it is because we avoid them that they are difficult “.
I think agree that people need to actively reach out and find the help they need with their challenges.
However let’s remember that to find doctors, therapists, and teachers as mentors is very difficult indeed.
In Canada where due to governments’ extreme underfunding of doctors, hospitals, teachers and universities, doctors, therapists, nurses, and teachers are leaving their professions in droves.
In Ontario almost half of the people have NO family doctor, and in Peterborough where I live, 68,000 people have no family doctor. And the population of Peterborough is only about 86,000. The result is that we have to go the hospital Emergency Department which is terribly overburdened due to underfunding and where stressed out doctors, therapists, and other medical staff are taking early retirement or sick leave.
The same is true of teachers who are underpaid in spite of their huge numbers of students and over-crowded and unsafe classrooms. Stressed out also by their often mentally ill students, they too are taking sick leave or early retirement.
So it’s all very well to say, go out and find a mentor --- but where are the mentors to be found?
Deborah, thank you for your gracious response to my comments that mentors are by no means easy to find at a time when so many hospitals, doctors, medical personnel and schools, universities and teachers are so extremely underfunded.
And I think it is wonderful that on this site you are bringing your own psychoanalytic expertise and insights to the many people who desperately need help.
Beautiful post, beautiful message. Always good to be reminded that gratitude is within our control; it is of our own construction; and it says so much about what we value in this life.
It’s you who have changed my life. I was so immersed in the sadness of losing my husband, that I forgot to be grateful for the beautiful years we had, and I forgot to count all my blessings. Today I lost my sister, but through the sorrow and the tears, I’m also being grateful and blessed for having her in my life. I’m nearly 83, but I still look forward to a new chapter of joy, happiness and most of all fulfillment. Thank you for helping me along the way in this journey.
When I think life-changing one of the things that comes to mind is the Covid year which I’m sure changed everyone’s life. I consider the start of it all to be March 15, 2020. Being the Ides of March and all makes it seem appropriate.
I went out to shop and apparently the panic buying had already started and the shelves were terribly bare. So, I thought “Beer!” And behold the beer aisle was well-stocked. My fellow shoppers had poor priorities and I had a 12 pack of Newcastle Brown.
By the time that 12 pack was gone though, I was thinking 1) Do I want to continue to risk a deadly virus to go out and buy beer and 2) Is it a great idea to be drinking when I’m going to be socially isolated for God knows how long?
So, I wasn’t drinking heavy before Covid, but essentially quit during it. My decision became to emerge better than I went into it.
During Covid I took up Stoic philosophy and guitar. I’ve continued those practices afterward as we’ve gotten as far back towards normal as we’ll ever be.
My current senseis are Ryan Holiday and Robert Greene for things spiritual and intellectual, I suppose. It’s because of them I’ve gotten so interested in reading history and biography that I’d ignored before. I study guitar online with Tomas Michaud who is a wonderful person and is so encouraging.
Beginning at age 4, when my parents divorced, I have had so many life changing experiences that they have become the norm. Now, at age 85, the last 10 yrs. have been stable. I've been living in the same place, with the same person and doing the same things almost daily. It's a relief to not have life changing experiences.
Great advice. Too often we forget that it is ultimately up to us to act for change. In Shakespeare's Julius Ceasar, Cassius wants Brutus to take action. Brutus wants to use astrology to see if the time is right. Cassius says to Brutus, " Men at some time are masters of their fate. The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars but in ourselves. " I have kept thar quote in mind since high school English class. That and "S&%t happens" have helped me through life.
"Instead of sitting there wishing for them you actually have to muster the courage to go out in the world and FIND them!" And be willing to recognize them when they are found. We also suffer from an excess of expectations when it comes to life changing events. Each day brings life changing opportunities, not all of which are "Paul on the road to Damascus" events. Chancing to read a Substack post that turns out to connect with a valuable teacher and challenger can certainly be life changing. Taking a walk on a route one covers 2 or 3 times a week and noticing that tulips have started to pop out of the ground brings one in closer touch with the ongoing realities of life, not all of which are tied up in politics - most of the important ones aren't. Just having that realization is life changing and probably life prolonging as well.
