Dear friend, When you see the words difficult person I bet someone comes to mind. Someone you work with or someone in your family. Difficult may be a mild term for them. This person is a piece of work. You may feel like singing along with Dylan in his song Positively Fourth Street:
When judging (we all judged; it's in our DNA) and trying to interact with difficult actors, it's always best to have judged oneself first. Humility trumps self-righteousness every time. But one must not lose sight of one's own worth and moral code in the process.
I remember a particular Kupuna who told me, while I was in a difficult position with many working on an opposite version, she said, there is nothing you can do for them. Through this quite long experience I got wisdom from Brother David Steindl-Rast, who says, trust life. We don't know how to digest a cup of coffee. Life does it. And Mattieu Richard says those who put their hand in the fire [think they will] not be burned. Cause and effect.
For me forgiveness is an act of unconditional love. so I practice this however it has nothing to do with all the steps, each one, that I must take. Just as with children, boundaries are the most important. Law is our adult boundary. What we see may be the effect of commercial competition, which is trenchant. Without humanity.
Monotheism removes the woman, and so this is something else, another veil.
You have asked us (again) to challenge our thinking. Or maybe actually think instead of simply reacting. I think that at it's core your suggestion is extremely healthy. And in most situations worth a serious effort.
But there are situations where such an approach is like walking into a tiger trap. You don't see it coming, but all of a sudden you have fallen through and have been impaled.
It's hard not to be angry at people who vote against their better interests when they base their votes on lies and conspiracy nonsense. If that's all it comes down to - a political difference with what we might consider a well intentioned person - I would be game to engage in the manner you prescribe.
But I can think of three circumstances where a person has acted so hatefully - with a wonton desire to hurt - that I require putting them in the "toxic person" department. There are people that are irredeemably broken who project such evil and harm that they are best avoided.
I admire the spirit of your letter and I hope it can be applied in many situations. But sometimes, personal mental health - psychological survival - require putting a person in a figurative box, locking it and securing the key. Call it canceling, ghosting, ignoring...whatever. Sometimes, to do otherwise is to relinquish our own power to achieve happiness.
I have made it a mission to surround myself with people who want the best for others. When I have done otherwise the price has been awful.
None of the above suggests that I think you are on a wrong path. Au contraire. If there were more who thought like you, the world would be a much better place.
Ha! I am a kitchen fanatic. I can handle it :) The first thing I think about in the morning is what we're going to prepare for dinner! (A favorite show for us was "The Bear")
I think there are difficult people and there are destructive people. The former can be important for us to attempt to understand. It might be someone we can't afford to lose - or just don't want to lose! So parking the anger after acknowledging its reality is smart. And as you so wisely guide, we can attempt to understand them better. I have just begun to read David Brooks latest book called "How to Know a Person". Less anger, more learning. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/112974860
The latter - the ones who are destroyers - I park entirely.
Have I been misled in the past? Surely you jest! Isn't that basic to all of us :) I have allowed myself to be misled (allowed is a retrospective assessment) by someone I thought I loved. I think now I really loved the idea of her. My fantasy of who she is. The reality when revealed to me was a shocker. But really, she was a product - just like all of us - of a world that didn't have the same values as me. Why did it take so long for me to get that? If I had dwelled less in my gaga fantasy world and seen the truth before my eyes...if only. The good news is that I took it all as a lesson. And it led to my very happy companionship - the "girl of my dreams".
Yes, I can chuckle now about all that. It gets easier as time passes.
Deborah, I always appreciate your advice because it is so thought-provoking. As is your advice about how best to deal with a difficult person. You suggest that no matter how difficult the person is, it is best for us not to judge them but to try to understand them, and ultimately to forgive them, just as God has forgiven us. However I would like to point out that the latter only refers to the Christian belief in a forgiving, loving God, whereas there are many other religions which see their gods as capricious and often vengeful and cruel, especially to so-called sinners.
