Dear friend, I realize this question may be painful for some of us. We may be thinking…best friend? I don’t have any friends, let alone a best one. If this is the case we are better off to face it than to think we have lots of friends– only to find out they’re not
Thank you so much for your kind words, and for being there for us with your wonderful probing questions and insight. As far as sciatic nerve pain goes, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!
But seriously, this letter is excellent advice. In fact, without ourselves as best friends, we'll always be disappointed in others.
I have a friend whose best friend goes back to grammar school. When we are all together the friend will say things that sound odd to me but my friend understands her and laughs. It's a sort of code. They are fortunate, indeed. I don't have many friends from "back in the day". It's not that I don't think of them fondly. But we have all evolved - in varying directions - so much so that the old days commonalities don't apply.
And in the case of two couples that we were formerly very close to, politics have poisoned my feelings. I prefer to remember them the way they were before they were captured by the Orange Menace. I am also afraid to learn that deep within them, there are ideas that attracted them to a bully. And so I will remember the "good old days" when we talked about all manner of stuff. We loved them. I can still love the memories.
Circling back to the premise of your "best friend" letter, I am reminded of what is attributed to Lao Tzu:
"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power."
And at some point in his "Tao Te Ching" he asks: "How do I know these things? I look inside myself."
On an even deeper level, this idea is both wonderful and terrifying. My first reaction was absolutely! I like my best buddy. But what if somebody really doesn't? What if when someone looks inside and finds the "best friend" really upsetting. If that person is motivated to grow, I am smiling. If not, we may be unearthing what ails millions of people. That thing that allows or even encourages someone to do hateful, awful destructive things. Yikes.
Last night we watched a new release on Netflix. Adam Sandler's "Spaceman". I am not recommending it...unless you enjoy "out there humor". Spoiler alert: Ironically, the spaceman has to travel millions of miles to achieve introspection. A corny, obvious but essentially beautiful message.
Brilliant Deborah. I knew this answer before I even read your article and your exposition of the who, and especially the why was outstanding. I'm sharing it with my daughter because it's an ongoing conversation that the two of us are having and will hopefully help her understand why being one's own best friend isn't selfish but is, rather, the essential foundation of friendship and love for anyone else. It's a great way to start a family oriented weekend. Thanks.
Thanks Deborah. This is exactly what I'm trying to help Josephine understand and you state it so clearly that, if it's OK with you,I'd like to forward your response to her. I think that sometimes hearing things from a 3rd party makes it easier to accept and understand.
Hi, Doc. What's that old saying...keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Hard to get much closer than *yourself*, so I guess I'm good on at least that score.
See? I told you I'd show up here eventually. Don't remember if I said I'd be bringing a dose of my irreverence with me or not, but I figured I'd better pop off at least a little the first time. Just so you'd know it's really me and not an M. Trosino bot. These days you just can't be too careful.
I married my best friend. I absolutely suck at being a friend to myself. There is no way I would tolerate the treatment I give myself from another person. Such a hypercritical derogatory jerk would not be part of my life for long.
The ancient greek philosophers would say that studying philosophy is how we learn to become friends with ourselves. It requires a lot of work and introspection, but it is a lovely fight.
Boy, have you ever touched a nerve. I’ve been dumped by more so called best friends than I care to remember! I always thought that as a woman your best friend should be another woman. Now after recently being dumped by 2 really good friends, I realize that the only really best friend I could count on was my husband who stuck with me and loved me for over 60 years, my very longest relationship. No, he wasn’t always supportive of me, but I see now that he was the closest thing to a best friend that I ever had. Now I’m blessed with having many new friends who say they love me, but from past experiences my trust in words has diminished. I tell them not to use these words unless you mean them. I’ve even acquired a daughter of the heart who not only swears her undying love, but shows it in many ways too. I still have that speck of doubt. Maybe it was parents giving me examples of how unworthy I was of being loved, and even the rejection of our own daughter that feeds these doubts of being worthy of love. You are so right about you having to be your own best friend. I discovered that on a trip to Europe by myself when I was only 20. Sadly, I had forgotten about that over the years. Thank you for reminding me 🤗🥰. I’m going through some challenging times now with sciatic nerve pain issues, and have wanted to give up many times. Some friends have let me down with the support I need. Expectations almost always lead to disappointment. I’m going to call on myself to be there for me, and to give me what I need, even if it’s just a hug! Thank you once again dear Dr Hall. I don’t know how I found you, but you are such a blessing in the winter of my life
Yes, changing ourselves is the only person we can change, and it's a lifelong project.
