Where can a man find a woman to love?
Dear friend,
If you read that as:
Where can a man find a female to have sex with?
that’s not what I mean.
There are a gazillion articles on the internet
on how to do that. Tonight!
There are another gazillion
on how to find a female to hook up with.
Use her awhile for sex without love
then move on to use the next one.
I have no intention of assisting you
to take either path.
Either path can ruin you.
Ruin your potential for real love and real sex.
Besides, you already know the answer!
Go to the bar.
But…
find a woman to love?
That’s a totally different matter.
Is that what you want to do?
Actually LOVE a woman?
If it is
I am happy to offer you some ideas.
Young love, first love
I was blessed to fall in love when I was fourteen.
It was the making of me.
It happened just in time,
before I took major losses.
The love this boy and I shared
developed my soul.
It served to protect me
from some of the impact
of the losses to come.
I will always be grateful to him for it.
We were in love for three years.
It was a tender, innocent love.
Just kissing, holding hands,
and sharing everything in our hearts.
We lived far apart
but spent our summers at a beautiful lake
and wrote letters to each other all winter.
I still have every one he wrote me.
We planned to marry.
Though this did not happen,
those three years allowed me
to survive the next ten.
And even now
my tender first love experience
continues to renew my innocence.
I believe experiencing genuine love
early in life
is an incredible gift.
You will always know the real thing!
And be able to rebuild it, if it gets lost.
They used to sing about this kind of love
back in the 50’s.
It’s still the real kind.
Here is Sonny James in 1956 singing Young Love
So, what is real love?
As the song says, real love
is filled with true devotion
and shared with deep emotion.
The person you love is
cherished for who they are.
You know who this unique person is.
You share their dream
and they share yours.
To love someone is
to want them to have their dream
and to tenderly support
their efforts to reach it.
If you are seeking to find a heart of gold
you must first become a heart of gold.
A heart of gold is giving and tender
and wants their beloved
to have their deepest joy.
So how do I find such a person?
Someone who is trustworthy…
who will cherish and value me
not use me… ?
Someone who will stand by me
through joy and sorrow… ?
You search for a person who is able to love.
You will know that they are able to love
because they are already loving!
What!? you say —
If they are already loving
why would they need me!?!?
Hang on…
I don’t mean they are already in a relationship.
I mean they are already loving on other levels.
Look for a builder
A builder is a person
who is loving on many levels.
A woman who is a builder
is already tenderly loving
her mother, father,
sisters and brothers and friends.
And children, if she has any.
She is already filled with deep devotion to others.
She is making a loving contribution
in her family, in her community,
in her school,
in her church, synagogue or mosque,
in her music, art or dance,
in her work.
She is serving others.
Her loving actions demonstrate
that she is capable of loving.
And she may be searching,
just like you are,
for a person to cherish.
So —
Where can I find such a person–
a tender builder I can build with?
Places you will find a heart of gold
There are many places
where you can find a heart of gold.
Here are some of them:
Teaching in a grade school, secondary school,
community college, night school or university
Coaching kids’ athletic teams
Mentoring kids with special needs
Tutoring children in reading, math, music, art
Teaching children to dance
Creating learning activities for children in a museum
Teaching Sunday School
Working or volunteering in a
daycare
health clinic
hospice
community food bank
seniors home
homeless shelter
pet shelter
fire department
first responder unit
disaster relief team
wildlife rescue unit
environmental protection organization
Contributing to any of these endeavors
takes a great deal of love and devotion.
Ask yourself:
Who are the tender builders in my community?
Go ahead and add more kinds of builders to this list.
Make it your own.
But who is for me?
Not every kind of builder is for you.
Ask yourself:
Which area—which kind of builder–am I drawn to?
Who do I most admire and respect?
Which kind of builder would I feel deeply proud
to have as my beloved
and contribute to her success?
Then learn more about
what those builders do
and why they do it.
What is their purpose?
What are their ideals?
Find where these builders gather.
What community events do they hold
that you could go to?
Find an event in your local paper
and make plans to go.
Prepare some thoughtful questions
you can ask when you get a chance
to talk with a woman who interests you.
For example:
“What do you love most about doing this work?”
“How did you get started in it?”
“Does this work relate to something you want to do in the future?”
Have your own thoughts in mind to share
about why the work this woman loves doing
is meaningful to you.
What is your connection with it?
Then get yourself looking your best
and go to their community event.
As you participate in the event
look around!
Observe the women in their work.
Especially become aware of
how they talk with people.
Notice those who are warm and kind.
Those who express themselves
with loving words and actions.
Does one of these women
kinda fascinate you?
If you find yourself drawn to a nice woman
you would like to talk with,
look at her left hand.
If there’s no ring on her ring finger
be brave.
Just head on over, smile and say hello.
Then go ahead and ask her one of your questions!
Actually talk with this person!
Listen well to what she says.
Then respond with interest
in a thoughtful and genuine way
and ask her another question.
Love is built
Love doesn’t fall from the sky, dude!
Love is BUILT.
Give this woman a chance
to show you she has a heart of gold.
And give yourself a chance to show her
you have a heart of gold, too.
Tell her what you love and care about.
Tell her some of the constructive things you do
to contribute to others.
See if she responds positively
and shows genuine interest
in what you are sharing about yourself.
And if you think she kinda likes you…
and that there’s a halfway decent chance
she just may be hoping
you’ll ask her for her phone number…
pull out a piece of paper,
write your phone number down
with your full name in front of it
smile gently as you hand it to her
and say:
“Maybe we could talk some more
some time over coffee.”
Yes, dude, it takes guts
to find a genuine person to love.
But this woman will be thrilled to have the chance.
Let me tell you a real story.
Jan. 12, 1968, I was playing music in a club in Perth, Australia. At 8:45 PM we finished the first set and as I was walking off the stage, I turned to my right and saw a group of Asian young ladies sitting at a corner table. One of them caught my eye and I went over and talked to her. We spent the rest of the year together, then her education visa expired and my 5 yr. commitment expired. She went back to Thailand and I went back to the US. I was supposed to go to Thailand where we would be married but I never had enough money to do that and we drifted apart. Over the years I tried to find her but without success. Then in July of 2012 I received a friend request on Facebook from a young beautiful Thai woman asking if I would be her friend. I thought, why would a young beautiful Thai woman want to friend me. Then I noticed that she was the pianist with the Royal Bangkok Symphony Orch., and I thought she must be interested in the music that I play. I emailed back that I would be her friend if she would look for a person that I used to know and I told her the woman's family name, father's occupation and social status and said, I don't expect you to find her but if you'd look I'd appreciate it. An hour later she emailed back and said, "Oh, you know my mother Angelie." I sat and cried for half-an-hour. In July of 2013, she came to the US, we married and in Aug. moved to Thailand. 11 yrs. later I still have tears in my eyes as I type this.
Wow. Such a remarkable poignant essay. And so needed.