35 Comments
User's avatar
Robert Fenhagen's avatar

Assuming others see as we do us a roadblock to honest communication

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

thank you robert

for putting the core idea

into such clear words

i like your term roadblock

because it invites us

to lift it out of our way

so we CAN

communicate honestly

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

dear bob

just want to welcome you

to our little solutions community

each person here

is very important to me

if i had my way

i would correspond with you all:)

but then there would be

no steam left

to write my letter:)

but i am always right here

listening to your thoughts and insights

and i look forward

to learning from you

Fred Basset's avatar

At this point in my life I have simplified my interactions with others. I generally have minimal contact with people. When I do, I am polite and courteous. The big epiphany came when I realized that I cannot change anyone else. They are what they are. I can change me. I have just started reading Marcus Aurelius and he seems to have gotten the big picture.

Al Bellenchia's avatar

The stoics had many things figured out. The interesting thing to me is that even in those far simpler times, life was very complicated. Unless you worked to simplify it. ✌️

Fred Basset's avatar

The job of emperor was not exactly low stress or secure. Often the retirement plan sucked.

Al Bellenchia's avatar

Truth.

Dave Conant - MO's avatar

It wasn't a bad plan, it just didn't often last long enough to go into effect.

Al Bellenchia's avatar

Another truth!

Dave Conant - MO's avatar

I just finished reading Meditations and found it fascinating as well as relaxing and reassuring. One of those "If you could have dinner with..." things with Marcus would be a very educational experience.

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

yes we cannot open

anyone else to us

but we can lead the way

by opening our self to them

some will respond to us

and some will not

but nobody can shut us down :)

Al Bellenchia's avatar

For me the litmus test is simple:

Are you a person of integrity? Do you treat others well? Are you kind hearted? Do you do as and what you say?

“I can't believe what you say, because I see what you do.” - James Baldwin

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

thank you very much al

these questions are indeed

the vital ones

i ask them

about my self

every morning

Michael Corthell's avatar

Empathy Empathy Empathy

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

thank you michael

for giving us

your beautiful essential contribution

to how we get along

with others

yes

we need to not only LOVE this other person

and see the world through THEIR eyes

as well as our own

we most of all

need to FEEL what they FEEL

BELIEVE

that what they feel

is IMPORTANT

and emotionally CARE

about this precious person's FEELINGS

yes michael

you nailed it

empathy empathy empathy

is ultimately how

we will all relate

soooooo much better

with each other

and build each other

and our country

into a new stage of freedom

Stanley Wotring's avatar

Think of learning as an opportunity!

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

you dear stanley

take up on

every opportunity to learn

that you can find

then you share

all you are/know/see

with all who read you

dude you are livin'

through all you are givin'

and we enjoy you

to the full

Stanley Wotring's avatar

Thanks, coming from you that means so much. I so enjoy doing what I do. My varied life experiences have blessed me with a wealth of different perspectives.

M. Trosino's avatar

So, Doc... Having taken that little personality test you recommended and discovering I'm an "Architect", I see that, at least according to the list of well-known Architects with similar personalities into which I'm supposed to fall, I'm basically an uber-wealthy nouveau riche enigmatic party animal with a Nietzschean philosophical bent, who's into eating healthy food, body building, and reinterpreting Greek classics on giant movie screens with a cast including a character or two which drives the MAGA crowd to distraction for various reasons...

... all while contributing to the military downfall of a couple of 20th century dictators in foreign lands while being profitably engaged in cooking up batches of Blue Sky in a clandestine meth lab and declaring "I am not in danger... I am the danger", which meshes nicely with being an academic arch nemesis to a famous detective while practicing Istari wizardry in my spare time.

Yeah. That pretty much sums me up in a nutshell, I think.

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

if you get

any more fascinating

dear michael

i will be obliged

to pen your biography

whether that is a threat

or a promise

i leave

to your inscrutable wisdom

meanwhile

since you are an architect

equally gifted at building the good

and unbuilding the rotten

i thank you

for carrying on

your splendid endeavours

(o-u-r-s for our beloved canadians)

getting along

with our allies

and getting

long gone

our tormentors

Dave Conant - MO's avatar

I've learned not to start formulating my response to your messages until I've read them through at least once, sometimes more than once. Today was no exception, and I've learned again the value of perspective. One's relationship with the world is founded on self-perception, self-esteem and self-respect, because without those attributes to keep one centered and as stable is anyone can be in the interesting times we inhabit, having any sort of positive relationship with someone else approaches the impossible. Thanks.