My best friend died a couple of years ago. We knew each other for 66 yrs. Lived together, played music together, could tell each other anything and criticize when necessary. My favortite quote of his is when someone asked him if he got bored practicing trumpet all day? He replied, "I'm far too intereresting a person to ever get bored." I miss him greatly.
David Hayward; Trumpet player, artist, poet, writer of aphorisms, astrologer, husband, father.
We were in bands on the road together. When I returned from the army in 1959, I lived David and his wife for several months. And again when I returned from living in Europe and Australia. I'd been back about 3 days when he got a call to play for a ballet company going on the road for 6 weeks. David asked the band leader if they needed a drummer, he said yes, and in 2 days I was working. When I was in high school, I played weekends with a wedding/Bar Mitzvah band. One week end I was double booked, and I sent David, who also played drums, in my place. The leader called me to make sure that David was Jewish. I assured that he was. He wasn't. The day after the gig the leader called me and asked. "Are you sure he's Jewish?" I, once again, assured him. David was a blond, died-in-the wool WASP. Other stories are best left untold.
In the early days those exploits were drug and alcohol fueld, so you many want to rethink that desire. Then there were the sexploits that you may have not wanted to join in. David became an alcoholic and one day his normal placid wife, who never swore or raised her voice, shouted at him, "You're nothing but a fucking drunk." The next day he joined AA and never again took a drink or smoked weed, or swallowed pills and remained sober and married for the next 52 yrs. until his death. I sometimes hear his voice when I do something dumb or mess up musiically.
I appreciate the sentiment and David would never have listened to, let along sing a Cat Steven's song. More likely, Sonny Rollin's, Sunnymoon For Two, or a standard from the Great American Songbook.
You were so blessed to have had such a friend. I never really did, if you don’t count dogs! Now at this stage, after so many disappointments, it’s hard to know if you have a really good friend, until you are dropped!
Thank you so much for your kind words, and for being there for us with your wonderful probing questions and insight. As far as sciatic nerve pain goes, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!
O Joanne, I am so sorry you are in pain
especially on Easter.
It brings tears to me that you are suffering.
It is too hard to be in pain and to be alone.
I am so glad you show up here and share your heart!
As they used to sing on Cheers:
"You wanna be where everybody knows your name."
This ain't no bar, but I reckon everybody knows yours and mine by now :)
I send you a warm hug!
Oh no! Not more introspection! /s
But seriously, this letter is excellent advice. In fact, without ourselves as best friends, we'll always be disappointed in others.
I have a friend whose best friend goes back to grammar school. When we are all together the friend will say things that sound odd to me but my friend understands her and laughs. It's a sort of code. They are fortunate, indeed. I don't have many friends from "back in the day". It's not that I don't think of them fondly. But we have all evolved - in varying directions - so much so that the old days commonalities don't apply.
And in the case of two couples that we were formerly very close to, politics have poisoned my feelings. I prefer to remember them the way they were before they were captured by the Orange Menace. I am also afraid to learn that deep within them, there are ideas that attracted them to a bully. And so I will remember the "good old days" when we talked about all manner of stuff. We loved them. I can still love the memories.
Circling back to the premise of your "best friend" letter, I am reminded of what is attributed to Lao Tzu:
"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power."
And at some point in his "Tao Te Ching" he asks: "How do I know these things? I look inside myself."
On an even deeper level, this idea is both wonderful and terrifying. My first reaction was absolutely! I like my best buddy. But what if somebody really doesn't? What if when someone looks inside and finds the "best friend" really upsetting. If that person is motivated to grow, I am smiling. If not, we may be unearthing what ails millions of people. That thing that allows or even encourages someone to do hateful, awful destructive things. Yikes.
Last night we watched a new release on Netflix. Adam Sandler's "Spaceman". I am not recommending it...unless you enjoy "out there humor". Spoiler alert: Ironically, the spaceman has to travel millions of miles to achieve introspection. A corny, obvious but essentially beautiful message.
Beautiful, just like your letter.
Thanks (again) Dr. Hall!
Bill,
Thank you for your deep and thoughtful response to my letter.
I have read it several times as there is
so much in it of vital importance.
We could talk for a couple hours, easy,
about the questions you raise about the insides of people.
I have spent my life studying these insides
and have an original theory on the nature of malignancy.
I plan to put forward my ideas in a book addressing
what is "that thing that allows or even encourages someone
to do hateful, awful destructive things." Yikes indeed!