But more to the point of your advice that we should not judge difficult people and should instead try to understand them and ultimately to forgive them: I wonder how it is possible to understand, let alone to forgive a difficult person who is evil through and through, such as the genocidal mass murderer Adolph Hitler, and the rapist murderer Paul Barnardo who tortured young women before murdering them?
In fact, it was because most Western leaders did NOT judge Hitler’s true nature as evil through and through until the outbreak of war when it was too late, that the horror of the Holocaust murdered over 10 million people. And who could ever understand and forgive the vicious rapist murderer Paul Barnardo? Surely it is important to recognize that some difficult people. mentally ill or not, are completely evil, and cannot ever be forgiven.
When that difficult person has authority over you and tries to undermind and derail you, it's not easy to forgive and forget. Eventually, you may be able to forgive, and there's no forgetting. One can learn how to avoid that person and move on, still, the scars remain and sometimes, someone else just like them appears to remind you that you're not perfect and the forgiveness starts all over again. As we age, hopefully, we learn to recognize those traits early in the relationship and either confront them or leave in order to remain sane. Thank you again for your writing.
Thank you, I appreciate your kindness and understanding. I also appreciate "meeting" Joanna through you. We have a lively correspondence that keeps getting deeper.
You raise many good points. There are truly evil people in our world. From your writing it is obvious that you have looked a few in the eyes and seen the emptiness. They will never change. I believe that the vast majority of humans want the same basic things and have more in common than our current social/political climate suggests. How to reach that common ground is the hard part.
The scary part about those who do evil things is not how different they are from the rest of us, but how similar they are to the rest of us. Many of us have dark and terrible things deep down inside. They are not put there by an ideology, that are there already. All the ideology does is give them permission to come out. Once a group is identified as being them and not us and the ideology gives permission horrible things follow. We as a species, still have to overcome the killer primate that lives within. It will be a slog.
Well Dr. Hall you did it again. This time not only did you help me but a very old and dear high school friend who has been terribly hurt by her cold fish of a daughter. I’ve been hurt by my daughter verbally from the time she was quite young. We just weren’t the type of parents she wanted. What finally ended the hurt ( though you never get over being rejected by your own child), was her declaring that she wanted to be free of us. My husband and I gladly gave her the freedom she wanted, and though she only lives ten minutes away in a house that we helped her and her husband buy, so that they could spend quality time with us (which lasted about a year and a half), it’s been 13 years since I’ve heard from her, which is fine, because part of me is still afraid of her. She has no idea that her father had gone through prostate cancer, stroke and has passed away just last year, and happened to be cremated on her birthday! He was the kind of loving, supportive Dad that I would have killed for! I have held so much anger for her festering inside of me. People talk of forgiveness, but I could never or never knew how to forgive what to me is unforgivable. You have shown me the way, and hopefully my friend, out of the pain of having to forgive terrible actions and hurts, to forgiving the person for their shortcomings, their missing links of love and compassion. I can do this now for my parents, an older sister and anyone else who has ever hurt me. It was never intentional, but the shortcomings of how they were made. At 83 you have lifted such a heavy burden from my shoulders. Thank you once again and G-d Bless! As a PS, every week I attend a special dinner and happen to have been invited to sit at a table of strangers who have become good and dear friends, but are of the opposite political party which was a shock, because they seem so intelligent!! They are so incredibly kind and nice to me, and likewise consider me such a good friend, that I have lately frlt emotional conflict. Our country is being destroyed by these people and yet they are such good people. So, people can be wonderful, just a little misinformed and stupid!! You always open my eyes and make me feel so good! I love tou, Dr. Hall 🤗🥰
Thanks Deborah. The perspective on degrees of annoyance is very helpful to keep in mind.
I find that sometimes what annoys me in a person is a clue to some flaw in my own thinking. I am starting to recognize this as opportunities to challenge, broaden, and change my views on something.
You speak with eloquence and passion showing a true belief in a better world. I hope we can bring it into being.
When judging (we all judged; it's in our DNA) and trying to interact with difficult actors, it's always best to have judged oneself first. Humility trumps self-righteousness every time. But one must not lose sight of one's own worth and moral code in the process.
