Dear friend, Our society places utmost importance on a woman having beauty. We have highly defined standards. Women who meet or exceed these standards are revered. Actresses, singers and models are our beauty icons. Our standards used to be extreme but over time have become more moderate.
Thank you so much. I very much appreciate your advice. I agree with a lot of things you said about how people like us ended up in the situations we did. I’m a big believer in our actions often being driven by a brain that was designed for an organism to excel 10,000 years ago. So many behaviors can be understood through that lens. I’m so happy for you that you have found happiness and that you did so at an age a lot younger than me. I’m 67 but I’m a very youthful 67. People are surprised that I am older than 55. I’ll keep looking and I know by looking inside that’s where I will find my happiness. Take care.
Deborah, I agree that spiritual beauty is what is most important in a woman, or in a man , or in trans gender people too. (Let’s remember that people can be very different, but still very beautiful.)
But my question is how do we know who has spiritual beauty? After all, there are a great many different religions which define what is beautiful, let alone spiritually beautiful, very differently. While Christians believe that Christ is the most spiritually beautiful of all, Muslims believe that the Prophet Mohammed is, while agnostics and atheists don’t know what to believe.
As for me, to me spiritual beauty is to be found in anyone, anywhere, of any age, racial, ethnic, or gender identity, who loves and cares about people, whoever they are, AND who really walks the talk by being there to help and support whoever needs our support. And my greatest wish is that humanity’s cruel inhumanity to humanity and to all species of life would be replaced by love, understanding, and support for all the beings of this troubled world of ours.
Just one question: What if we have tried to deal with our “inner tyrant “ by having psychotherapy and it doesn’t help at all —- or as in my case , the psychotherapist tried to sexually assault me?
So sorry Deborah that you have also experienced this disgusting behaviour from a psychiatrist. Mine tried the same thing with other female patients of his and so he has been kicked out of practice by the CMA. But it is difficult to get past such a terrible experience, and I hope you are doing as well as possible.
Deborah, you are right on the money. It was very easy for me to attract pretty women when I was young. I was never interested in anything but serious relationships….as long as they met by attractiveness criteria. But I’m three times divorced. I’ve refused to pursue another woman until I centered myself on looking for inner beauty. I’m starting to recognize it, and it feels so right. I’m beginning to look forward to my next relationship…but in due time.
Your story is familiar to me. I am now married for the fourth and final time. At least two of the previous relationships were originally driven too much by my being drawn to them physically. It was intoxicating. But they were not good choices for me - based on the lack of desire for a shared lifestyle and in one case for sure, we lacked shared values. LIke honesty.
I was 50 years old when I found the "right one". I was attracted to her "outside", of course. But it was her inside - her approach to others, her generosity of spirit, her attempts to understand why people do what they do - that I really fell for. Her kids liked me, so that got me through the door. And now? The daily conversations! Wow. We discuss EVERYTHING over coffee, over meals, over a glass of wine...I learn so much from her.
I think there is a genetically hardwired drive in most of us to seek the "attractive mate". It was a way for the species to propagate. Early man, that we are trying to evolve from, didn't expect to spend 50+ years sitting by the fire with someone. He just had an urge and that one over there looked like a good baby maker.
But as we both are recognizing now, after the novelty and some of the passion wears off, we best be with someone we really admire - with inside stuff to love.
Just an idea for you. When looking for a partner, you might consider someone you have known for a long time. A friend? That was my solution. Not because I was so smart, but because circumstances brought her to my attention. So lucky I am.
My other thought is, if possible, look at who this person's parents are or were and what kind of relationship she has/had with them. Chances are strong that she will be what you see in them.
Beyond that I think it is also, just luck of the draw. Because sooner or later, we all drop our performances when dating and the real us emerges.
"When a woman is truly loved, it is her spiritual beauty that is loved. To be near a spiritually beautiful woman is to experience serenity and to be blessed by it"
This is such a powerful quote. You can know if a woman is "spiritually beautiful" by being "near" her.
The action of being "near" her could be deliberate - that is being drawn to her by her physical beauty or just happenstance - a ckmbination of factors that enabled physical proximity.
I meant spiritual beauty is not discovered on its own. Nobody appreciates it except by coincidence or physical attraction. So in other words, physical attracion or coincidencw "introduces" spiritual beauty.
I will always appreciate a physically attractive woman, from a distance. The most beautiful women I have ever known would never be on the cover of a magazine but they radiate a self confident, intelligent, and compassionate soul that no amount of cosmetics or implants can achieve. Women are amazing powerful creatures. I once saw a woman in a restaurant. She was nursing an infant, feeding a toddler, talking with her husband, and eating lunch. I thought, that is a powerful being I could never match that. She was beautiful.