The bastardization of our language might be the biggest challenge we face in reestablishing civil conversation and rational behavior. It is very accurately observed that when everything is "awesome," nothing else. Any word or phrase, repeated endlessly, becomes meaningless even; "I love you" loses impact when repeated by rote and not supported with actions and behaviors. It's difficult, bordering on impossible, to critique anyone's performance when the words are heard as personal criticism rather than supportive commentary with the goal of improved performance. Bill's comments on mentoring are spot on and the value of a trusted and trusting mentor is found in the ability to interact openly, especially when the message isn't the one we're hoping to hear.
To answer your question, I hope one day to have my life changed to the point where I live the advice I've just given constantly and consistently. Might happen.
Hahaha you are a pure delight, Dave!
I didn't see that ending coming.
But allow me to join you
by hoping to have MY life changed
in all the idealized ways
my letters call us to transform ourselves.
As previously confessed,
I am an unrepentant dreamer
and have great faith in things unseen.
As do we all Deborah, whether we acknowledge it or not. When we stop dreaming and learning we will have stopped living even if we still draw breath.
My favorite word in this letter is "mentor". I remember a high school English teacher who was an early mentor - he taught me more than proper grammar. He taught us critical thinking.
But the mentor that had a pivotal impact on my life was a store manager where I worked. I was 18 and had just accepted a job in department store sales. Not my ambition. Just a job I could walk to. I was broke and had no vehicle.
I asked if I could clean out the stock room between customers. "Henry" said sure. Apparently I did a really good job, because soon I was rearranging, reorganizing and restocking the whole men's department. I heard that Henry spoke to some corporate leaders and had recommended me. I became candidate #2 in a new "management training program". As the years passed, I was passed to one mentor after another including the store owners. A new better job was offered every two years until I was running a large key portion of the merchandising division. Henry launched me. Forever grateful.
The next company I worked for was "mentorship" on steroids. A perfect fit for me. The owner told us we should spend at least 25% of our time cultivating and developing employees - the only thing holding this company back would be a shortage of human talent. I was in a groove I loved.
I don't miss the grueling hours and the pressure for profits that is the essence of retail management. But I do miss the mentoring of eager hardworking people. When a young man, who I had been responsible for, called me from his new assignment running his own very large operation - called to thank me - I had one of the best days of my career. Mentoring is another way to "pay it forward". It feels so good.
Bill,
I have been savoring your deeply inspiring story.
Thank you for sharing it with all of us here.
I am sure there are others among us, like me,
who have never had any such experiences
and who marvel at how you grew into each one.
Wow.
You were 18 and broke.
You got the job
then you asked to clean out the stock room between customers.
I bet Henry never saw that before!!!
Well, when he saw your character and your work ethic,
he opened that first door!
And you?
Ha! You took that first opportunity so to heart
that one mentor after another recognized your potential
and developed you higher to yet another new level.
And then,
you spent your successful career doing the same thing for others!
You mentored your own eager hardworking employees!
What an unforgettable incredibly joyful day that must have been,
the day one called you to thank you.
Thanks for the appreciation. Your posts have referenced "building" and it is something that not all of us focus on. For sure, we all have our rants and complaints. I am no exception.
But you and I share an excitement for building people up. That doesn't mean we shouldn't confront bullies and clearly evil behavior. But most people have the potential to thrive and grow with the right kind of help from others.
Would I have thrived if I didn't get that sort of early encouragement? I don't know.
Keep writing Dr. H ! You are doing great work.
Thank you, Bill.
Your words mean more to me than you would know.
Dr. H, today I celebrate my wedding anniversary. My lovely wife and I were remembering this morning over coffee how much we’ve been through — good and difficult — in four relatively short years. It’s been life changing, for sure. And it didn’t just happen. As you write, it takes courage to step out and seek a life-changing experience. Our relationship is better and more fulfilling than I imagined was possible.
I am shedding tears of joy for you both.
Please allow me to share
in celebrating your courage
and your fulfilment.
