Which friend will love you till the end?
Dear friend,
We all need real friends.
We know we are
in deep trouble
if we have none.
But we may be
in even worse trouble
if we think
we have real friends
only to find out
– when the chips are down –
that we don’t.
So let us
ask ourselves:
Which of my friends
will love me to the end?
If you are young
you may be assuming
the end
is so far in the future
that you
don’t need to know.
Yeah,
that’s what we all think.
But cancer, sepsis,
and many other conditions
can take us out
at any age.
So if one day
you find yourself
in dire straits
who is going
to be with you?
Friends have limits
Even our close friends
may have limits
when it comes to
facing mortality.
Their own mortality
or anyone else’s.
Some people
are simply incapable
of looking
death in the face.
Some people
can love you
only till it gets
too painful for them.
So ask yourself now
Well ahead of time
If I were to become
seriously ill
who would stand by me
and never abandon me?
You need to know.
It is hard enough to die
without dying alone.
Being there
A few years ago
I held the hands
of a very close friend
in his last hours
as he was dying.
I saw how much
that meant to him.
I saw how much
it comforted him
to be held close
by a person he loved
and who loved him.
I was deeply willing
to be there with him.
I ran to his door
that day.
Holding him
I felt I was
right where I belonged.
I saw how calm
it made him.
I spoke gently
to him.
I thanked him
for all the love
he had given us.
I told him
again and again
”We love you.”
My presence
reassured him.
He could feel
that I wasn’t scared.
That helped him
not to be scared.
Face to face
In the days
that followed
his death
I looked back
and asked myself:
Why was I
able to be there.
Why did it feel
natural and right
to be with a man
as he died.
I realized
that I have been
face to face
with mortality
for a long time.
As a psychologist
working in cancer wards
and high security
forensic units
I experienced
a lot of death
up close
and personal.
It was
a baptism of fire.
I learned not to run
from a person
who is dying.
I learned not to run
from a person
who is on the verge
of killing themselves.
Instead
I move in closer.
Some will run
You need to be prepared
and realize
that some people
—maybe most people—
will run
when you are
in deep trouble.
To your shock and sorrow
you may find
that even some of those
who love you dearly
will simply be unable
to be there with you.
They cannot face
that you are
grievously wounded
or dying.
They thought
you were indestructible.
You will be fortunate
You will be fortunate
my friend
if even one person
actually wants
to be there with you
when you are
knocked flat.
When you have been hit
by a serious medical
or emotional condition
or some other
major loss
or trauma.
When the world
has fallen down
on your head
on your body
or both.
How do you know who to trust?
Pay attention.
Observe how
each person
in your life
—your partner
friends
family members—
treats other persons
when they are in distress.
Do they
spend time
with friends and family
when they are sick?
Do they go see them
when they are in hospital?
If you tell them
you are having tests
X rays, biopsy, blood analysis
do they show
real interest
in your health
or do they
change the subject?
Do they grieve
and comfort others
when someone
in their circle dies?
If you share
an emotional
or physical pain
you are having
do they listen deeply
to you
and give you support?
Or do they
just self reference
and tell you
about their pain?
Do they avoid contact
with people
who are suffering
as if they think
a person’s misery
is contagious?
So, let’s figure it out
Now that you have
thought it over
it’s time
to ask yourself:
Who IS it?
Which of my people
has the loyalty
compassion
and guts
to stand by me
and love me
to the end?
You probably already know
You have probably
already realized
who it is.
But alas
we have to face
that it’s possible
this person
may die before you.
So it is best
to have
a few other souls
in mind as well.
A brief inventory
Let’s go through
a brief process
to confirm
your first choice
and also
to see
who else
would be most likely
to be there
for you
when you need them.
Step one:
Write down the names
of all persons
who love you deeply
(partner/friends/family)
especially those
you spend time with
in person.
Not just on the phone
or texting.
People you look forward
to seeing
face to face.
Step Two:
Now imagine
your doctor
has just told you
you have terminal cancer
and have only
six months to live.
Look at
your list of people.
Underline only those
you would
actually sit down with
and tell face to face
(or in a zoom call)
what the doctor told you.
These are the persons
most likely
to stand by you.
You already
trust them enough
to let them in.
Step Three:
Now, looking at the names
you just underlined
find the ONE person
you are absolutely certain
would be there
with you
holding your hand
through the worst.
The one you know
would want to be there
with you
when you are afraid
when you are crying
when you are suffering
when you are dying.
The one you would
most want
to be there.
Circle that person
and put a beautiful star
by them.
THIS is your friend
who will love you
to the end.
Just one more question
to ask yourself…
What if this person
or another soul
on my list
needs me…
What if they
get struck down
by illness
or other disaster…
Will I be there
for them?
Will I be able
to love my friends
to the end?
It’s a capacity we grow
Each one of us
gradually
grows the capacity
to be
a human being
who does not
desert others.
We aren’t born with it.
And we may not
be taught.
We may learn
by painful trial
and failure.
But the best way
to grow the capacity
to stand by others
is to grow the capacity
to stand by ourselves.
We grow it
by becoming
our own best friend.
Becoming the friend
we can always count on.
In good times
and in bad.
The friend
who is there for us
all along the way.
Every time
we are struck down
by pain
fear
illness
loss
and tragedy
we are the friend
who loves us
through the worst pain
we face.
Loving ourselves
with strength
compassion
and tenacity
is how we become
a person
who can always
be counted on.
A person who can
be trusted
never to run.
We prevent
the pain
of abandonment
by being
courageous
and standing by
ourselves and our friends
to the end.
As Mark Knopfler sings
in his beautiful elegy
you did not desert me
my brothers in arms
My apologies, I sometimes make long comments. I have decades-long dear friends who, if I became ill, live too far away now to be with me for more than occasional visits. I have geographically closer friends, too, but not like my friends who don't live nearby anymore. I don't think making a list of the friends who you think would stand by you is an exercise I would do. I'm not much for categorizing or measuring friends or relatives in that way.
These verses from Jackson Browne's song "For a Dancer" are about where I'm at in these things:
>Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own
No matter how close to yours
Another's steps have grown
In the end, there is one dance you'll do alone
>Keep a fire for the human race
Let your prayers go drifting into space
You never know what will be coming down
>Perhaps a better world is drawing near
Just as easily it could all disappear
Along with whatever meaning you might have found
Don't let the uncertainty turn you around (the world keeps turning around and around)
Go on and make a joyful sound
Beautiful. Lots to think about here.