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Al Bellenchia's avatar

Lovely, and needed words and thoughts. Thank you!

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Stanley Wotring's avatar

Be aware that there is a reaction to your reaction to their’s from the initial action.

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Armand Beede's avatar

Stanley Wotring: Very good. Well expressed.

I will say, I have to pause to wrap my arms around this one . . . a reaction . . . to a reaction . . . from the initial action . . .

With thought, I think I can get there.

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Armand Beede's avatar

Dr. Deborah Hall: A person of empathy listens and looks.

As one who has lost dear friends over two score of years, these persons are still with me, as vivid as when I would visit.

Lt Col Ted Jordan and his wife, Norby, would invite us for New Year's, and I would sip of the most delicious old-cultured eggnog, subtle and deadly. We would stay overnight -- I would NOT drive.

The soft voice of the man -- he would do a version of "The Night Before Christmas" in a quiet voice that would be magnetic to the children.

The old movies -- William Powell and Myrna Loy in "The Thin-Man" series of movies -- with Col Jordan (over decades of friendship, he always remained, to me, "Colonel Jordan" -- never "Ted" (which Nancy would say, but out of my lips would have been cacophonous). Colonel Jordan had the urbane, quiet ways of William Powell.

Norby and their little Boston terrier, "Prince," who would huff and puff in puppylike excitement for affectionate company.

Norby who was so loving to Colonel Jordan, she would silently converse with her late husband at home.

And then we lost her, too.

But they are spiritually -- very really -- with me.

As are other late friends.

With a grieving person, I know not what to say, so I look, I listen.

You are a very insightful and feeling person. You are one of the reflective writers I look forward to in the morning.

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Fred Basset's avatar

This is needed advice. I have, at a deep level, a tendency to want to take action to help people I care about. When they are hurting I want to "fix" the thing that is hurting them. I continue to learn from you.

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William Weaver's avatar

That was eye-opening. I needed to read that this morning. Thank you for sharing!

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Stanley Sloan's avatar

Thank you for the reminders. Anyone who has gone through tragic loss knows the awkwardness felt by others interacting with them. Your guidance is precious.

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Babette Albin's avatar

Fear of rejection is killer of sharing ourselves with others.

Listening without judgement is rejuvenating.

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Dave Conant - MO's avatar

I never fail to learn when I read your letters Deborah. Thanks to you, I sometimes even become a bit better person, at least for a while.

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Steven Dundas's avatar

Thank you.

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Peggy Kelley's avatar

wonderful post, Dr. Hall. Much wisdom is here! Thank you.

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Optimistic's avatar

Thank you for this post, I consider myself a compassionate person but have seen my missteps in your article. Even when we mean well it can still come across inappropriately. It gives me pause to think and remember to listen more as I’m inclined to “fix” things too.

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Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Excellent guidance for comforting. I know someone who is as kind as kind gets - who tries to comfort by relating. And it is not effective. It's hard to tell her that she is changing the subject back to her - when the whole point should be just listening and affirming the sorrow or the loss or the pain.

Excellent advice, Dr. Hall. Very well said, indeed.

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Patris's avatar

truth, I think, all of it.

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Susan Pacitto's avatar

This observation resonates with me because I am in constant physical pain. I only want comfort, for I know that no one can help fix it. Only God will relieve it in time. Thank you, Deborah.

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