11 Comments
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David Roberts's avatar

Great advice and a perfect scenario to illustrate it.

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Dave Conant - MO's avatar

A beautiful letter and a testimonial to the value of perspective and the danger of shutting oneself off from the world via headphones, earbuds, or just intense self-absorbed concentration.

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Jim Geschke's avatar

I had a sad situation yesterday involving a friend I've known since we were both 10.

I wrote a Substack piece criticizing both presidents for their irresponsible pardons. I was careful to back my opinions up with facts. Within minutes my (former) friend wrote a blistering email with ad hominem attacks, saying ("Are you out of your F-ing mind?" He called it woke shit (he's a full-on Trumper), and asked him to take him off the subscriber list.

I've known this guy for 59 years. Almost six decades. It's sad. And the funny thing is, he's an evangelical Christian. Irony, eh? Anyway, I'll continue to write what I believe in. I've lost a friend because of it, but that's OK. I suppose he'll have to make his peace with God. -- Jim

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Fred Basset's avatar

Logic will never beat emotion or belief. It's just the way we are wired.

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Eric Mortenson's avatar

Good stuff, Deborah, thank you.

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Dr. Patricia Morton's avatar

Deborah, it would be nice if everyone could react to anger with calmness and compassion.

But what about the hundreds of thousands of women who are experiencing abuse and often deadly violence every day from their own husbands and/or partners?

Should they be reacting with calmness and compassion??

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Babette Albin's avatar

A woman who lived in an isolated street near my house, told me she was raped in her driveway one night when she arrived home. She said husband was inside the home, clueless. This incident occurred more than 35 years ago, before there were cell phones.

Why didn’t he open the door when he realized that her car was in the driveway?

That was my reaction.

She seemed quite calm about the situation. It astounded me that they continued to live together in the same location. It also surprisesd me that told me about this crime, despite the fact that l had never met her before and only mentioned that I lived around the corner and up the street!

I think l asked her if she reported this incident to the police. To me it meant that l shouldn’t walk there at night!

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Stanley Wotring's avatar

Validation of the person you are arguing with is a great tool for defusing an argument

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Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

I get how this misunderstanding ocurred. But my logical basic mind says two things:

First: If you have headphones on and you can't hear someone banging on your door...you have checked out. You have embraced obliviousness. Not interested in anyone else.

Second: If you are knocking on your own door and can't get in...ummm, plan ahead and have a spare key. Or if you REALLY consider it your home...kick the door in or break a window to OWN your home.

JMO, I could be wrong. But I think driving away was just sending a message. No?

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George Neidorf's avatar

There are times when one questions the value of relationships and wonders if they are worth the aggravation?

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Olusegun Osifuye's avatar

When you mentioned "Emotions" it hit real deep. particularly this sentence: "You have to get inside

your wife’s emotion and feel it yourself."

This scenario is a common clash amongst couples (men and women) between logic and emotions.

Thanks for sharing this beautiful piece, Deborah.

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