Dear friend,
I realize this question may be painful
for some of us.
We may be thinking…best friend?
I don’t have any friends,
let alone a best one.
If this is the case
we are better off to face it
than to think we have lots of friends–
only to find out they’re not real.
There’s nothing worse
than watching the people
we thought were our friends
disappear
when we lose our job
our partner
our health
our mind.
So, what IS a real friend?
These days we friend this person and that person
and brag about how many Facebook friends we have...
But do we think deeply about what a real friend is?
Let me offer you an ideal picture.
A true friend:
1. Is honest. Never lies to me. Tells me the truth even when I don’t want to hear it.
2. Is reliable. Keeps their commitments to me, does what they say they will do.
3. Listens. Seeks to understand what I say, what I need. Comprehends who I really am.
4. Values who I am. Finds the best in me and supports my efforts to fulfill my life goals.
5. Never abandons me. Is always there for me. Stands by me through thick and thin.
6. Is kind and caring. Makes me feel safe. Comforts me in loss, pain, fear, illness, defeat.
7. Forgives me my weaknesses and failings when I screw up. Doesn’t make it worse.
8. Stands up for me when I am unjustly accused or mistreated; rallies me to do same.
9. Praises my efforts and accomplishments. Celebrates my victories with me.
10. Is not a member of the outrage culture—
does not tear others down online, in person, nor behind their back.
(If they do this, it is only a matter of time before they will tear ME down.)
The people in our life
Now let’s think about the people in our life.
Maybe make a little list of those living
as well as those who have passed away
whom we can see are our true friends.
Let’s thoughtfully and gratefully reflect
on these dear persons.
Let’s realize how fortunate we are
that they do (or did) their best
to relate with us
in at least some of the loyal ways described above.
OOPS– but we forgot someone!
Did you notice that there is someone missing
from our list?
Alas, we tend to forget this person entirely
when we think about our friends!
Hmmm…
who could it be?
……….
The person missing is ourselves.
We may not have realized it yet
but the person we most need
to be a true friend
indeed
to be our best friend
throughout our whole life
is the person looking back at us in the mirror.
So let’s look ourselves in the eyes today
and gently ask:
How good a friend am I to MYSELF?
How many of the ideal characteristics
of a true friend
do I have
in my relationship with me?
The big picture
Adding it all up…
If there is anyone (other than God)
who is being a better friend to us
than we are being to ourselves…
it just means we have some work to do.
A great place to start
is to choose the ideal characteristic
that we would most value further growth in.
As we become a better friend to ourselves,
we establish a stronger central core.
We build up our character
and our emotional strength and well being.
All aspects of our life go better.
Fortunately
becoming our own best friend
is very possible to do,
once we decide to.
Yes, it is challenging to change,
but take it from me—
changing ourselves
is a whole lot easier than changing other people.
Blessings,
Dr. Hall
Question:
What have you found gets in the way of being your own best friend?
Thank you so much for your kind words, and for being there for us with your wonderful probing questions and insight. As far as sciatic nerve pain goes, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy!
Oh no! Not more introspection! /s
But seriously, this letter is excellent advice. In fact, without ourselves as best friends, we'll always be disappointed in others.
I have a friend whose best friend goes back to grammar school. When we are all together the friend will say things that sound odd to me but my friend understands her and laughs. It's a sort of code. They are fortunate, indeed. I don't have many friends from "back in the day". It's not that I don't think of them fondly. But we have all evolved - in varying directions - so much so that the old days commonalities don't apply.
And in the case of two couples that we were formerly very close to, politics have poisoned my feelings. I prefer to remember them the way they were before they were captured by the Orange Menace. I am also afraid to learn that deep within them, there are ideas that attracted them to a bully. And so I will remember the "good old days" when we talked about all manner of stuff. We loved them. I can still love the memories.
Circling back to the premise of your "best friend" letter, I am reminded of what is attributed to Lao Tzu:
"Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power."
And at some point in his "Tao Te Ching" he asks: "How do I know these things? I look inside myself."
On an even deeper level, this idea is both wonderful and terrifying. My first reaction was absolutely! I like my best buddy. But what if somebody really doesn't? What if when someone looks inside and finds the "best friend" really upsetting. If that person is motivated to grow, I am smiling. If not, we may be unearthing what ails millions of people. That thing that allows or even encourages someone to do hateful, awful destructive things. Yikes.
Last night we watched a new release on Netflix. Adam Sandler's "Spaceman". I am not recommending it...unless you enjoy "out there humor". Spoiler alert: Ironically, the spaceman has to travel millions of miles to achieve introspection. A corny, obvious but essentially beautiful message.
Beautiful, just like your letter.
Thanks (again) Dr. Hall!