How to comfort
Dear friend,
When I was little
I would sit
on my mother’s lap
flutter my eyelashes
underneath her chin
and softly exclaim
butterflies! butterflies!
She would
laugh with delight.
My mother had
a lot of pain
in her life.
I did what I could
to give her comfort.
I’m still
her little girl
and I still feel
her pain.
Each of us
who is able
to feel compassion
for another human being
is blessed
to feel it.
It makes us
part of humanity.
I have treated
many people
who could not
feel compassion.
Sad stunted souls
who may never know
the meaning
of John Donne’s words:
No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
Pain is all around
These days
pain is all around.
People are losing
major dimensions of their lives.
They are grieving
on a personal level.
And grieving for our country.
Most people we know
are hurting
one way or another
or will be soon.
Our assumption
When we become aware
a person is suffering
we usually think
they need help.
We tend to assume
this is what they need.
But it may not
be so.
Sometimes
what a person wants
and needs most
is not help
but comfort.
There is a big difference
between needing help
and needing comfort.
We must always
ask ourselves
which one it is.
If a person needs help
it means
they need us
to take action.
They want something
fixed or changed.
If a person needs comfort
they are NOT looking
for us to take action.
They do NOT want
something fixed or changed.
If we misread
the situation
we try to give help
when what is needed
is comfort.
We think the person
is primarily
in trouble
when in fact
they are primarily
in pain.
A gentle touch
I was in a Clinic
a few years ago
for eye surgery.
Next morning was my first
follow up appointment.
A nurse came in
to take the bandages off.
She did it gently but firmly
talking softly to me
the whole time.
It hurt some.
But it didn’t bother me
because
she was so kind.
When she was done
she took a cloth
and ever so gently
washed around my eye.
I thought:
“Wow…she is as gentle
as a butterfly’s wings…”
I totally relaxed.
All was well.
Later I thought
Ah, yes...
That is what it takes
to comfort someone…
gentleness.
Are we gentle enough?
We often ask ourselves
if we are strong enough.
Strong enough
to do tough things.
We seldom ask:
Are we gentle enough?
Gentle enough
to do other things.
Things that may be
equally hard or harder
but where toughness
does us no good.
Are we gentle enough
to give someone
devastating news?
Are we gentle enough
to be there with someone
who is in emotional or physical pain?
Are we gentle enough
to say goodbye to someone
when the time has come?
The capacity to be gentle
For some people
comforting others
comes naturally.
These folks are able
to gently hold us
emotionally and spiritually
when we are suffering.
They are able
to hold us close
to their heart
as they give us
the comfort we need
to come through.
If you have such a person
in your life
who shelters you lovingly
when you need it most
you know
how beautiful
that is.
You know you are blessed.
You know
it is a very special gift
you are receiving.
Fortunately
it is a gift
that can be developed.
With loving gentleness
you too can become
a giver of comfort.
What is hard
It is hard to be gentle
if we have difficulty
being emotional.
We won’t allow ourself
to feel.
It is much easier
to be practical
and give
concrete assistance
than to open our soul
to another person’s pain.
We may fear tears.
Others’ and our own.
We may have been trained
not to cry.
If you are a man
who received that training
it is time
to nail it to the wall
of the museum.
Good men
are strong and gentle both.
That’s why
we call them gentlemen.
How do we begin?
How do we begin
to become gentle enough
to comfort another human being?
The first thing we do
is recognize
this person is NOT US.
Failure to recognize
this fundamental fact
is the main cause
of failure to comfort.
It causes even the most caring
and well meaning person
to blunder.
This person is not us.
They don’t think the way we think.
They don’t feel the way we feel.
Their previous experiences of pain
are completely different
from ours.
They respond to suffering
very differently than we do.
Therefore their needs
are different
from ours.
What does this mean?
It means
we do not already know
what they need.
We begin
from the position
that we are unaware
of the actual needs
of this individual.
And will remain
unaware
until we take the time
to find out.