But in my letters I think it's time for me to lighten up a tad :)
Well...Joyce Vance has chickens, HCR has sunrises and sunsets. I am working on a "puppy post". Because...wait for it..."Dog is my co-pilot."
hahahahaha Dog is my co-pilot
that kills me
Bill,
Just finished writing my letter for this week.
Did I "lighten up a tad" as I had intended?
I have a feeling you know the answer.
Couldn't keep it short, either.
But I wrote it with all the love in my soul.
I hope you will find it meaningful.
Brilliant Deborah. I knew this answer before I even read your article and your exposition of the who, and especially the why was outstanding. I'm sharing it with my daughter because it's an ongoing conversation that the two of us are having and will hopefully help her understand why being one's own best friend isn't selfish but is, rather, the essential foundation of friendship and love for anyone else. It's a great way to start a family oriented weekend. Thanks.
Dave,
I love it that you already knew the answer!
You already knew who you need
to be your own best friend.
And I'm so glad you liked
my "exposition of the who and especially the why."
That's always the challenge for me: how best to offer an idea.
I have no end of ideas--
I just pray my powers of realization
will be equal to my inspiration :)
About your daughter--
as I was writing that letter, I thought:
someone is going to feel
that being one's own best friend is selfish.
So I had my answer ready:
No, it's not selfish at all.
In fact, God commanded it.
Matthew 22:37-39 King James Bible:
Jesus said unto him,
"Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart,
and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it,
Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."
So let's think logically about what He has commanded us to do...
How can a person love their neighbour greatly
if they do not love themselves greatly?
"As thyself" shows that God WANTS you
to you love yourself quite a bit!
This is healthy love--love of yourself AND love of your neighbor.
It is quite the opposite of narcissism.
A narcissist is a selfish self centered bully
intent on putting on a big show of self importance.
He constantly struts and preens,
but there is no real self LOVE in him.
He is INCAPABLE of real love.
He is an empty shell
who greatly fears being exposed as an impotent weakling.
His greatest fear is the humiliation of having his actual weakness exposed.
He is not focused for a moment on real loving and real giving.
He has no idea what that means
and doesn't care to learn.
So, not to worry.
It is not one bit selfish to be your own best friend.
When you actually LOVE and BEFRIEND yourself
you are being GENEROUS, not selfish.
Thanks Deborah. This is exactly what I'm trying to help Josephine understand and you state it so clearly that, if it's OK with you,I'd like to forward your response to her. I think that sometimes hearing things from a 3rd party makes it easier to accept and understand.
Dave,
I would be delighted if you would forward it to Joseohine.
edit: Josephine
Thanks.
Well said Dave. Enjoy the family. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
Thanks Bill. I'm lucky to have her too.
Hi, Doc. What's that old saying...keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Hard to get much closer than *yourself*, so I guess I'm good on at least that score.
See? I told you I'd show up here eventually. Don't remember if I said I'd be bringing a dose of my irreverence with me or not, but I figured I'd better pop off at least a little the first time. Just so you'd know it's really me and not an M. Trosino bot. These days you just can't be too careful.
What a fine opening salvo, M. Trosino.
Don't worry, I know it's you.
I'd know your hide in a tan yard.
Welcome to the party.
Let the wild rumpus start!
as Sendak said in his book Where The Wild Things Are.
As a reviewer declared:
"In his fearless exploration of childhood emotion,
Sendak also introduced Freud into the mix.
In Where the Wild Things Are,
the forest of fairy tales
becomes a persuasive metaphor
for the dreaming unconscious,
the place where demons can be faced down
and life's balance ultimately restored."
I married my best friend. I absolutely suck at being a friend to myself. There is no way I would tolerate the treatment I give myself from another person. Such a hypercritical derogatory jerk would not be part of my life for long.
Fred,
That was priceless!!!
This place wouldn't be ANY place
without you.
You and my buddy M. Trosino above
are gonna be the life of the party
for this doc
who waxes too serious
The ancient greek philosophers would say that studying philosophy is how we learn to become friends with ourselves. It requires a lot of work and introspection, but it is a lovely fight.
And one well worth fighting.
Ah, the lovely fight!
No fight I relish more, Sam.
Thank you for bringing your studies
of the ancient greek philosophers to us,
here and in your substack writings on What then?
We shall gather our best resources
and see how their insights strengthen us
in different but harmonious ways.
How you treat yourself shows others how you expect to be treated!
Now THAT, Stanley, is psychological wisdom and truth!
Whoa.
Indeed, treating ourselves well says:
"THIS is what YOU will do. Period."