Actually, M., I am opposed to judging, period.
I am even more opposed to judging ourselves
because THAT is precisely the judgment we deflect onto others
--to get it off our own backs :)
Judging of self and others is ALL conducted
by the sadistic part of our mind.
Having mercy on ourselves
is what allows us to have mercy on others.
The Biblical injunction:
"Judge not that ye be not judged"
has as its psychological counterpart:
"Judge not yourself
that ye not judge others."
It takes healthy ego strength
and confidence in one's own basic goodness
to be merciful in both directions: inward and outward.
Even when we violate our own moral code
it is best to challenge rather than judge.
As I wrote in my letter:
"Judging others is a path to nowhere."
So is judging ourselves.
I remember a particular Kupuna who told me, while I was in a difficult position with many working on an opposite version, she said, there is nothing you can do for them. Through this quite long experience I got wisdom from Brother David Steindl-Rast, who says, trust life. We don't know how to digest a cup of coffee. Life does it. And Mattieu Richard says those who put their hand in the fire [think they will] not be burned. Cause and effect.
For me forgiveness is an act of unconditional love. so I practice this however it has nothing to do with all the steps, each one, that I must take. Just as with children, boundaries are the most important. Law is our adult boundary. What we see may be the effect of commercial competition, which is trenchant. Without humanity.
Monotheism removes the woman, and so this is something else, another veil.
Kelly,
Thank you for bringing in these fresh
and harmonious perspectives I was unaware of.
There are so many teachers to learn from!
Yes "Trust life" is such beautiful wisdom.
And I never thought of forgiveness as unconditional love,
but it surely is!
As for commercial competition and monotheism,
I'm all in for both, but we have all had different experiences
in these areas that have shaped our views, and I welcome yours.
I looked up Kapuna and learned you were speaking with your elders.
It is lovely that you gain wisdom from them!
edit: kupuna
Dr. Hall,
You have asked us (again) to challenge our thinking. Or maybe actually think instead of simply reacting. I think that at it's core your suggestion is extremely healthy. And in most situations worth a serious effort.
But there are situations where such an approach is like walking into a tiger trap. You don't see it coming, but all of a sudden you have fallen through and have been impaled.
It's hard not to be angry at people who vote against their better interests when they base their votes on lies and conspiracy nonsense. If that's all it comes down to - a political difference with what we might consider a well intentioned person - I would be game to engage in the manner you prescribe.
But I can think of three circumstances where a person has acted so hatefully - with a wonton desire to hurt - that I require putting them in the "toxic person" department. There are people that are irredeemably broken who project such evil and harm that they are best avoided.
I admire the spirit of your letter and I hope it can be applied in many situations. But sometimes, personal mental health - psychological survival - require putting a person in a figurative box, locking it and securing the key. Call it canceling, ghosting, ignoring...whatever. Sometimes, to do otherwise is to relinquish our own power to achieve happiness.
I have made it a mission to surround myself with people who want the best for others. When I have done otherwise the price has been awful.
None of the above suggests that I think you are on a wrong path. Au contraire. If there were more who thought like you, the world would be a much better place.
Thanks for the good ideas!
Bill
Bill,
You are a delight!
I love how much you enjoy being challenged
by someone who wants the best for you!
The cool thing about dealing with difficult people is:
We can place the boundary exactly where it needs to be
with each given person who is a vexation to the spirit.
AND...at the same time!!!...
we can let go of our anger toward them.
You say:
"It's hard not to be angry
at people who vote against their better interests
when they base their votes on lies and conspiracy nonsense."
And I say:
Huh?...Why you would feel angry with them?
They are misguided.
They have fallen under the influence of a con man.
Have you never been misguided? I have been, many times.
Have you never fallen under the influence of a con man? I have, many times.
If you say: Well, they're angry with ME!!!
I say: Bully for you for being angry back.
Which side shall we give the medal to,
the SOB who is more pissed ???
If you are still with me, Bill, and still laughing,
you are a big man and a brave man.