I have never been a physically beautiful woman, but someone took a picture of me when I was 50 years old, capturing the moment of showing love. Of all the multitude of pictures taken of me in my life, this is my favorite, and is on my refrigerator so that I can enjoy it every day. It was like capturing my soul, and yes, I think that every single person is beautiful when they are expressing love and tenderness!
Thank you so much. I very much appreciate your advice. I agree with a lot of things you said about how people like us ended up in the situations we did. I’m a big believer in our actions often being driven by a brain that was designed for an organism to excel 10,000 years ago. So many behaviors can be understood through that lens. I’m so happy for you that you have found happiness and that you did so at an age a lot younger than me. I’m 67 but I’m a very youthful 67. People are surprised that I am older than 55. I’ll keep looking and I know by looking inside that’s where I will find my happiness. Take care.
Deborah, I agree that spiritual beauty is what is most important in a woman, or in a man , or in trans gender people too. (Let’s remember that people can be very different, but still very beautiful.)
But my question is how do we know who has spiritual beauty? After all, there are a great many different religions which define what is beautiful, let alone spiritually beautiful, very differently. While Christians believe that Christ is the most spiritually beautiful of all, Muslims believe that the Prophet Mohammed is, while agnostics and atheists don’t know what to believe.
As for me, to me spiritual beauty is to be found in anyone, anywhere, of any age, racial, ethnic, or gender identity, who loves and cares about people, whoever they are, AND who really walks the talk by being there to help and support whoever needs our support. And my greatest wish is that humanity’s cruel inhumanity to humanity and to all species of life would be replaced by love, understanding, and support for all the beings of this troubled world of ours.
Patricia,
Your question is indeed the key question:
How do we know who has spiritual beauty,
since our many different religions
(as well as agnostics and atheists)
define beauty and spiritual beauty very differently?
I believe the answer is found in Matthew 7:20:
"Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them."
And you have declared and clarified the same:
"Spiritual beauty is to be found in anyone,
anywhere, of any age, racial, ethnic, or gender identity,
who loves and cares about people, whoever they are,
AND
who really walks the talk
by being there to help and support
whoever needs our support."
Thank you so much, Patricia,
for laying out this central truth so clearly.
I join you in your greatest wish:
"That humanity’s cruel inhumanity to humanity
and to all species of life
would be replaced by love, understanding, and support
for all the beings of this troubled world of ours."
In my work, I focus on teaching a person
to cease accepting the inhumanity inflicted upon themselves
by the sadistic part of their own mind.
I show them how to recognize and stop accepting
the cruelty coming at them from within
and also to stop deflecting this cruelty outward onto others.
The sadistic part of the mind
is the core source of humanity's inhumanity to itself,
and to others, and to all species of life.
The worst suffering of humanity occurs
when societies are taken over by fanatical individuals
(religious, political and/or economic)
who have surrendered to the sadistic part of their own mind
and thus become the embodiment of evil,
channeling their vicious attacks
upon millions of others on a wide international scale.
These sadistic psychopaths call to the worst side in every person
to join them in their atrocities.
My job as a psychoanalyst is to strengthen
the ego of the individual
to first of all resist and nullify the attacks inflicted upon it
by the sadistic superego within.
Standing up to the inner tyrant strengthens the individual
to become immune to the call of sadistic tyrants in society
and to have the power to join with others
to stand up against them.
Deborah, thank you for your insightful words.
Just one question: What if we have tried to deal with our “inner tyrant “ by having psychotherapy and it doesn’t help at all —- or as in my case , the psychotherapist tried to sexually assault me?
Patricia,
Thank you for your trust
in sharing this.
I'm with you.
It took courage to go
to a psychotherapist
seeking assistance to prevail
in the inner battle.
Instead of assistance
you got attempted sexual assault.
This is outrageous.
The pathological charlatan who did this
to you should lose their license.
Unfortunately sick phonies
are drawn to the field of psychology
like flies to red meat.
Most never devoted themselves
to their own therapy first,
to deal with their own inner tyrant.
No one should go near
another person's mind
without spending years working
on their own.
The main thing now is to demote
this sick impotent phony.
They have no power over beautiful you.
They tried and failed in their assault.
You declare them powerless
to leave the slightest impact upon you.
You are bigger than they will ever be.
You rise in joy and freedom
above their tawdry actions
and leave them in the dust bin of history.