Treating ourselves badly says:
"Go ahead--walk all over my sorry ass."
Boy, have you ever touched a nerve. I’ve been dumped by more so called best friends than I care to remember! I always thought that as a woman your best friend should be another woman. Now after recently being dumped by 2 really good friends, I realize that the only really best friend I could count on was my husband who stuck with me and loved me for over 60 years, my very longest relationship. No, he wasn’t always supportive of me, but I see now that he was the closest thing to a best friend that I ever had. Now I’m blessed with having many new friends who say they love me, but from past experiences my trust in words has diminished. I tell them not to use these words unless you mean them. I’ve even acquired a daughter of the heart who not only swears her undying love, but shows it in many ways too. I still have that speck of doubt. Maybe it was parents giving me examples of how unworthy I was of being loved, and even the rejection of our own daughter that feeds these doubts of being worthy of love. You are so right about you having to be your own best friend. I discovered that on a trip to Europe by myself when I was only 20. Sadly, I had forgotten about that over the years. Thank you for reminding me 🤗🥰. I’m going through some challenging times now with sciatic nerve pain issues, and have wanted to give up many times. Some friends have let me down with the support I need. Expectations almost always lead to disappointment. I’m going to call on myself to be there for me, and to give me what I need, even if it’s just a hug! Thank you once again dear Dr Hall. I don’t know how I found you, but you are such a blessing in the winter of my life
Dear Joanne,
You are a blessing to me, too.
It gives me great joy that you have recalled your discovery!
And have decided to call on yourself
to be there for you
and to give you what you need.
But I am so sorry you are in pain.
I wish you courage in dealing with it
and in overcoming it
to the fullest extent possible.
Yes, changing ourselves is the only person we can change, and it's a lifelong project.
My best friend died a couple of years ago. We knew each other for 66 yrs. Lived together, played music together, could tell each other anything and criticize when necessary. My favortite quote of his is when someone asked him if he got bored practicing trumpet all day? He replied, "I'm far too intereresting a person to ever get bored." I miss him greatly.
It sure is a lifelong project, Herr, to change ourselves.
It sounds funny, but it's the work I love most.
It's where my insight develops.
I am sad thinking of your huge loss
when you lost your lifelong friend.
I bet he WAS too fascinating a man to ever get bored!
And I bet you two made some mighty fine music.
Do tell me more about your adventures!
What was his name?
David Hayward; Trumpet player, artist, poet, writer of aphorisms, astrologer, husband, father.
We were in bands on the road together. When I returned from the army in 1959, I lived David and his wife for several months. And again when I returned from living in Europe and Australia. I'd been back about 3 days when he got a call to play for a ballet company going on the road for 6 weeks. David asked the band leader if they needed a drummer, he said yes, and in 2 days I was working. When I was in high school, I played weekends with a wedding/Bar Mitzvah band. One week end I was double booked, and I sent David, who also played drums, in my place. The leader called me to make sure that David was Jewish. I assured that he was. He wasn't. The day after the gig the leader called me and asked. "Are you sure he's Jewish?" I, once again, assured him. David was a blond, died-in-the wool WASP. Other stories are best left untold.
Have mercy, Herr, I am laughing so hard!!!!!
"Are you sure he's Jewish?"
hahahahaha
that KILLS me
o the untold tales
of David Hayward and Herr Forkenspoon...
How I would have loved
to have joined you
in some of your exploits
In the early days those exploits were drug and alcohol fueld, so you many want to rethink that desire. Then there were the sexploits that you may have not wanted to join in. David became an alcoholic and one day his normal placid wife, who never swore or raised her voice, shouted at him, "You're nothing but a fucking drunk." The next day he joined AA and never again took a drink or smoked weed, or swallowed pills and remained sober and married for the next 52 yrs. until his death. I sometimes hear his voice when I do something dumb or mess up musiically.
I can hear David's voice right now.
He's up there thanking God
singing a Cat Stevens song
in triumphant and grateful retrospect:
"I'm lookin' for hard-headed woman (hard-headed woman)
One who'll make me do my best
And if I find my hard-headed woman
I know the rest of my life will be blessed, yes (yes), yes, yes"
I appreciate the sentiment and David would never have listened to, let along sing a Cat Steven's song. More likely, Sonny Rollin's, Sunnymoon For Two, or a standard from the Great American Songbook.
You were so blessed to have had such a friend. I never really did, if you don’t count dogs! Now at this stage, after so many disappointments, it’s hard to know if you have a really good friend, until you are dropped!