This kitchen will get hot from time to time
(I ain't playing tiddlywinks)
but I write for those who can stand the heat.
The rest will leave skid marks :)
Ha! I am a kitchen fanatic. I can handle it :) The first thing I think about in the morning is what we're going to prepare for dinner! (A favorite show for us was "The Bear")
I think there are difficult people and there are destructive people. The former can be important for us to attempt to understand. It might be someone we can't afford to lose - or just don't want to lose! So parking the anger after acknowledging its reality is smart. And as you so wisely guide, we can attempt to understand them better. I have just begun to read David Brooks latest book called "How to Know a Person". Less anger, more learning. https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/112974860
The latter - the ones who are destroyers - I park entirely.
Have I been misled in the past? Surely you jest! Isn't that basic to all of us :) I have allowed myself to be misled (allowed is a retrospective assessment) by someone I thought I loved. I think now I really loved the idea of her. My fantasy of who she is. The reality when revealed to me was a shocker. But really, she was a product - just like all of us - of a world that didn't have the same values as me. Why did it take so long for me to get that? If I had dwelled less in my gaga fantasy world and seen the truth before my eyes...if only. The good news is that I took it all as a lesson. And it led to my very happy companionship - the "girl of my dreams".
Yes, I can chuckle now about all that. It gets easier as time passes.
Bill,
God bless you and your beloved.
I am so happy for you
that you found the girl of your dreams.
I found the guy of my dreams
ten years ago.
So many of our dreams are possible
once we learn what keeps us from them!
That is why I am here in Solutions.
To teach myself
and all who care to listen
what it is
that keeps us from our dreams...
and how to clear the runway.
You may not have guessed, Bill,
that I wrote this letter on forgiveness
for you.
That is why it gives me such joy
that you received it,
as well as my response to your response,
in the spirit in which it was intended.
Ha indeed!
from your fellow kitchen fanatic.
Deborah, I always appreciate your advice because it is so thought-provoking. As is your advice about how best to deal with a difficult person. You suggest that no matter how difficult the person is, it is best for us not to judge them but to try to understand them, and ultimately to forgive them, just as God has forgiven us. However I would like to point out that the latter only refers to the Christian belief in a forgiving, loving God, whereas there are many other religions which see their gods as capricious and often vengeful and cruel, especially to so-called sinners.
But more to the point of your advice that we should not judge difficult people and should instead try to understand them and ultimately to forgive them: I wonder how it is possible to understand, let alone to forgive a difficult person who is evil through and through, such as the genocidal mass murderer Adolph Hitler, and the rapist murderer Paul Barnardo who tortured young women before murdering them?
In fact, it was because most Western leaders did NOT judge Hitler’s true nature as evil through and through until the outbreak of war when it was too late, that the horror of the Holocaust murdered over 10 million people. And who could ever understand and forgive the vicious rapist murderer Paul Barnardo? Surely it is important to recognize that some difficult people. mentally ill or not, are completely evil, and cannot ever be forgiven.
Patricia,
Thank you once again for bringing forward the deep questions,
the ones that prevent us from holding glib views.
Yes, forgiveness is central to Christianity.
But even most Christians believe that repentance is necessary
before a person can be forgiven.
And most would agree with you
that some horrendous evil doers are simply beyond being forgiven.
That is how we humans tend to look at it.
Yet Christ, as he was dying in agony on the cross,
forgave his torturers/murderers.
He called out:
"Father, forgive them. They know not what they do."
I assure you they were not sorry.
On the contrary,
they ecstatically savored every vicious minute
watching him suffer... on and on, in agony... and die.
Is it possible to understand and forgive those soldiers?
And others like them, and worse?
For God, evidently yes.
For us, I would say it is up to each one of us.
I could not have treated the murderers and sadists
I did therapy with in the psychiatric hospital
if I did not forgive them.
Therapy without love is not therapy
and does no good.
They sent me the worst patients
because I saw them as human
and was able to relate with them.
I remember the Bernardo case well.
I was living in Toronto at the time.