I know you can do this
because I have done this twice.
So sorry Deborah that you have also experienced this disgusting behaviour from a psychiatrist. Mine tried the same thing with other female patients of his and so he has been kicked out of practice by the CMA. But it is difficult to get past such a terrible experience, and I hope you are doing as well as possible.
Sending my warm support to you.
Thank you so much, Patricia, for your kind words and warm support.
This all happened decades ago.
My psychiatrist also was kicked out
by the CMA, after ruining many young lives. The harm to me was real though
his intended target was my husband.
The two times I was referring to were
sexual violence perpetrated upon me
as a teenager. Overcoming all these violations has taken a lot of work.
My happiness since is my reward.
It gives me joy to share insights that have strengthened me through life.
It is heartening that we women
now speak openly about
the sick violations we experience.
You and I could have shared
about this via private emails
but chose not to.
We no longer hide the reality
(and the perpetrators)
as if we are ashamed.
It is the perpetrators of sexual assault
who should be ashamed.
And any bystanders who,
in their passivity, are complicit.
Again, thank you Patricia,
for the warmth of your compassion.
Deborah, you are right on the money. It was very easy for me to attract pretty women when I was young. I was never interested in anything but serious relationships….as long as they met by attractiveness criteria. But I’m three times divorced. I’ve refused to pursue another woman until I centered myself on looking for inner beauty. I’m starting to recognize it, and it feels so right. I’m beginning to look forward to my next relationship…but in due time.
Your story is familiar to me. I am now married for the fourth and final time. At least two of the previous relationships were originally driven too much by my being drawn to them physically. It was intoxicating. But they were not good choices for me - based on the lack of desire for a shared lifestyle and in one case for sure, we lacked shared values. LIke honesty.
I was 50 years old when I found the "right one". I was attracted to her "outside", of course. But it was her inside - her approach to others, her generosity of spirit, her attempts to understand why people do what they do - that I really fell for. Her kids liked me, so that got me through the door. And now? The daily conversations! Wow. We discuss EVERYTHING over coffee, over meals, over a glass of wine...I learn so much from her.
I think there is a genetically hardwired drive in most of us to seek the "attractive mate". It was a way for the species to propagate. Early man, that we are trying to evolve from, didn't expect to spend 50+ years sitting by the fire with someone. He just had an urge and that one over there looked like a good baby maker.
But as we both are recognizing now, after the novelty and some of the passion wears off, we best be with someone we really admire - with inside stuff to love.
Just an idea for you. When looking for a partner, you might consider someone you have known for a long time. A friend? That was my solution. Not because I was so smart, but because circumstances brought her to my attention. So lucky I am.
My other thought is, if possible, look at who this person's parents are or were and what kind of relationship she has/had with them. Chances are strong that she will be what you see in them.
Beyond that I think it is also, just luck of the draw. Because sooner or later, we all drop our performances when dating and the real us emerges.
Good luck Stephen.
Stephen,
Thank you for sharing how you came
to this vital position--
refusing to pursue another woman
until you've centered yourself
on looking for spiritual beauty.
Yes, it takes time to change.
It takes time for those of us
who have come through divorce
to find new vision
and new wisdom to guide us.
Building our own spiritual beauty
is the first priority.
As we build this tender and strong foundation.
we increase our capacity to recognize it in others.
The magic happens
when two spiritually beautiful individuals
find each other.
You are building yourself
toward that time.
Another enjoyable read Deborah.
"When a woman is truly loved, it is her spiritual beauty that is loved. To be near a spiritually beautiful woman is to experience serenity and to be blessed by it"
This is such a powerful quote. You can know if a woman is "spiritually beautiful" by being "near" her.
The action of being "near" her could be deliberate - that is being drawn to her by her physical beauty or just happenstance - a ckmbination of factors that enabled physical proximity.
Spiritual beauty usually needs to be introduced.
Olusegun,
Thank you for deeply receiving my letter.
You understand what I mean by knowing
if a woman is spiritually beautiful
by being near her...
This is the physical power of spiritual beauty.
It is not based in the woman's physical features
but rather in the magnetic and quite palpable quality
of her alive and receptive soul.
Yes you may initially be drawn into the sphere of attraction
by some aspect of her appearance.
But you are kept there by the fascination and magic
of experiencing the sublime.
And, as Stanley points out,
this kind of sublime spiritual beauty is permanent.
Once found, no man in his right mind leaves such a woman.
(If you want to hear the consequence
take a listen to George Strait singing
Nobody In His Right Mind Would've Left Her.)
