Has anyone ever tried to get you to be someone you’re not? Make a huge life decision to head in a direction you don’t want? Maybe take training or education in a field or at a school that isn’t you… Take a job that pays well but isn’t aligned with your values or your goals in life…
The bravest life decision was one I made far too late, when I divorced my wife. She had dominated me and our daughter using anger and threats and, once I made the decision to free myself from that, I could help my daughter to do the same. Life is much better now. The weird part is, I thought I was following my values when I married her.
My mother got me into a private college that I was ill prepared for, didn’t want to go and quit after one semester. She didn’t like my husband who was short and only 103, talked back to her, and was totally the opposite of her other son-in-law. Thanks to knowing and expressing my own mind, I had the most fulfilling, adventurous and loving life imaginable! She also never approved or supported any of my desires or accomplishments, because they weren’t what she wanted for me. I’m so thankful that I always forged ahead and did the things that pleased me.
Profound advice that I wish I had heard 40 years ago. I spent most of my childhood and a good portion of my adult life trying to be what would make others happy and do what was expected of me. I spent 32 years in a career field that I entered to make others happy. I did it well enough, but it was soul sucking. Keep up the good work with your columns.
The bravest life decision was one I made far too late, when I divorced my wife. She had dominated me and our daughter using anger and threats and, once I made the decision to free myself from that, I could help my daughter to do the same. Life is much better now. The weird part is, I thought I was following my values when I married her.
That was so hard, Dave
You were very brave to do something so painful to save you and your daughter.
Your daughter will always respect you
for protecting her.
That it took you a long time shows
you gave it deep thought.
Sometimes we marry following our values
but our partner succumbs to their worst side and makes life impossible for us.
I am so glad life is much better now
My mother got me into a private college that I was ill prepared for, didn’t want to go and quit after one semester. She didn’t like my husband who was short and only 103, talked back to her, and was totally the opposite of her other son-in-law. Thanks to knowing and expressing my own mind, I had the most fulfilling, adventurous and loving life imaginable! She also never approved or supported any of my desires or accomplishments, because they weren’t what she wanted for me. I’m so thankful that I always forged ahead and did the things that pleased me.
Let's call this The Parable of the Independent Minded Girl.
That was a tall order, Joanne, to stand up to a bully.
Especially given that it was your very own mother!
But you and your husband stood up to her
over all the years, in service of life.
Yes, we must honor our mother and our father,
but in this case to honor her
meant you had to disobey her.
So you could live the abundant life God wanted you to have!
And thank you so much for your generous words and support.
Where have you been all my life??
Profound advice that I wish I had heard 40 years ago. I spent most of my childhood and a good portion of my adult life trying to be what would make others happy and do what was expected of me. I spent 32 years in a career field that I entered to make others happy. I did it well enough, but it was soul sucking. Keep up the good work with your columns.
Thank you, Fred, for your thoughts
and for your encouragement.
I believe it is possible at any age to begin anew.
The solution is to reconnect with our dreams.
Those we put on hold to make others happy,
and those we entirely forgot.
If we wanted to be a singer, we can bravely sing ONE song--regardless of our voice!
If we wanted to write poetry, we can boldly write ONE small poem!
(haha I wrote one yesterday :)
If we wanted to be a writer...we can start a substack (as you have)!
No one but ourselves is stopping us now.
So let's rock and roll!
Solid advice. I know this. I’ve got a few ex-wives that prove I didn’t listen to myself. My problem is I think I can fix anything or anyone. I can’t.
I hear you, Stanley.
That is so painful to realize we didn't listen to ourselves.
I thought I could rescue my parents, my partners, my patients.
Alas, that is impossible.
I was fortunate to find a great book, many years ago,
that gave me the insight to recognize I am a codependent.
It gave me the steps I needed to take to recover.
Women Who Love Too Much by Peggy Noonan.
Most of her ideas apply also to men.
Now I offer insight IF it is wanted,
but realize the person must save themselves.
As Fred has so clearly pointed out below!
At the end of the day the only person you can change is yourself and that is hard enough.
Decision: After my wife and son died six months apart in 2020, I had a decision: to forever grieve and hold on to feelings of bitterness and anger ...
... or take those negative feelings, load them into one of Elon's rockets and fire them toward the sun to melt with Icarus.
I chose the latter .... and it's made all the difference.
To be, or not to be,
that is the question.
Shakespeare taught us.
That you rose from the ashes of grief
took great courage, Jim.
I rejoice that you set yourself free
to not only be
but to become.
I don't know that it was courage, but it was a conscious decision ... a resolution of personal agency, I suppose.
I also happen to be a mentally-tough SOB. (lol)
Yeah!
It WAS a decision.
A resolution.
I would call it a vow.
And mentally tough SOB's like you (and me)
keep their vows.
I love that you are an indestructible good man.
With faults ;--)