Could I treat Bernardo?
Yes. I even wish I had the opportunity.
Why? Because I would be honoring his victims.
I would be making sure they did not die in vain.
I would get to the deep core of why he did it.
I would learn more about how
the inner psyche of the psychopath works.
That is what I was doing in the forensic ward:
seeking to learn how the malignant mind functions
and how the malignancy can be dismantled
to prevent such atrocities being perpetrated
upon other young and innocent girls.
When I forgive the killer he no longer has any power over me.
I am free to work on deconstructing the killer in him.
Mind you, I am not in favor of setting ANY killers free.
We are still at an early stage in discovering
how to transform a killer into a person
who is no longer a threat to society.
I have for decades been developing my own theory
on malignancy of the mind and how it can be overcome.
Your questions keep me thinking, Patricia!
Thank you for bringing them forward.
When that difficult person has authority over you and tries to undermind and derail you, it's not easy to forgive and forget. Eventually, you may be able to forgive, and there's no forgetting. One can learn how to avoid that person and move on, still, the scars remain and sometimes, someone else just like them appears to remind you that you're not perfect and the forgiveness starts all over again. As we age, hopefully, we learn to recognize those traits early in the relationship and either confront them or leave in order to remain sane. Thank you again for your writing.
Your point is so important, geo:
We need to learn to recognize EARLY
the traits of those who are likely to hurt us.
Avoid such people if at all possible.
Confront, and leave, if necessary.
It's not the pain we need to remember.
It's the path that led to it,
and the lessons we learned.
I have forgiven AND forgotten the people who hurt me.
They are small faded potatoes to me now.
I don't give a single one the power to leave a lasting scar on me.
My skin, my heart, my soul, are entirely mine,
and with therapy and God's help,
all of me has healed well.
And I have become a far better protector of myself.
I look down the road and steer clear of trouble.
Yes, I have become my own best friend :)
Thank you so much for sharing your insights here, geo.
I am so glad you like to read and think about my writing.
I always find your responses valuable.
Thank you, I appreciate your kindness and understanding. I also appreciate "meeting" Joanna through you. We have a lively correspondence that keeps getting deeper.
That is wonderful!
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"
Brilliance in the basics.
Thank you, Dr. Hall.
Sam,
I forgot that powerful scripture!
But it sure says it all, don't it?
I am happy that you feel
I effectively got the basics out there.
I love to render the complex into the clear.
I believe the core principles of health and life
CAN be rendered into their actionable essence.
That is my joy in this little workshop.
Thank you for reading me
and sharing your thoughts with me.
I always try to remember who am I to judge? Preconceived notions can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can get what you expect.
O my, Stanley, I didn't think of that!
Yes, I see it now...
The unintended effect of judging and expecting the worst
is that it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy!
People we judge
can live DOWN to our expectations,
just like the kid we expect to be a loser
lives down to it.
Thank you, Stanley, for contributing
your deep and very helpful insight
on WHY we should not judge.
sometimes you get better than you expect and it is from the work you do, and is fun when you notice and test it.
You raise many good points. There are truly evil people in our world. From your writing it is obvious that you have looked a few in the eyes and seen the emptiness. They will never change. I believe that the vast majority of humans want the same basic things and have more in common than our current social/political climate suggests. How to reach that common ground is the hard part.
Fred,
Yes, I believe you are right about the vast majority of us.
We want the same basic things,
and we have WAY more in common than we often realize.
I believe if we would look together
at each contentious issue,
we would see that each side--liberal and conservative--
understands one dimension of the solution,
but misses the dimension understood by the other side.
We would see that we need to combine
our awareness and our strengths
in order to solve our problems.
Most political leaders have law degrees.
In law school, you are trained to demolish the other lawyer's case.
You are NOT trained to find areas of common ground.
Is it any wonder that they don't?
We need to elect more people who studied the humanities,
where healthy compromise is recognized
as the core component of ALL relationships,
including the relationship between the parties in a democracy.
We need to build a healthy political marriage
that holds together the central core of our country.