I haven't seen Meyers-Briggs in that format before and hadn't done one for a while so that was an interesting exercise. I'm ENTJ-A, and that hasn't changed in a long time although I've learned to occasionally keep my mouth shut and listen to other people because I don't know everything and can sometimes learn from someone else; one such resource is the group that follows your posts including especially you. Thanks again.

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

dear dave

i hear you that

it takes time to digest

one of my letters

it takes me days

to digest the deep responses

people offer me

some of my letters

(like that one on denial)

are enough to bring up

a fur ball

(cat owners will understand

my analogy:)

the beauty of having you

and our other deeply engaged

community members

is i always know

my efforts are not in vain

you read and ponder

and read and ponder again

and then you offer all of us

your own ideas

i really like your thoughts on

the value of perspective:

"one's relationship with the world

is founded on self-perception,

self-esteem and self-respect,

because without those attributes

to keep one centered

and as stable is anyone can be

in the interesting times we inhabit,

having any sort of positive relationship

with someone else

approaches the impossible."

Dave Conant - MO's avatar

Thanks Deborah.

Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

Ah...the lens, the damn lens!

I start getting along by not requiring myself to be "right".

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

how succinct can it get

parsimony is beautiful

you are a man of action

dear bill

you not only know HOW

to clear the runway

you actually CLEAR it

Bill Alstrom (MA/Maine/MA)'s avatar

Some of the smartest and nicest people I know have difficulty with the lens issue. They just can't see why someone doesn't "see" things the same way...why they don't act more "sensibly"...

I suspect we all share that trait to some degree...but some seem to make it a serous avocation.

I really believe that if we tried harder to use another's lens, there could be more peace.

Sounds obvious, doesn't it? But instead we harden our positions and get more angry with predictable results.

Would seem to be a good role for political and faith leaders who really want to unite us. And if they don't, are they fit to lead?

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

that is a great idea bill

expect our leaders

to be fit to lead

by leading us

to look through different lenses

alas the typical political or faith leader

wants their own party

and/or their own faith

to WIN

actually believe

victory for THEIR side

of our great divide

is both possible

and desirable

it is neither

only a servant leader

has the goal

of UNITING us

by finding our common ground

and building on it

Babette Albin's avatar

My policy is a bit cynical:

If my children are respectful to me and my neighbors ignore me l consider it a good day.

Every once in awhile someone says hello and we chat. That makes for an exceptional day.

But generally l do not have high expectations and am seldom disappointed.

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

there is wisdom here

dear babette

what we can do with others

is often modest and limited

yet when moments of grace

are possible

we are grateful and honored

to enter and open them

William Weaver's avatar

💖

Victory Palace Poetry's avatar

OMG, I had to laugh b/c I'm an INFJ as well and luckily married to one (which I understand is very rare).

I used to think we all saw the same world, but now I know that's definitely NOT the case. Social media, narrative engineering, media manipulation...are not helping either. It's the old "divide and conquer" playbook which prevents us from establishing honest connections with others. It breaks us up into "teams": red, blue, democrat, republican, liberal, conservative, black, white, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Coke, Pepsi, etc.

Our overlords are up in their skyboxes looking down at the chaotic mess going on the playing field and they're loving it. They're the ones who are winning and we're getting our butts kicked!

Well, what happened to Team Humanity? The 30,000 ft view? IDK...but I do know we could start acting with more diplomacy and flexibility towards each other if we're going to make any headway in this world.

Dr. Deborah Hall's avatar

dear victory palace poetry

thank you for bringing

your delightful soul

and insights therefrom

to our little neck of the woods

HA indeed!

you and your beloved

a rare pair of INFJ birdies!

all the teams you list

are welcome here

we are getting along

quite famously

partly because

everybody here knows

or can surmise

that i will kick the ass

of anyone

who plays superior

and disrespects

any person here

i like keeping team humanity

close to the ground

yeah on our knees even

so we don't

have as far

to fall

Victory Palace Poetry's avatar

You're so welcome, Dr. Hall. Anytime!

Robert Fenhagen's avatar

You got it!!!

Or shall I say we both did.