How shall we deal with defeat?

Dear friend,
No matter how hard we may work to prevent defeat
we are all going to experience it.
Some of us in a major way.

So let’s give serious thought beforehand
to what we will do when a major defeat happens.

It isn’t pessimism to think ahead and prepare ourselves.
It is realism.
One day, if it hasn’t happened already,
we are going to get the stuffing knocked out.

The question is:
What are we going to DO when that happens?

The danger in defeat

Defeat is a profound experience.
If we don’t deal with it well
it can destroy us.

When we experience major failure
we may be diminished in the eyes of others.
We may be rejected and avoided
and suffer many social losses.

However, it is not the outer world
we are most in danger from.
We are most in danger from within.

Part of our own mind takes our defeat
and torments us mercilessly with it.

Attempts to demoralize and ruin us
with relentless and vicious accusations
of blame and guilt.

We have all seen people
who never recovered from a defeat.
They retreated and surrendered and gave up
— sometimes to the point of suicide.

They were unable to stand up
to the continuous barrage of torment
inflicted upon their ego by the sadistic superego
(the cruel inner judge we all have within our own mind.)

You may know all too well this daily torment.
I have certainly gone through it.
I was devastated by guilt
when two of my dearest patients committed suicide.

Coming through this inner onslaught
taught me that recovery from defeat is always possible,
even many years later.

Allow me to offer you some ideas
on how we can deal with defeat
– past, present and future.

Recognizing a defeat

The first challenge in dealing with defeat
is to recognize it.

Defeat is often confused with loss.
They are are not the same thing.

Defeat can be even more difficult to deal with than loss.

Losses are extremely painful,
but most of us are able to grieve and find ways to comfort ourselves.
Over time our sorrow becomes less unbearable.

By contrast, the effects of defeat tend to get worse over time.
If our defeat isn’t faced and dealt with
it may do lasting psychological damage.

Why?

Taking a defeat puts us at risk.
We become vulnerable to self torment.

The sooner we recognize we have taken a defeat,
the more able we are to prevent the damage of self torment.

Some defeats are obvious:
we didn’t get hired, or we got fired;
we weren’t admitted to the school we wanted to go to, or we flunked out;
we didn’t achieve our potential at a sports competition;
we didn’t succeed in attracting the person we wanted to have a relationship with.

Other defeats are not so obvious.
Sometimes a defeat is well hidden — inside a loss.

We may be feeling a terrible loss and are grieving it…
when the most devastating blow we have received
is actually the defeat hidden within the loss.

For example, when our spouse suddenly leaves us,
we suffer painfully from the loss of their presence and their love
but we may be suffering even more from the feeling we have failed.

For another example, when someone we love dies
whether from illness or accident or suicide we are devastated by the loss
but we may be suffering even more from inner guilt for failing to save them.

So—

How do we recognize
that it is actually defeat we are dealing with,
hidden inside our terrible loss?

Defeat brings on feelings of
failure, self condemnation and guilt.

Loss does not.

Steps to deal with defeat

1. Face it.
Accept the fact you failed whether it was your fault or not.
Accept the reality that you have experienced a defeat
whether you could have done anything to prevent it or not.
It happened.

Now, define it.
Write down exactly what was your defeat.

For example:

“I did the best I knew how to love my wife
but our marriage failed.
The fact our marriage ended in divorce
is a defeat of my goal to have a lasting marriage.
No matter who contributed more to the defeat,
I was half of a union that failed.”

2. Be kind.

Ask yourself:
What would I say to my best friend
if this defeat happened to them?

How could I be their best ally
at this painful time in their life?

Write down the loving and constructive and encouraging words
you would say to your best friend.

Now read your own words aloud to yourself.
Absorb your own words like the healing medicine it is.

3. Grieve.

Defeat is a major blow and disappointment.
Give yourself permission to grieve.

What you hoped for and wanted with all your heart
did not happen.

Or if it did happen, it ended.
Suddenly, terribly, prematurely, irrevocably.

You have not only experienced a terrible loss
you have experienced a painful and tragic defeat.

This defeat calls for you to have compassion for yourself,
not self condemnation!

You do not deserve the life sentence of guilt and self torment
being imposed upon you by the cruel inner judge within your mind.

4. Fight back.

Recognize that you are being unjustly accused, lied to, and tormented
by the sadistic part of your own mind.
Its goal is to destroy your morale and ruin your life.

Your healthy ego is your defender.

The vital job of your healthy ego every day of your life
is to shut down the destructive lying voice of the inner tormentor
so you are free to live and pursue your happiness.

How do you shut it down?

Write down every ridiculous accusation being leveled against you.

e.g., “What a stupid bastard you are!
This disaster (death, divorce, suicide) was all your own fault!
If you had been more (attentive, aware, present, etc., etc., etc.)
this horrendous event never would have happened!
What a pathetic excuse for a man/husband/father (woman/wife/mother) you are!
What a loser!”

Every time you hear a new accusation being leveled at you,
write that one down, too.
Get the whole ridiculous script out of your head and down on paper.

These accusations will die of their own absurdity.

Read them aloud.

Listen to the whole long pathetic list
of ridiculous lies and accusations being thrown at you
and LAUGH at them.

Challenge them:

“What kind of BS is this?
I am supposed to be God?
I am supposed to know everything
and do everything
and save everyone from themselves?

And when I fail to be God Almighty
I am supposed to judge myself to be such an entirely guilty failure
that I lie down and accept being tortured?

Why would I do that?
Why would I allow myself to be destroyed
by a bunch of absurd accusations?

I’m not listening to this rubbish.
Go to hell.
I have a life to live!”

5.Forgive yourself

Forgiving yourself for a defeat takes a merciful heart.

You are merciful and forgiving toward others.
Surely you can be merciful and forgiving toward yourself?

6. Learn from it.

Once you are feeling a little better, ask yourself:
What can I learn from this defeat?
Is there anything further I could have done to prevent it?

By learning all we can to prevent a future defeat
we are taking the most constructive action possible.

Learning from our defeat allows us to gain strength from it.
And if we have discovered insights that would be of value to others,
we can share our story so others can gain strength from it as well.

7. Rise above it.

To rise above a defeat means we transcend it.

We go higher.

No matter how heart breaking our defeat was
we gather our courage
and go back out on the field.

We embrace life anew.

We live stronger and more free
knowing that no defeat
will ever stop us.

Blessings,

Dr. Hall

Question:

Which step to deal with defeat is hardest for you?