Your last sentence is intriguing:
"Spiritual beauty usually needs to be introduced."
I would be grateful if you would share more
on what you mean.
I meant spiritual beauty is not discovered on its own. Nobody appreciates it except by coincidence or physical attraction. So in other words, physical attracion or coincidencw "introduces" spiritual beauty.
Thank you for explaining, Olusegun.
Now I see...
How fascinating...
Spiritual beauty is invisible!
It must be discovered!!!
By whom?
Well, those attuned only to the surfaces of others
cannot and will not find it.
Only other spiritual beings
are CAPABLE of recognizing/discovering it.
Those fortunate ones are "introduced" to it
by physical attraction or coincidence,
then become aware
that they are having the sublime experience
of being near spiritual beauty.
Physical beauty is transitory whereas spiritual beauty is permanent. Spiritual beauty can mature over time like a fine bottle of wine.
Ah, Stanley.
Again you see to the vital essence!
And you give it to us:
spiritual beauty is permanent.
How reassuring that is!
It means our spiritual beauty never leaves us.
Even if an unhappy man decides to do so.
We cannot make an unhappy man happy
no matter how spiritually beautiful we may be.
We cannot save him from himself.
But if he leaves us to find another woman
who he thinks--this time!-- will save him
he does not take our beauty from us
when he goes.
I will always appreciate a physically attractive woman, from a distance. The most beautiful women I have ever known would never be on the cover of a magazine but they radiate a self confident, intelligent, and compassionate soul that no amount of cosmetics or implants can achieve. Women are amazing powerful creatures. I once saw a woman in a restaurant. She was nursing an infant, feeding a toddler, talking with her husband, and eating lunch. I thought, that is a powerful being I could never match that. She was beautiful.
Fred,
That was me you saw that day in that restaurant.
God how I loved holding my two babies!
God how I loved my baby bearing
and baby nursing years!
I'd have more right now if I could.
But, no that wasn't me--
we never ate in restaurants back then.
I cooked from scratch
and loved that, too.
Fred, it is deeply moving to me
that you recognize
the lovely powerful creature
that we women are.
Thank you so much for that.
And allow me to say
that is how I feel about you men.
I love you men
for your strong devoted work
and your loving courage and protection.
You too are amazing powerful creatures---
so different from me, and so needed.
Some things are hard wired for a reason. Attempts to rewire don't work very well.
Beautifully put, Fred.
Thank you.
These days,
now that politics has taken over science,
any therapist who dares say what you said
and--even with great love for all--explain why
will lose their license.
When I was younger I did not separate beauty from character. Now they are inseparable.
Also as I've grown older I admire the beauty of older women far more than the beauty of younger women.
David,
Thank you for sharing your great insight about beauty:
the central importance of character!
Now that I have thought about this,
if I would rewrite my letter
I would assert that high character
is an essential and inseparable dimension of spiritual beauty.
I can attest to the truth of your insight.
When I fell in love with my husband
it was his character I fell in love with.
Thank God, because that remains the core
of why I am still so happy with him
as we approach our 10th Anniversary.
I have never been a physically beautiful woman, but someone took a picture of me when I was 50 years old, capturing the moment of showing love. Of all the multitude of pictures taken of me in my life, this is my favorite, and is on my refrigerator so that I can enjoy it every day. It was like capturing my soul, and yes, I think that every single person is beautiful when they are expressing love and tenderness!
Joanne,
Thank you so much
for your insightful response to my letter.
You have taken the whole topic of beauty
to a deeper level.
I hear the wisdom in your breath taking words:
"Every single person is beautiful
when they are expressing love and tenderness!"
How wonderful, Joanne,
that you have that photo of your soul
"capturing the moment of showing love"
right there with you every day,
lighting the way.
One lesson I’ve learned from a beautifully soulful person is the richness of learning to look at the half full part of the “glass “
Steven,
Wonderful that there is a beautifully soulful person
(what a great description)
you have learned from.
Thank you for sharing with us the lovely lesson:
that we receive rich gifts from every person
when we look at the half full part of them.
Indeed, it is evident from all your previous responses
that looking at people that way
is your way of life, Steven.
You see the best in each person
and you offer your best to them.
I think the hardest thing
is when our best is not received.
But receiving
is not a condition for our giving.
We love the best in them either way!
Thus the empty part of their glass
has no power over us.
Well put, as always. You have a most insightful way with words.
Thank you saying that, Steven.
You are a very encouraging man.
The words I write are not poems
but I take as much care choosing them
as if they were.