How to say NO to The Hard Sell
Dear friend,
When was the last time
someone laid The Hard Sell on you?
We all know
the queasy feeling
of realizing
that some self appointed controller
(parent, child, partner, teacher,
colleague, friend, date or whoever)
has decided
what’s best for us
and is hellbent
on getting us to do it.
What does this controller want us to do?
Pursue a career
take a job
go to a school
we don’t want.
Choose a partner
make a commitment
permit an intimacy
we don’t want.
Volunteer for an organization
support a candidate
accept a religion
we don’t want.
Give money
give permission
make a purchase
we don’t want.
Controllers always seek
to get us to do
whatever they have decided
we are supposed to do.
Most of us
Most of us have a tough time
saying NO when pressured.
Especially when The Hard Sell
is coming from an authority figure.
Most of us have caved
one time or another
to such pressure
and lived to regret it.
Some of us
have wasted years of our lives
because we didn’t have the guts
or the know how
to say NO.
Controllers are ridiculous
What makes me laugh
is that these pushy know-it-alls
who lay The Hard Sell on us
totally believe
they know us better
than we know ourselves!
Spoiler alert:
They don’t.
So, what do you say
Is it time to make sure
you never again
fold under pressure?
Never again cave
to anyone
laying The Hard Sell on you?
Good.
You don’t have to.
3 Steps to say NO
As I wrote in a recent letter
it only takes three steps
to solve a problem:
Take full responsibility for the problem.
Figure out the root cause.
Take the power away from the root cause.
Let’s take these steps
to solve the problem of
how to say NO to The Hard Sell.
Step One and Two are straight forward.
Step Three has several dimensions.
Step One:
Take full responsibility for the problem
Say to yourself:
No one but me
is responsible
for saying YES
or saying NO
to a controller.
If I cannot say NO
there is only one person
responsible for caving:
me.
Step Two:
Figure out the root cause
You may feel that
the controller is causing the problem
by being so pushy.
But the controller is not
the root cause —
no matter how hard
they lay on the sell.
It is your submission to the controller
that is the root cause of the problem.
By not saying NO to them
you are playing passive victim.
You are surrendering
your autonomy.
You are allowing this person
to have power
over you.
Power over your actions
your fundamental values
your life path.
Step Three:
Take the power away from the root cause
A. Challenge your passive submission
The only power
anyone ever has over you
is the power
you are willing to give them.
Be unwilling.
Be unwilling
to give anyone power over you.
Next time a controller
makes a move on you
grin outwardly
laugh inwardly
and demote them
to powerless
in your own mind.
Say to yourself:
“Amazing!
This know-it-all
actually thinks he/she runs my life!
Sorry to disappoint you, bubbo,
but I am the person
who holds the power
in my life.
Not you.”
B. Stay calm
Be pleasant and respectful
as the controller
lays their dictum on you
of what you are supposed to do.
Let them lay it on
as thick as they wish.
Make no response.
It will drive them nuts.
Your calm state of being shows
they don’t even have the power
to make you mad.
After you have listened respectfully
just quietly state:
“Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me
but I’ve made my decision
and No, I’m not (doing whatever they are pushing.)”
C. Reveal nothing
Now comes
the vital juncture
where you win the battle…
The person laying The Hard Sell on you
will immediately demand
to know WHY you are saying no.
“WHY don’t you want to do this???”
They will go at you
with a tone of accusation.
You may feel compelled
to answer.
You may be sorely tempted
to set this controller straight.
To reason with them
and show them
the error of their ways!
Ah, but this is a trap.
If you tell them why
you are saying NO
you are cooked.
This is exactly what they want from you,
They want to find out your objections.
So they can understand you better?
Ha.
They are not seeking
to gain understanding.
They are seeking
to gain submission.
They only want to know
your objections
so they can demolish them.
They want to goad you
into a debate or discussion.
It’s a setup for an ambush.
You cannot win
a debate or discussion
with a hard seller.
They are as impervious to reason
as the religious fanatic
who goes door to door.
But if they do not know
why you object to their plan for you
they are powerless to provoke you
into a pointless and tasteless battle
in which they will attempt
to wear you down
and get you to submit
—just to shut them up.
By remaining silent
and revealing nothing
you hold the power.
You turn the tables
on them.
You render them helpless
not you.
D. End the discussion
After you have heard enough
look down rather obviously
at your watch.
This signals that you are
on your own schedule
not theirs.
End the discussion
with a bland statement
that is very difficult to counter:
“Well, I have my way of looking at it
and you have yours.
Let’s just leave it at that.”
Said with pleasant
and serene finality.
If they pursue you further,
demanding to know
“What IS your way of looking at it?”
just smile and calmly state:
“I’m not interested in
(this career, this relationship, this religion, this whatever )
but I appreciate you offering it to me.”
Stand up
extend your hand to shake theirs
thank them for their time and thoughts
and head out the door
strong free and immovable.
You have a gift for breaking down problems and offering solutions. Sometimes the controller has a very tight grip. They control you financially, emotionally, and physically, especially children. The controller will constantly change the rules and their expectations to keep the controlled off balance and trying to please someone who cannot be pleased. Controllers are willing to spend half a lifetime refining their methods and eroding the controlled's sense of self and identity so that they have difficulty conceiving of a life outside the controller's sphere. The things that we learn too late.
I think it's most difficult when the controller is a spouse. One doesn't usually shake hands and walk out the door, unless the relationship is over. The controller never admits that they are controlling and always claims that it's in your best interests to do what they want. After all, they "love you and only want what's best for you." Which translates to what's best for them. I suspect that the root of control is fear, and if you dig deeper you'll find many fears and all of them are out of the control of the controller.