How to deal with anger coming at us
Dear friend,
We all know how painful it feels
when someone gets angry with us.
Sometimes we are innocent.
Sometimes we are not.
Either way, it’s painful.
How can we defuse anger coming at us
so we can deal with it
and resolve the situation?
If we are not innocent
If we are not innocent
the person who is angry with us
has good cause.
Some of us have great difficulty
accepting that anyone
could possibly have good cause
to be angry
with the saintly person we are!
So at most we make some lame excuse
which only makes the aggrieved person
even more angry.
Our attempts to avoid taking responsibility
for our mistakes and offenses
never end well.
The only honorable thing to do
is fully admit
that what we did was wrong.
We resolve the situation
only when we make a sincere apology.
And the sooner the better.
If we are innocent
But what about the times
when we are innocent?
Someone is angry with us
over something
that may be very unfortunate
but is not our fault.
What do we do then?
An unfortunate fiasco
Friends of mine
just got married.
He owns a small house
in a rough neighborhood.
She owns an old house she loves,
30 miles away from his.
They just started living together
in his house
because she got a new job
not far from there.
Her job is long and tiring
and she drives home after dark.
The other night
she got home exhausted to his house
but couldn’t get in.
Couldn’t get her key to work
couldn’t even see
whether it was the right one
among the many on her key chain.
Being out there in the dark
in this tough neighborhood
she got scared.
She began pounding on the door.
Her husband was inside
but had his headphones on
listening to music
and didn’t hear her.
She got so upset
she forgot she had her cell phone
in her purse.
He keeps his cell phone
in his pocket
and would have felt the ringer
if she had called.
She kept banging on the door
and began shouting out to him.
Still no answer.
She became enraged
gave up
and drove 30 miles to her own house.
When she finally reached him by phone
she vented all her rage upon him.
She blamed him for the entire situation.
He emailed me in the morning
laying out to me all the reasons
he believed he was innocent.
His reasons made perfect sense.
But he was having a terrible time
attempting to refute her angry accusations.
He asked me what he could possibly do.
It’s not about reason
I wrote to him:
You are looking at the situation
through the lens of logic and reason.
Through that lens
you are entirely correct.
You did nothing wrong
and have nothing to apologize for.
However
in spite of the fact
you are innocent
you have to let go of your need
for your wife to back down
and agree that you are innocent.
You do not need her to do that.
She can’t and she won’t.
No matter how long you debate
or fight or reason with her.
Why?
Because this situation is not about the facts.
Trying to force her
to face the facts
is a recipe for disaster.
Why embark on a path
that is doomed to fail?
It’s about emotion
Let me offer you a better path,
I wrote.
This path requires you
to recognize that your wife’s reaction
to this situation
is driven by emotion, not fact.
You can’t reason with emotion.
You have to get inside it.
You have to get inside
your wife’s emotion
and feel it yourself.
Imagine you are her
coming home exhausted
after a long day at work.
You arrive in the dark
to an unfamiliar house
in a rough neighborhood.
You want to come in
to the warmth and safety
and presence of your spouse
—but you can’t get in!!!
You get scared.
You bang on the door and yell.
You get no answer.
O my God I can’t get IN.
The finality of your situation
hits you.
You feel abandoned.
Where is my spouse!?!?!?
Your fear turns to rage.
You drive all the way
to your own house
and call to vent your rage
upon the one who abandoned you.
The key is compassion
I told him:
The key to defusing
this whole situation
is compassion.
You must show compassion
for how painful and frightening
it was for her
to cry out to her husband
and not be heard.
Her rage is coming from her feeling
that you abandoned her.
That you were not there for her
when she needed you.
She may have a deep fear
of being abandoned.
Many of us do.
She may in fact
have been abandoned in the past
by a parent or a partner
and is projecting that on you.
The situation of being locked out
and alone in the dark
sparked fear not only of abandonment
but also for her physical safety.
She panicked
and lost all ability
to reason her way through it.
Her terror turned to rage
and she blamed you.
Go straight to her heart
I told him:
To deal with this situation
you must make no attempt
to logically prove to her
that you are not to blame.
It would only enrage her further.
Instead
go straight to her heart
and comfort her.
