I can’t really comment Deborah, as I am fortunate enough to still be with the same wonderful partner I married 56 years ago.
Ironically, perhaps it is because we found each other when we were so young —- me only 13 and he only 15 years old that our marriage has been so successful. This is not to say that our marriage has never been stormy, but perhaps the key thing is that we weathered the storms together, quickly forgave each other, and now we love each other more than ever.
So I do agree with you that being forgiving is perhaps most important of all.
So sensible! I had only two girlfriends before I met my wife. But I remember both very fondly. My wife had many boyfriends before me. But any denigration of them would seem to be a denigration of her. Thanks Deborah for this post.
I wish your spirit of compassion and a clear sense of personal responsibility were contagious. Sadly, blaming out has been trending and dramatically endorsed and promoted at the top levels of our society. Grievance has taken on a momentum and a force that should frighten and alert us all. Did it start to flame out Tuesday night? Could it be that it is getting old...?
I was 20 when I first married. She was my best friend. It just made sense. But after four or five years I had grown into somebody else. Earth to young people. You don't really grow up at a particular age. Some of us are mature and wise early on. And some of us are slow to get there. Or never do.
My wife - the one I married when I was just a kid (and had kids with) - understood. We parted amicably. I did what was right financially. We stayed in close contact as they grew up. We were both just doing the best we could with what we had to work with. She was a fine mom - not my style, but a loving one.
I think there should be a high school course called "How to Choose a Mate and When..." The final class would focus on the various stages of a relationship. What it's like to raise kids and try to live a personal life, what it means to age with someone and what happens if you find yourself with someone whose world view is miles from your own. A lot of this is luck of the draw. But I certainly wish I'd had more information back then.
Would you have listened to the teacher in such a course when you were in high school? If so, would you have ignored teachings that ran counter to the example your parents set by their treatment of each other?
I agree about the high school course. It may have altered my life or, who knows, I may have ignored the advice, thinking that I knew better. "One never knows, do one?"
Outstanding post today. I have, in helping my daughter adjust to both living away from her mother, and adjusting to my former wife's death, discovered just how much I am responsible for the good and bad aspects of both relationships. This sort of learning is rarely easy, and it involved me acknowledging a lot of things I'd rather not have known about myself, but I am a better person, maybe a better father for it and my late former wife's memory is clearer for the removal of the blinders from the eyes of my mind.
So true! At this point they are all my favorite "ex". My advice and what I have done is right after the break-up is emphasize the memories of all the great times we had together, then years later you tend to think of that.
This is one of your most important posts. I hate that word, "ex." I think back fondly of my previous wives and dissecting where things went wrong, see my obvious complicity. In my present marriage I've managed to avoid those behaviors that ended my other relationships. One of the advantages of being old is being able to look back and see how the train went off the track.
Great piece. You show wisdom and company. I am fortunate to have found you on Substack.
It is soul nourishing to forgive our former mates and just as nourishing to forgive ourselves. It takes two to TANGLE.
I can’t really comment Deborah, as I am fortunate enough to still be with the same wonderful partner I married 56 years ago.
Ironically, perhaps it is because we found each other when we were so young —- me only 13 and he only 15 years old that our marriage has been so successful. This is not to say that our marriage has never been stormy, but perhaps the key thing is that we weathered the storms together, quickly forgave each other, and now we love each other more than ever.
So I do agree with you that being forgiving is perhaps most important of all.
So sensible! I had only two girlfriends before I met my wife. But I remember both very fondly. My wife had many boyfriends before me. But any denigration of them would seem to be a denigration of her. Thanks Deborah for this post.
Dr. Hall,
I wish your spirit of compassion and a clear sense of personal responsibility were contagious. Sadly, blaming out has been trending and dramatically endorsed and promoted at the top levels of our society. Grievance has taken on a momentum and a force that should frighten and alert us all. Did it start to flame out Tuesday night? Could it be that it is getting old...?
I was 20 when I first married. She was my best friend. It just made sense. But after four or five years I had grown into somebody else. Earth to young people. You don't really grow up at a particular age. Some of us are mature and wise early on. And some of us are slow to get there. Or never do.
My wife - the one I married when I was just a kid (and had kids with) - understood. We parted amicably. I did what was right financially. We stayed in close contact as they grew up. We were both just doing the best we could with what we had to work with. She was a fine mom - not my style, but a loving one.
I think there should be a high school course called "How to Choose a Mate and When..." The final class would focus on the various stages of a relationship. What it's like to raise kids and try to live a personal life, what it means to age with someone and what happens if you find yourself with someone whose world view is miles from your own. A lot of this is luck of the draw. But I certainly wish I'd had more information back then.
Would you have listened to the teacher in such a course when you were in high school? If so, would you have ignored teachings that ran counter to the example your parents set by their treatment of each other?
I agree about the high school course. It may have altered my life or, who knows, I may have ignored the advice, thinking that I knew better. "One never knows, do one?"
Thank you so much for sharing this, it spoke to me differently and blessed my heart❤️
Thank you Deborah for this essay. Your story is inspiring and this was so beautiful to read. I learned alot !
Outstanding post today. I have, in helping my daughter adjust to both living away from her mother, and adjusting to my former wife's death, discovered just how much I am responsible for the good and bad aspects of both relationships. This sort of learning is rarely easy, and it involved me acknowledging a lot of things I'd rather not have known about myself, but I am a better person, maybe a better father for it and my late former wife's memory is clearer for the removal of the blinders from the eyes of my mind.
So true! At this point they are all my favorite "ex". My advice and what I have done is right after the break-up is emphasize the memories of all the great times we had together, then years later you tend to think of that.
This is one of your most important posts. I hate that word, "ex." I think back fondly of my previous wives and dissecting where things went wrong, see my obvious complicity. In my present marriage I've managed to avoid those behaviors that ended my other relationships. One of the advantages of being old is being able to look back and see how the train went off the track.
What a topic!
It needs space!
To find the right ways!
I am curious as always!
Watch what you say to a mirror!
Compassion. Damn autocorrect.