No wonder you write
so strong and well, Will.
You have Beloved Wife by your side 💛💛
As the Greek philosopher Cicero said many years ago, “We avoid challenges because they are difficult. But it is because we avoid them that they are difficult “.
I think agree that people need to actively reach out and find the help they need with their challenges.
However let’s remember that to find doctors, therapists, and teachers as mentors is very difficult indeed.
In Canada where due to governments’ extreme underfunding of doctors, hospitals, teachers and universities, doctors, therapists, nurses, and teachers are leaving their professions in droves.
In Ontario almost half of the people have NO family doctor, and in Peterborough where I live, 68,000 people have no family doctor. And the population of Peterborough is only about 86,000. The result is that we have to go the hospital Emergency Department which is terribly overburdened due to underfunding and where stressed out doctors, therapists, and other medical staff are taking early retirement or sick leave.
The same is true of teachers who are underpaid in spite of their huge numbers of students and over-crowded and unsafe classrooms. Stressed out also by their often mentally ill students, they too are taking sick leave or early retirement.
So it’s all very well to say, go out and find a mentor --- but where are the mentors to be found?
Yes, these are serious concerns that you raise, Dr. Morton.
Thank you for broadening our discussion to include physicians,
nurses and hospitals.
Having life changing experiences with medical professionals
is often necessary for our very survival!
I can verify what you say about the effects of extreme underfunding
of health care and education in Ontario, as I have family living there.
Getting professional help in Canada is very hard indeed, as you say,
and not easy in the US either.
One of the reasons I work online is very few people these days
have ever been exposed to psychoanalytic ideas.
Few could afford to talk with a psychoanalytic therapist, if they could even find one!
I hope that by offering psychoanalytic insights
that provide solutions to everyday dilemmas
that I can serve a wide range of people in a practical and life changing way.
I see myself as mentoring my readers at the same time as they are mentoring me--
because I am learning from the life experiences and insights of each one.
I grow each week as I write my letter
and as I reflect on my readers' fascinating responses to me.
There are many outstanding mentors to be found on Substack,
both among the writers and the readers,
and many in other domains of the internet as well.
I recently found my business mentor, Graham Cochrane, online.
I bought his book, but most of his teaching is free and available to anyone.
Learning from him has been a wonderful ongoing life changing experience for me.
We can also seek mentors at our gym, our church/synagogue/mosque,
in our hobby or sports club, or in political action group.
I'm sorry if I glibly made it sound as if I think it is easy
to find a mentor or teacher or any other of the persons
with whom we can have life changing experiences.
It isn't easy, as you have clearly pointed out.
Deborah, thank you for your gracious response to my comments that mentors are by no means easy to find at a time when so many hospitals, doctors, medical personnel and schools, universities and teachers are so extremely underfunded.
And I think it is wonderful that on this site you are bringing your own psychoanalytic expertise and insights to the many people who desperately need help.
Kudos and Many Thanks to you.
Beautiful post, beautiful message. Always good to be reminded that gratitude is within our control; it is of our own construction; and it says so much about what we value in this life.
Thank you, Sam, for your encouragement.
Yes it is so enlightening to discover
how much of our lives is our own construction.
As far as the bad and the ugly,
sometimes when I share insight
on how much of it we construct ourselves
the listener thinks I am blaming the victim.
I'm not. I'm explaining the victim.
Only when we actually understand the ways we victimize ourselves
can we summon our power to begin to live differently.
Begin to live according to life generating values
that build freedom for ourselves and others.
I love that caveat. "Explaining the victim." Putting words to the workings of the mind.
Yes, we gently offer words that shed light on causation.
Words without judgment or blame.
We are not attacking them.
On the contrary,
by explaining their suffering at the causal level
we are protecting them from their own self attack.
It’s you who have changed my life. I was so immersed in the sadness of losing my husband, that I forgot to be grateful for the beautiful years we had, and I forgot to count all my blessings. Today I lost my sister, but through the sorrow and the tears, I’m also being grateful and blessed for having her in my life. I’m nearly 83, but I still look forward to a new chapter of joy, happiness and most of all fulfillment. Thank you for helping me along the way in this journey.
