How do we deal constructively with a difficult person?
Dear friend,
When you see the words difficult person
I bet someone comes to mind.
Someone you work with
or someone in your family.
Difficult may be a mild term for them.
This person is a piece of work.
You may feel like singing along with Dylan
in his song Positively Fourth Street:
I wish that for just one time you could stand inside my shoes
You’d know what a drag it is to see you.
But regardless of this person’s unfortunate personality and actions,
you realize you must find
a constructive way to relate to them.
Getting into conflict has not helped.
Neither has ignoring them.
So, what else can you do?
Let me offer you some ideas.
Keep it in perspective
One thing that helps me
to deal constructively with a difficult person
is that I spent years as a clinical psychologist
doing psychotherapy with patients
in the high security forensic unit
of a major psychiatric hospital.
People in there are way-y-y-y more difficult to deal with
than any we encounter in everyday life.
Relating with deeply ill people
and learning how to reach them and build with them
gave me perspective.
Now, when all I have to deal with
is someone with a few rough edges,
I feel lucky.
I think:
“WOW, this person is a piece of cake, by comparison!”
So,
next time you face having to deal with someone difficult,
begin by demoting the challenge.
See them as an annoyance, not a catastrophe.
You have surely encountered
a few genuine catastrophes in your life.
Be glad this person is not one of them!
Even if they are,
I assure you that my ideas will still apply.
These ideas were developed deep in the trenches,
connecting with persons
everyone else considered hopeless.
Look in the mirror
The next thing we can do is look in the mirror.
Recognize that we, too, are an annoyance!
(hopefully not a full-on catastrophe :)
Yes, some people ask themselves:
how can they deal with us?
Recognizing that we ourselves are flawed humans,
NOT superior to others–
is called having humility.
Humility is in short supply in today’s cancel culture
and in our cultural/political wars.
These days every single one of us
apparently believes
we are better than THEM.
We are intelligent!
We are the only true patriots!
We are correct on every issue!
We are not like
all those ignorant vermin/maggots (take your pick)
who are out to destroy America.
And the more enthralled we become
with our own superiority
and the more we gather in our little online cliques
to vehemently channel
our derision, disdain and contempt for The Other
and the more we cancel cancel cancel
all those destructive fools…
the more like them we become.
Where contempt leads
I read both sides,
and recommend that you do so as well.
The extreme contempt both sides
are now heaping on their fellow Americans
turns my stomach.
I am astonished and alarmed
at just how identical we are becoming
in our rage.
Identical in our arrogant contempt
for all those who disagree with us.
Identical in our openly broadcast wish to
get rid of them.
The wish to destroy the other side
rather than to find areas for compromise
is the destruction of democracy.
It is the cause of civil war.
Many of our lifelong friendships are ending
as we blindly move in that tragic direction.
No bridge
When we self righteously vent,
offending and enraging the other side,
we cut off all possibility of finding common ground.
We build no bridge.
No way out.
No way for either side
to save face
and move back from the brink.
All we succeed in doing
is driving the other side
further into the arms of their dear leader.
Our current approach
When we focus entirely
on what we consider is wrong with another person
all we do is cause our relationship with this person
to get worse
and
the health of our own personality and spirit
to deteriorate.
Judging others is a path to nowhere.
Our new motive
Fortunately,
there is a way out of this self defeating and futile trap.
But it requires us to develop
an entirely different motive.
Instead of looking for what is wrong
with this difficult person,
we search for what is right.
We search for their inner core of goodness,
no matter how well hidden it may be.
Whether the person we are dealing with
is an annoyance or a catastrophe,
the same principle holds:
we find the best in them.
Our new spirit
Instead of judging this person,
we forgive them.
We forgive them their weaknesses and imperfections,
as we ask to be forgiven ours.
We forgive them their lack of consideration,
their intrusion,
their ingratitude,
their arrogant views that we find so offensive,
as we ask to be forgiven ours.
Both sides hold some of the truth
and
neither side has all of the truth.
If we are willing to search
for the insights the other side has,
we will discover new awareness.
It may be hard for us
to fraternize with “the enemy.”
But we need each other.
We need to be each other’s teachers.
But at the same time as we draw closer as human beings,
we still need to maintain our boundaries
to prevent the ill side of the other person from harming us.
We prevent their:
political extremism
religious extremism
depression
personality disorder
addictions
rage
fear
psychosis
and
psychopathy
from doing us damage.
If the person we are dealing with is ill
in any of these ways
we forgive them for the fact they are ill.
Dear friend, remember
This difficult person you are seeking to deal with constructively
did not consciously choose to become unhealthy
any more than you and I ever did.
Any choice any of us ever made
to embrace and surrender to illness
(mental, physical, spiritual or political)
was made at an unconscious level.
Fortunately, with work,
such tragic choices can be unchosen.
Meanwhile let us remember that
none of us is superior to a person who is ill.
Every one of us is ill in some way
on some level.
How does God deal with a difficult person?
We would do well to ask ourselves:
How does God treat an unhealthy and challenging individual?
Well, I believe God treats every person on earth
with mercy, kindness and compassion
just as God is treating each one of us right now.
So, how do WE deal with a difficult person?
Following God’s example,
we treat this child of God
(yes, the one who has us at wits end :)
with mercy, kindness, and compassion.
We find the best in them. We find the gold!
We find the gold
we take hold of it
and we don’t let go.
Blessings,
Dr. Hall
Question:
Have you ever dug deep and found the gold in someone?
Here’s a song to keep us all searching.
You raise many good points. There are truly evil people in our world. From your writing it is obvious that you have looked a few in the eyes and seen the emptiness. They will never change. I believe that the vast majority of humans want the same basic things and have more in common than our current social/political climate suggests. How to reach that common ground is the hard part.
Dr. Hall,
You have asked us (again) to challenge our thinking. Or maybe actually think instead of simply reacting. I think that at it's core your suggestion is extremely healthy. And in most situations worth a serious effort.
But there are situations where such an approach is like walking into a tiger trap. You don't see it coming, but all of a sudden you have fallen through and have been impaled.
It's hard not to be angry at people who vote against their better interests when they base their votes on lies and conspiracy nonsense. If that's all it comes down to - a political difference with what we might consider a well intentioned person - I would be game to engage in the manner you prescribe.
But I can think of three circumstances where a person has acted so hatefully - with a wonton desire to hurt - that I require putting them in the "toxic person" department. There are people that are irredeemably broken who project such evil and harm that they are best avoided.
I admire the spirit of your letter and I hope it can be applied in many situations. But sometimes, personal mental health - psychological survival - require putting a person in a figurative box, locking it and securing the key. Call it canceling, ghosting, ignoring...whatever. Sometimes, to do otherwise is to relinquish our own power to achieve happiness.
I have made it a mission to surround myself with people who want the best for others. When I have done otherwise the price has been awful.
None of the above suggests that I think you are on a wrong path. Au contraire. If there were more who thought like you, the world would be a much better place.
Thanks for the good ideas!
Bill