Comfort her
for the terrible pain and fear
she felt.
Say something like:
O my love,
that must have been horrible.
You were so tired
after your long day at work
and driving home.
Standing out there in the dark
all you wanted was to get inside
where it was safe and warm.
But you couldn’t get in!!!
You banged and banged
and called out to me,
and I never came to let you in.
You must have felt so alone,
so scared.
I feel how horrible
that was, my love.
I am so sorry
you went through this terrible experience.
Please note
You are not taking blame.
You are expressing compassion.
It is your compassion
that will defuse her anger.
She suffered greatly.
By recognizing her suffering
and showing genuine empathy
you are comforting her deep pain.
The more you show
that you actually understand and feel
the pain and desperation she felt
the more you listen to her
as she pours out her fear and her anger
the sooner she will begin to get over it.
Initially she will still be making accusations.
Just ignore the blaming.
Don’t attempt to refute any of it.
The blaming will subside over time
as she feels heard and comforted.
Tell her, again and again:
I am so sorry you went through this, darling.
This is not taking blame.
This is meeting her emotional need
for genuine comfort and compassion.
Prevent a recurrence
To fully resolve this painful situation
you must prevent a recurrence.
Say to her:
Let me hold you.
Take her in your arms.
Look her in the eyes
and gently tell her:
We are going to make sure
this never ever happens again.
We will set things up so it can’t.
Give some thought beforehand
to the steps you need to take
to ensure that she will always
be able to get in to the house.
And the steps you need to take
to ensure that both of you
will always be able to reach each other
in any emergency.
Be open to her ideas.
Together, solve your communication problem
to her full satisfaction and yours.
Once you have solved it
say to her:
I’m sorry my love that I didn’t foresee
that this could happen.
But now we have dealt with it together.
We have made sure
you will always be able to reach me
and are always able to get in to our home
where I will always be
so glad to see you and hold you
and welcome you.”
Stay calm when you are innocent
The situation I have described
may be quite different
from those you may face.
But whenever you are innocent
in the face of anger and pain
the same principles apply.
You need to stay calm.
You can prepare yourself
ahead of time
by embracing
the spirit of forbearance
and loving compassion
it takes
to resist
the powerful impulse to defend.
We all have
a very strong impulse
to instantly defend ourselves
from accusations.
It is best to think first
before reacting.
Recognize how futile it is
to attempt to refute accusations
coming from emotional pain
not from fact.
Decide you need to heal the pain
more than you need to win.
Make this generous decision
and you will do fine.
If a time arrives
If a time arrives
when you are wrongly accused
for emotional reasons,
remember:
There IS no debate
there IS no fight
as long as you
stay calm and listen.
Listening is not agreeing
nor is it accepting blame.
Saying “I hear you” is not surrender.
It is opening the path forward.
The hurting and angry person
needs to be heard.
Don’t defend.
By ignoring the blame part
you are refusing to be provoked
into refuting/defending/fighting.
Let your own knowledge
that you are innocent
hold you strong and calm,
with no need to defend.
Give compassion and comfort.
Show genuine concern
for the wellbeing of the person
who is hurting and angry.
Give comfort and reassurance
till they are feeling better.
Then work together
to resolve the underlying problem
that caused the incident
and take the necessary steps
to prevent its recurrence.
By taking protective action
you provide tangible evidence
that you are a person
who will never abandon them.
By working together
to defuse, resolve and prevent anger
you turn a painful incident
into a deeply reassuring learning experience.
You strengthen the sacred trust
at the core of your relationship.
Logic will never beat emotion or belief. It's just the way we are wired.
I had a sad situation yesterday involving a friend I've known since we were both 10.
I wrote a Substack piece criticizing both presidents for their irresponsible pardons. I was careful to back my opinions up with facts. Within minutes my (former) friend wrote a blistering email with ad hominem attacks, saying ("Are you out of your F-ing mind?" He called it woke shit (he's a full-on Trumper), and asked him to take him off the subscriber list.
I've known this guy for 59 years. Almost six decades. It's sad. And the funny thing is, he's an evangelical Christian. Irony, eh? Anyway, I'll continue to write what I believe in. I've lost a friend because of it, but that's OK. I suppose he'll have to make his peace with God. -- Jim