Dear Joanne,
I weep with you in the loss of your dear sister.
I am so sorry you are again in sorrow and grief.
You are a very brave woman
to gratefully rise above both losses.
I am honored to accompany you
as you go forth into your fresh new life.
You shall fly with joyful wings!
and you shall find your fulfillment.
When I think life-changing one of the things that comes to mind is the Covid year which I’m sure changed everyone’s life. I consider the start of it all to be March 15, 2020. Being the Ides of March and all makes it seem appropriate.
I went out to shop and apparently the panic buying had already started and the shelves were terribly bare. So, I thought “Beer!” And behold the beer aisle was well-stocked. My fellow shoppers had poor priorities and I had a 12 pack of Newcastle Brown.
By the time that 12 pack was gone though, I was thinking 1) Do I want to continue to risk a deadly virus to go out and buy beer and 2) Is it a great idea to be drinking when I’m going to be socially isolated for God knows how long?
So, I wasn’t drinking heavy before Covid, but essentially quit during it. My decision became to emerge better than I went into it.
During Covid I took up Stoic philosophy and guitar. I’ve continued those practices afterward as we’ve gotten as far back towards normal as we’ll ever be.
My current senseis are Ryan Holiday and Robert Greene for things spiritual and intellectual, I suppose. It’s because of them I’ve gotten so interested in reading history and biography that I’d ignored before. I study guitar online with Tomas Michaud who is a wonderful person and is so encouraging.
Be well, y’all!
Kevin,
Wow what an inspiring story you share with us here.
You took matters into your own hands
and YOU created your OWN life changing experiences!!!
You saw ahead of you the danger of taking the downward path.
You made the courageous decision:
"NO, I ain't goin' down.
I'm goin' UP."
You did, and you have--
in major domains of your life.
For joy, Kevin!
You rock
Thank you so much.
So true. Only inner change can happen within these 4 walls.
And isn't it incredible just how MUCH inner change
we are capable of "within these 4 walls"
if and when we want and need to bring it about
Beginning at age 4, when my parents divorced, I have had so many life changing experiences that they have become the norm. Now, at age 85, the last 10 yrs. have been stable. I've been living in the same place, with the same person and doing the same things almost daily. It's a relief to not have life changing experiences.
I hear you, Herr!
If we are forced too young into tremendous life changes
and if we continue to have to make and survive such changes throughout our lives
and if at long last we make it through to 75 and stable...
and proceed to achieve and experience 10 years of hard earned PEACE...
well, I reckon that to hear some doc expound on making MORE life changes
would be enough to make us throw up :) I admire your restraint.
Do enjoy your blessed relief, Herr,
and congratulations on all your victories.
Great advice. Too often we forget that it is ultimately up to us to act for change. In Shakespeare's Julius Ceasar, Cassius wants Brutus to take action. Brutus wants to use astrology to see if the time is right. Cassius says to Brutus, " Men at some time are masters of their fate. The fault dear Brutus is not in our stars but in ourselves. " I have kept thar quote in mind since high school English class. That and "S&%t happens" have helped me through life.
Fred,
I am moved that these words of Shakespeare
that you read in high school
have stayed with you all these years.
I had heard them,
but now for the first time receive them in their full power.
Thank you.
How clearly these words challenge us to face ourselves!
In the past year I have begun exploring Shakespeare
in earnest for the first time.
First his Sonnets, and now Hamlet.
This great quote you bring forward to us here
renews my motivation to go in there,
dig deep, and FIND the treasure.
It’s all about being available to be changed. Rigidity is a limit on personal development.
Yes, thank you Stanley for bringing forward
the essential ingredient that I left out.
We can find the right teacher, the right mentor, the right anyone.
But unless we open our mind to new ideas,
new awareness, new perceptions of ourselves and our motivations,
we will not be available to be changed.
As you say, our rigidity will limit
whatever personal development may have been possible.
Thanks for saying that. Sometimes I don’t even know how I come up with stuff.