This is a very interesting topic. I have come to a point where I visualize myself as a tree. The roots of the tree represent my Ancestors and remind where I come from, the sacrifices they made on my behalf and keep me grounded. The trunk of the tree is my core or body, and it makes me feel strong and resilient. The many branches of the tree represent all the various connections, relationships, and identities that make up my life so far and they continue to grow and expand as this adventure continues. Thank you for bringing up this memory of this realization from a four day “Dance to Heal the Earth” ceremony where we fasted, sweat, and danced together and prayed for peace in sacred ritual around a beautiful grandmother tree a couple of years ago.
Thanks, Deborah. Thought-provoking, and something I'll keep in the back of my mind. I'm finding a bit of myself in my writing and participation in discussions like this on Substack. I try not to be judgmental, but to be open to different ideas. Sometimes I fail, and in failure, I look for growth. I like your identity - it reads like a mission statement.
Deborah, thanks for your insightful advice about the importance of finding and expressing our own individual identity.
But today gender identity has become a major part of our so-called “culture wars”, and often defining our own gender identity is actually illegal. And schools are prohibited from even discussing gender identity with our young people, while transgender people are shunned and often sent words of hate on social media.
So I can’t entirely agree with you that all we need to do to express our individual identity is to be brave and go for it.
fascinating concept. I'm 80 now in the decade of death, and I suspect parts of the real me I have kept to myself for all these years because they might offend people. I've spent most of my life figuring out what offends people important to me and that has worked pretty well for what I consider a well lived life so far. I suspect Donald Trump's real me could not be any worse.....or could it? Yikes what if he wins will it really come out. thanks for the topic got me thinking and wanting to order the book on Amazon. You should get a commission.
Did your self exist before you were born? Will your self survive your death? Can you describe that self? Is that self immutable no matter your behavior or experiences in a "physical" domain. Traditionally, how one comports themselves in a physical domain has something to do with their non-physical destiny. Adding a metaphysical dimension to the idea of self also makes the idea of self so difficult to discuss with any certainty.
Is who you are your destiny? Is it essential? Can it be changed? If so, how many times? Is your self fluid or fixed? Who do others say you are? Is that important? Is what you do different than who you are? Do you hide who you are? Why? Can other people in your life change who you are? What if you don't like yourself?
In Buddhism, the idea of having an essential self is an illusion. To have a fully formed idea of self is an impediment to freedom and happiness.
Who a person is may not be easily shared. I have read about some cultures where a person has a name they use and another name, their real name, that is closely held. They believe that knowing their real name can give someone power over them.
I once read that when you marry someone you marry 3 people. The person you think they are, the person they really are, and the person they become. I identify with the people who closely guard their real name. People who have interacted with me for years do not know me. I hold onto "me" very tightly. "Me" is an evolving concept. I am not the same person I was 10 or 20 years ago. It is a process. I am looking forward to the rest of the journey.
I'm not an open book for the same reason I don't drink alcohol. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. My inhibitions serve to keep me from, among other things, speaking the truth. I have had bad experiences speaking the truth. Being an open book gives others power. The power to nurture or wound. My stories are chapters in my book, but I doubt it will ever be fully open.
Most of my battles have been internal. I have not served. Also, I spent too much of my life trying to please one who could not be pleased, trying to meet ever changing standards. NPD is a bitch. Much easier to be courteous to people but save me for me, and Soulmate.
From your description of yourself, it sounds like who you are is also what you do, and, in the West, those two things appear to be inseparable. Separating them is like answering a Zen Koan.
I always held that what I did as a career was not who I am. It was a means to an end. I saw many in my field who, unable to hold onto their self, became what they did for a living. Retirement left them empty because they did not have an identity beyond their profession. Some stayed in the field long after they were able to do good work for fear of facing their emptiness. I am glad that I held onto myself.
Yes, what we do is not who we are. When asked what they do, many people will say "I am a ,........" Not wanting to start an arguement, I just accept that for them.
That certainly raises the question about the definition of what makes a self an authentic self? What about a self confers authenticity? I would bet that a person's passions define who they are, to themselves. Yet, others close to them may disagree. See: family and spouses.
Self is a slippery topic to talk about with any certainty, as it is a subjective experience by definition. I would claim that any objective knowledge here is impossible, other than one's genetic makeup.
Now you're getting into deep water. Some say that the WHOLE idea of having a self is a subconscious defense against the abject reality that we're temporal creatures who reproduce, defecate, and die, like any other animal. We seem to recoil at the prospect of being just one creature among others
Didn't Plato say that if horses had hands they would make gods that looked like horses? Living a rural life one can see all manner of critters. They all have mostly the same parts inside of them. They all want to live and reproduce. I have often wondered why we as a species are so arrogant as to believe we are special. Talking naked apes whose history is mostly about killing others of our species so we can take their stuff. Not pretty.
This is a very interesting topic. I have come to a point where I visualize myself as a tree. The roots of the tree represent my Ancestors and remind where I come from, the sacrifices they made on my behalf and keep me grounded. The trunk of the tree is my core or body, and it makes me feel strong and resilient. The many branches of the tree represent all the various connections, relationships, and identities that make up my life so far and they continue to grow and expand as this adventure continues. Thank you for bringing up this memory of this realization from a four day “Dance to Heal the Earth” ceremony where we fasted, sweat, and danced together and prayed for peace in sacred ritual around a beautiful grandmother tree a couple of years ago.
