You have a gift for breaking down problems and offering solutions. Sometimes the controller has a very tight grip. They control you financially, emotionally, and physically, especially children. The controller will constantly change the rules and their expectations to keep the controlled off balance and trying to please someone who cannot be pleased. Controllers are willing to spend half a lifetime refining their methods and eroding the controlled's sense of self and identity so that they have difficulty conceiving of a life outside the controller's sphere. The things that we learn too late.
Attending church regularly gives one good practice in learning to say no. Maybe it’s aging that does it. In any case, you learn to choose select spots for yes.
I think it's most difficult when the controller is a spouse. One doesn't usually shake hands and walk out the door, unless the relationship is over. The controller never admits that they are controlling and always claims that it's in your best interests to do what they want. After all, they "love you and only want what's best for you." Which translates to what's best for them. I suspect that the root of control is fear, and if you dig deeper you'll find many fears and all of them are out of the control of the controller.
Deborah, I wonder what you would suggest that we do when people break into our home, and burglarize and ransack it? Remain calm??
Because this is what recently happened at my own home, and the police told us that we were targeted because of our philanthropy. And my husband and I are certainly NOT feeling calm!
Great post - very well analyzed
You have a gift for breaking down problems and offering solutions. Sometimes the controller has a very tight grip. They control you financially, emotionally, and physically, especially children. The controller will constantly change the rules and their expectations to keep the controlled off balance and trying to please someone who cannot be pleased. Controllers are willing to spend half a lifetime refining their methods and eroding the controlled's sense of self and identity so that they have difficulty conceiving of a life outside the controller's sphere. The things that we learn too late.
Attending church regularly gives one good practice in learning to say no. Maybe it’s aging that does it. In any case, you learn to choose select spots for yes.
I think it's most difficult when the controller is a spouse. One doesn't usually shake hands and walk out the door, unless the relationship is over. The controller never admits that they are controlling and always claims that it's in your best interests to do what they want. After all, they "love you and only want what's best for you." Which translates to what's best for them. I suspect that the root of control is fear, and if you dig deeper you'll find many fears and all of them are out of the control of the controller.
Deborah, I wonder what you would suggest that we do when people break into our home, and burglarize and ransack it? Remain calm??
Because this is what recently happened at my own home, and the police told us that we were targeted because of our philanthropy. And my husband and I are certainly NOT feeling calm!