I believe we can do this.
As for the "truly evil,"
yes I have been eye to eye with a number
who could be described as such.
But I never met one who was completely empty
nor completely evil.
I always found some gold buried down in there.
They talked with me for hours
even if they would talk with no one else.
The nurses used to say:
Dr. Hall could get blood from a stone :)
Some did change a little,
and it was always worth it
to see the light briefly in their eyes
even if they later killed themselves.
The scary part about those who do evil things is not how different they are from the rest of us, but how similar they are to the rest of us. Many of us have dark and terrible things deep down inside. They are not put there by an ideology, that are there already. All the ideology does is give them permission to come out. Once a group is identified as being them and not us and the ideology gives permission horrible things follow. We as a species, still have to overcome the killer primate that lives within. It will be a slog.
Fred, your first sentence is the raw and terrifying truth
that few people can bear to realize.
But it is a tremendous advantage to realize it
as it then makes it possible to face and combat.
I would alter your second sentence: it is not "many of us," it is all.
And yes, the dark and terrible part of us
was there from the git go.
As you say, not placed there by ideology.
Fascist (or any other totalitarian ideology)
merely gives permission, as you say,
for our inner fascist/sadist to come out to play (i.e., kill.)
It is when our healthy ego is in a weakened state
and surrenders to our own inner tyrant
(the part of our mind we psychoanalysts call the sadistic superego)
that we become recruitment material for political fascists/extremists.
Such tyrants surrendered long ago to their own inner destroyer,
and are out to recruit accomplices and idolaters.
The ecstasy of the crowd listening to the fascist leader
is their joy of feeling their sadistic side set "free"
--being given full permission (as you say)--
indeed being CALLED into guilt-free and admired service
to attack and ultimately kill The Other.
We as a species need to recognize
that it is ONLY the passive masochistic surrender of our healthy ego
that allows the sadistic superego to take over.
This is true both in our individual minds, and in our society.
The deepest danger--indeed the actual malignancy--
is our masochistic passive surrender
--not the fascist force itself.
As it has been said:
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil
is for good men to do nothing."
Yes, Fred, it will be a slog.
But we humans are quite capable of shifting the balance of power!
There is no law that says:
The sadistic superego shall be victorious in conquering the ego.
I say, let's all tell the sadistic superego--
both internal and external--
to go to hell.
Let's unite the healthy core of our country
to hold strong against takeover by the sadistic forces
at both ends of the political spectrum
so that those holding the political center
can work together to build a healthy democracy
and bring about a new birth of freedom in our land.
Well Dr. Hall you did it again. This time not only did you help me but a very old and dear high school friend who has been terribly hurt by her cold fish of a daughter. I’ve been hurt by my daughter verbally from the time she was quite young. We just weren’t the type of parents she wanted. What finally ended the hurt ( though you never get over being rejected by your own child), was her declaring that she wanted to be free of us. My husband and I gladly gave her the freedom she wanted, and though she only lives ten minutes away in a house that we helped her and her husband buy, so that they could spend quality time with us (which lasted about a year and a half), it’s been 13 years since I’ve heard from her, which is fine, because part of me is still afraid of her. She has no idea that her father had gone through prostate cancer, stroke and has passed away just last year, and happened to be cremated on her birthday! He was the kind of loving, supportive Dad that I would have killed for! I have held so much anger for her festering inside of me. People talk of forgiveness, but I could never or never knew how to forgive what to me is unforgivable. You have shown me the way, and hopefully my friend, out of the pain of having to forgive terrible actions and hurts, to forgiving the person for their shortcomings, their missing links of love and compassion. I can do this now for my parents, an older sister and anyone else who has ever hurt me. It was never intentional, but the shortcomings of how they were made. At 83 you have lifted such a heavy burden from my shoulders. Thank you once again and G-d Bless! As a PS, every week I attend a special dinner and happen to have been invited to sit at a table of strangers who have become good and dear friends, but are of the opposite political party which was a shock, because they seem so intelligent!! They are so incredibly kind and nice to me, and likewise consider me such a good friend, that I have lately frlt emotional conflict. Our country is being destroyed by these people and yet they are such good people. So, people can be wonderful, just a little misinformed and stupid!! You always open my eyes and make me feel so good! I love tou, Dr. Hall 🤗🥰
more below
I love you, too, Joanne
I will write more tomorrow
Joanne,
I am deeply moved to read
that your heavy burden has lifted!