Thank you Deborah for showing us how to identify ourselves. Beautiful essay!
Thanks, Deborah. Thought-provoking, and something I'll keep in the back of my mind. I'm finding a bit of myself in my writing and participation in discussions like this on Substack. I try not to be judgmental, but to be open to different ideas. Sometimes I fail, and in failure, I look for growth. I like your identity - it reads like a mission statement.
Deborah, thanks for your insightful advice about the importance of finding and expressing our own individual identity.
But today gender identity has become a major part of our so-called “culture wars”, and often defining our own gender identity is actually illegal. And schools are prohibited from even discussing gender identity with our young people, while transgender people are shunned and often sent words of hate on social media.
So I can’t entirely agree with you that all we need to do to express our individual identity is to be brave and go for it.
All I have to say is that now this song is haunting me. Thanks!
https://youtu.be/jRPredUExcU
fascinating concept. I'm 80 now in the decade of death, and I suspect parts of the real me I have kept to myself for all these years because they might offend people. I've spent most of my life figuring out what offends people important to me and that has worked pretty well for what I consider a well lived life so far. I suspect Donald Trump's real me could not be any worse.....or could it? Yikes what if he wins will it really come out. thanks for the topic got me thinking and wanting to order the book on Amazon. You should get a commission.
Did your self exist before you were born? Will your self survive your death? Can you describe that self? Is that self immutable no matter your behavior or experiences in a "physical" domain. Traditionally, how one comports themselves in a physical domain has something to do with their non-physical destiny. Adding a metaphysical dimension to the idea of self also makes the idea of self so difficult to discuss with any certainty.
Is who you are your destiny? Is it essential? Can it be changed? If so, how many times? Is your self fluid or fixed? Who do others say you are? Is that important? Is what you do different than who you are? Do you hide who you are? Why? Can other people in your life change who you are? What if you don't like yourself?
In Buddhism, the idea of having an essential self is an illusion. To have a fully formed idea of self is an impediment to freedom and happiness.
Self is a difficult subject.
Who a person is may not be easily shared. I have read about some cultures where a person has a name they use and another name, their real name, that is closely held. They believe that knowing their real name can give someone power over them.
I once read that when you marry someone you marry 3 people. The person you think they are, the person they really are, and the person they become. I identify with the people who closely guard their real name. People who have interacted with me for years do not know me. I hold onto "me" very tightly. "Me" is an evolving concept. I am not the same person I was 10 or 20 years ago. It is a process. I am looking forward to the rest of the journey.
Why are you a secret to others? For instance, why not be an "open book?"
What do you think would happen if strangers knew the private you?
I'm not an open book for the same reason I don't drink alcohol. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. My inhibitions serve to keep me from, among other things, speaking the truth. I have had bad experiences speaking the truth. Being an open book gives others power. The power to nurture or wound. My stories are chapters in my book, but I doubt it will ever be fully open.
Truth is generally considered good. Does it fall back to the adage about how you say it?
Lot's of men equate being known with being weak... vulnerable to attack. I truly don't understand that one. Is it a battlefield thing? 🤔
Most of my battles have been internal. I have not served. Also, I spent too much of my life trying to please one who could not be pleased, trying to meet ever changing standards. NPD is a bitch. Much easier to be courteous to people but save me for me, and Soulmate.
From your description of yourself, it sounds like who you are is also what you do, and, in the West, those two things appear to be inseparable. Separating them is like answering a Zen Koan.
I always held that what I did as a career was not who I am. It was a means to an end. I saw many in my field who, unable to hold onto their self, became what they did for a living. Retirement left them empty because they did not have an identity beyond their profession. Some stayed in the field long after they were able to do good work for fear of facing their emptiness. I am glad that I held onto myself.
Yes, what we do is not who we are. When asked what they do, many people will say "I am a ,........" Not wanting to start an arguement, I just accept that for them.
If someone trusts me, I ask them what they're passionate about. Sometimes it's very different from what they do.
For those who can separate what they do from who they are. Others are not so fortunate.
It can also different from who they are.
That certainly raises the question about the definition of what makes a self an authentic self? What about a self confers authenticity? I would bet that a person's passions define who they are, to themselves. Yet, others close to them may disagree. See: family and spouses.
Self is a slippery topic to talk about with any certainty, as it is a subjective experience by definition. I would claim that any objective knowledge here is impossible, other than one's genetic makeup.
It also calls into question, what is a self and is there a self, much like the made-up terms ego, id, etc.
Now you're getting into deep water. Some say that the WHOLE idea of having a self is a subconscious defense against the abject reality that we're temporal creatures who reproduce, defecate, and die, like any other animal. We seem to recoil at the prospect of being just one creature among others
Didn't Plato say that if horses had hands they would make gods that looked like horses? Living a rural life one can see all manner of critters. They all have mostly the same parts inside of them. They all want to live and reproduce. I have often wondered why we as a species are so arrogant as to believe we are special. Talking naked apes whose history is mostly about killing others of our species so we can take their stuff. Not pretty.
As long as I keep defecating I'll be satisfied.