Dear friend,
If I offered you a course called Lying 101
what do you think I would teach?
I imagine you’d figure I was going to teach you
how to tell when someone is lying to you.
These days we spend a lot of time online.
We are constantly evaluating — is this statement true?
Is this statement a lie?
So you would probably welcome
some tips on how to tell if someone is lying.
I could do that.
Or, others of you might be wondering:
Huh? Is she going to teach us how to lie???
Hmmm.
Actually, I do think it is a skill everyone needs to possess.
So I could do that, too.
But
what if my course about lying
wasn’t going to teach you a single thing
about either of these questions?
What in the world could it possibly be about???
What else is there to KNOW???
Let’s take a look.
What is the real problem?
Do you suppose that
as a psychologist
I have heard a few lies?
Yes. I sure have.
But the lies we tell others
are not the main problem.
The main problem is
how we handle
the lies coming at us
from within our own mind.
The lies
that support the excuses we make,
the alibis we concoct,
the risks we deny….
all to avoid taking responsibility.
I had one extremely destructive patient
who excused herself completely
of all wrongdoing
on the basis that
she had experienced childhood abuse.
She firmly believed the inner lie
that as a victim
she was utterly innocent
of any and all pain or injury
that she inflicted upon others.
We all accept lies from within
I accepted for years the inner lie
that I could never be a happy person
because of major losses and traumas
as a teenager.
Many people accept the inner lie
that they are going to die young
because their father or mother did.
They are so sure of this lie
they don’t make plans for retirement.
The inner lies we accept
become self fulfilling prophecies.
We believe them
and we act them out.
So what would Lying 101 be about?
If I were going to teach you
a great course about lying
I would make you an expert
at detecting inner lies.
Not so you could
beat yourself over the head
for accepting them.
No —
So you could see
just how absurd
the inner lies really are!
Once you see
how utterly ridiculous
the inner lies are
they begin to die
of their own absurdity.
Sneak preview of my course
So let’s take a look at the trailer…
How do we recognize inner lies?
Inner lies are repetitive.
We hear the same ones over and over.
They have never led
to a good outcome yet.
Always to a bad/lousy/terrible/painful outcome.
An outcome you can foresee.
Ah, but this time will be different!
says the lie.
There’s your tip off:
This time will be different.
No it won’t.
But we choose to believe it will.
We choose to buy the lie.
Here’s a simple lie we buy over and over
It’s an all purpose lie:
“You can handle it.”
Covers darn near everything!
Buying this lie
allows us to go ahead
and do all kinds of self damaging things.
Some of which are extremely dangerous.
Things that could ruin our lives.
Ruin all our efforts toward happiness.
How it works
Do you want to hear
how this simple little lie works?
OK.
You are going about your life…
and find yourself in a situation
where you should say No.
But you are wavering.
This is the moment
when you will hear the inner lie:
“You can handle it.”
“You can still drive
(after three drinks.)
You can handle it.”
“You can try out this drug.
You won’t get hooked.
You can handle it.”
“You can go 75.
There’s no cops around.
You won’t get caught.
You can handle it.”
“You can go to the casino.
You’ll leave when you’re ahead.
You can handle it.”
“You can have that chocolate cookie.
One won’t hurt your diet.
You can handle it.”
“You can go back to her place
on the first date.
You won’t have sex yet.
You can handle it.”
“You don’t need a therapist
just because you feel like
you’d rather be dead.
You can handle it.”
So how do we deal with a lie like this?
Telling ourselves
we won’t make the same mistake again
doesn’t work.
We have already tried that.
More times than we can count.
So, what does work?
What works is to challenge ourselves
If we want to get free of the inner lie
we need to ask ourselves a simple question:
Why am I listening to this lie?
We need to ask it
the same as we would ask
if a lousy song or movie came on:
Why are we listening to this junk?
We’re holding the remote
in our own hand!!!
There’s no law that says
we have to listen!!!
So
when we hear:
“You can have another drink
and still drive!
You can handle it!”
we need to ask ourselves:
Why am I listening to this lie?
Why do I want to suffer?
Why do I want to lose my license?
Why do I want to kill somebody on the road?
Why do I want to die in a crash?
We ask ourselves these questions
in order to wake ourselves up.
In order to face ourselves
with the true consequences
of buying the lie.
Our questions reveal
just how absurd
and ridiculous
the inner lies are.
And how dangerous
and self damaging it is
for us to listen to them
and accept them.
Free at last
Once we see through
the seductive and destructive inner lies
they lose most of their power over us.
Next time you feel tempted
to buy an inner lie
ask yourself some challenging questions
like the ones above.
Yes, I know it isn’t easy.
But by absorbing this letter
you have already taken
the Intro to my course Lying 101.
You have already begun
to build your capacity
to detect inner lies
and to become immune to them.
Blessings,
Dr. Hall
Question:
Can you see how powerful it is to challenge an inner lie?
I admit that I thought you were going to teach us how to lie. How interesting to hear about the lies we tell ourselves. I never believed that I wasn’t entitled to be happy. I made it my goal in life to be happy, the way people choose their profession in life. My only goal in life was to be happy. I made a lot of mistakes searching for love to make me happy, and realized in the end that I am responsible for making my own happiness. I have learned not to hate myself for mistakes I made, but to understand the why and be forgiving. In the end I will die a happy person. Thank you for reminding us to be greatful for the good, and accept the bad times that naturally come with life.
Dr. Hall, I've always believed the most important person NOT to lie to is yourself.