Discovery
Because we do not know
what another person needs
we must DISCOVER
what they need.
The biggest barrier
to this discovery
is the further
unfounded assumption
that because
we have been through
some similar experience
we know
what they need.
We think:
I have been through
this hell myself.
It was terrible.
I know how this person feels.
I know what they need.
I must make sure
they hear
my wisdom
and take
my advice!
Please note
all the self reference.
All the “I, I, I.”
If we come
from this arrogant position
the suffering person
will leave skid marks
as they make their escape.
Two guidelines for giving comfort
Number One:
Be generous.
Focus entirely
on the feelings of
the suffering person.
It is not about YOU.
Do not self reference.
If you talk about yourself
you force
the suffering person
to think about you
and your suffering.
You may think
you are being kind
by sharing your experiences.
Actually
you are being self centered.
When you comfort someone
the only place
the word I belongs
is when you say
over and over
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry
this happened to you.
I am so sorry
for all your pain.
I wish
I could make it all go away.
I am with you.
I love you.
Number Two:
Do not say
“you should”
“you must”
“you have to.”
Make no suggestions.
Give no advice.
Unless you are explicitly asked
and even then
say nothing
that is an effort
to manage or control.
Share only
whatever insight
you may have gained
and the direction
you took.
Scenes to illustrate what not to do
Our friend’s beloved dog
gets run over and dies.
“I know how you feel,”
we earnestly tell our friend.
“My dog
got hit by a car
a few months ago!!!
God, it’s so awful
when they call
and tell you.
I’ll never forget
the night they called
and told me
he got crushed by a truck.
I never got over it.
Never got over it
till I got another dog.
I swear
that’s the only thing
that will help you.”
Or…
A man’s wife dies
of breast cancer
and he brings himself
to tell another man
about it.
Instead of comforting him
the man tells him about his wife
who also died of cancer
and how he eventually
got over his loss
by marrying again.
Both of these scenes
are cringe worthy.
But let’s admit it.
We have all
made similar mistakes.
We say things
like this
because we think
we are expressing empathy
and compassion.
We are sincere
and we mean well.
But words like these
do not actually
comfort the person.
They more likely
cause them
more pain.
Inside
they may be screaming:
“NO!!! “
“You DON’T know how I feel!!!”
“I don’t WANT to get another dog!!!”
“I don’t WANT to marry another woman!!!”
What to do instead
The gentle way
to comfort someone
who is suffering
is simply to be with them
and listen.
Gently and peacefully
look them in the eyes
and listen.
They will look away
when they say things
that hurt.
But our eyes
are always there
when they return.
We say yes
each time they share
something.
We nod as we listen.
We hear them
at the most profound level
we are capable of.
We are there
gently receiving
understanding
and caring about
their deepest feelings
of grief, pain,
anger, fear.
We listen
for the leads they give us.
We follow those leads
with gentle questions.
We gently ask:
What is the worst part?
What is the hardest thing?
We are not afraid
to go to the core
of their pain.
That is where
they need us to go.
We will know
when we reach
the feelings
they most need
to tell us.
Maybe they need to tell us
what they will miss the most
about the person they lost.
Or maybe
they need to admit
that what is hardest
about the death
is that they feel guilty
for experiencing relief.
We ease their guilt
when we simply nod
and say:
That is so understandable.
This has been a terrible time.
Anyone would be
relieved that it is over.
In sum
To comfort someone
we seek to reach
the core of their pain.
We patiently
find our way to
what hurts the most.
Yes the floodgates will open
but this is when
the healing occurs.
The healing occurs
because they are expressing
their deepest pain
and being heard.
They are no longer alone
in their suffering.
We are right there with them
in their pain.
They can feel
how much we care.
They can feel
how much
we love them.
We are not judging them.
We are not trying to fix them.
They are entirely
and completely safe.
We are holding them
close in our heart
as they move forward.
We are their bridge over troubled water.
Lovely, and needed words and thoughts. Thank you!
Be aware that there is a reaction to your reaction to their’s from the initial action.