Why do we need to speak well of our former partner?

Dear friend,

Have you ever heard someone speak with respect
about the person they are no longer in a relationship with?

I didn’t think so.

If you did, it was rare.

We are used to hearing a long, angry rant
on what a phony cold ______ he/she was.

We certainly never hear someone admit
they left a good person by mistake!

George Strait admits having done that in his sad song
Nobody In His Right Mind Would Have Left Her.
But his is an ultra rare confession.

No, our previous partner is almost always summed up as:

They were rotten.

Maybe they were.

Maybe they really were
thoroughly and completely rotten.

Isn’t that why we refer to them
with disdain and disgust as “my EX”?

So why in the world would it be important
for us to change our ways
and speak well of them?

How I learned to speak differently

I got married at 19 to a fine young man.

We had two beautiful children
and together we raised them up
to become outstanding human beings.

After twenty-one years he felt the need to move on.
Yes, it broke my heart.
And no, I did not understand.

I had the good fortune, several years later,
to find and then marry another fine young man.

He had a generous heart.
He said he was grateful to my former husband
for giving him the opportunity to pick up the torch.
He always respectfully referred to him as “The Former.”

I remember how relieved I felt
that my new husband showed respect for the man
I had loved for so many years.

It took away a lot of pain.
It encouraged me to still honor him.

It gave me a way to speak of him
that comforted me in my loss.

Alas, after nearly twenty years
that young man also moved on.

But I always speak with respect of him, too.
And so does the fine beloved husband I have now
who picked up the torch ten years ago.

Respecting each man
even though he left me
freed me to love again.

Three reasons

Let me offer you three reasons why it is important
for us to speak well of our former partner.

Each one will build your freedom
to love and be loved.

Reason One: Responsibility

Speaking of our former partner with respect
acknowledges that however badly things went
we are not without responsibility.

We chose this person.

We chose to have a relationship with them.

We chose to marry them.
Nobody forced us to.

We very likely ignored warning signs
before and during our relationship.

And we very likely accepted things
we should not have accepted.

We played a role in the creation
and ultimate failure of this relationship.

No matter how much we would
prefer to deny that fact.

We are playing superior
when we refer disdainfully to our former partner
as “my ex.”

We are saying:
“I am the powerful one!
I have crossed them out!
XXX !
Serves them right!”

We may call them our Ex
but they’re really our Why.

They are our opportunity to ask ourselves Why.

Why did we DO that to ourselves?
Why did we set ourselves up to suffer?
Why were we so passive?

Only when we face ourselves with questions like these
and challenge ourselves to wake up and change our ways
will we have a chance to not repeat
doing the same thing with our next partner.

Speaking well of our former partner
shows we are taking responsibility and facing ourselves.

It shows we are willing to learn from our failure
in order to become a stronger person.

One who can choose carefully
the person we can trust to build with us
a healthy and lasting relationship.

Reason Two: Honor

We honor the best of what we had.
.
We show respect for the love we shared.

However brief and however flawed it was
we loved this person.

Very likely they also loved us.

As much as they were able at the time.

And for as long as they could.

Reason Three: Forgiveness.

We show that we have forgiven our previous partner
for the pain we experienced.

We are no longer torn apart.

No longer consumed
with hurt, rage and bitter resentment.

Therefore

we do not bring destructive judgments
and negative expectations
into our next relationship.

We are free.

Our heart is open.

We are ready to love at a higher level
than we were able to before.

And so…

I encourage each one of us
to be tender and forgiving
as we think about and talk about our former partner.

They were not perfect and neither were we.

Let us have a generous spirit.

Let us speak kindly of this person we loved.

It is likely that on some level
we still love them.

This is good.

Let us bless them as we let them go.

Blessings,

Dr. Hall