And I am happy for your friend as well.
I admire you for being so receptive
to a new way of thinking about forgiveness.
Until we forgive the person who hurt us,
they still have power over us.
They are still hurting us, over and over,
even if we don't see each other for years.
By holding onto the painful grievance.
we are still giving them the power to make us suffer.
When we forgive them,
we take our power back.
We are finally free of their actions.
We are no longer suffering.
We are even free, if we wish,
to resume loving them (in our hearts)
as we always wished they could love us.
That THEY couldn't love is tragic.
That we CAN is a blessing.
No one has the power
to stop us from loving them in our hearts,
even if it is unsafe to do it anywhere else.
Dr. Hall, I want you to know that you have promoted a special friendship between me and Herr forkenspoon!! That is another blessing and miracle!
I am very happy to hear of this blessing, Joanne!
Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Deborah. The perspective on degrees of annoyance is very helpful to keep in mind.
I find that sometimes what annoys me in a person is a clue to some flaw in my own thinking. I am starting to recognize this as opportunities to challenge, broaden, and change my views on something.
Thank you, David, for bringing forward your important insight on this.
Indeed, we are blessed to discover, in this manner, areas in which we need to grow.
Yes, "Some flaw in my own thinking"
may indeed be an actual flaw in your perspective
that someone has legitimately felt annoyed by.
In that case, yes--it is highly beneficial and commendable
to realize you are being an annoyance
and that you need to open up, broaden your mind and change your views.
Allow me, though , to offer you a caution.
You are a male. Gasp.
That alone makes you an annoyance
to a large number of feminists
and others who are focused on "male toxicity"
and opposing "the patriarchy."
But not only are you male, you are wealthy. Gasp. Gasp.
And not only are you male and wealthy, you are white. Gasp. Gasp .Gasp.
The potential is unlimited
for a highly informed and convincing idealogue
to make you feel guilty, contrite, ashamed...
and to feel that your every view is an annoyance (if not a crime.)
Changing your own views to be more in sync with any ideologue
whose perspective is inherently hostile to a rich white male
is a slippery slope.
The first few of your views that you change may SEEM reasonable.
They may even BE reasonable!
(I am not opposed to learning what we need to learn.
I am opposed to throwing the baby out with the bath.)
But...wait till you see what ELSE they will find annoying about you :):):)
The idealogue is never satisfied till you buy their entire ideology.
Me, I can smell an idealogue a mile away,
and I give them a wide berth.
Even when they write utterly compelling books full of facts.
Which they do, with great regularity.
I don't dispute many if not most of their facts.
It's what they DO with their facts.
It's where they want ultimately want to GO.
Where they want to go, I ain't goin'.
Why?
Because I do not buy ANY of the anti-male anti-capitalist ideology
driving the current Cultural Revolution in America.
It is decimating the morale of the men in our land.
I am unabashedly pro-male.
I respect the male species,
and frequently stand up to defend it from those who don't.
At the same time,
I am a champion of women's freedom.
(No woman should allow herself to be bullied by any male nor by any female.
There are just as many female bullies as male bullies in our country.)
I just define women's freedom and men's freedom totally differently
from the way the Cultural Revolutionaries do.
And my solutions bear no resemblance to theirs.
Yet, please know
that my caution about idealogues is intended for us both.
Because we care deeply, David, we are both vulnerable
to the subtle or not so subtle diatribes of idealogues of various kinds--
political, religious, you name it.
But you and I both have searching and inquiring minds,
and we will keep them free.
Free always to see more, understand more, and then speak.
Speak what we see...
and then we outgrow it!