Dear friend, Look at these delicate wings! These are the wings that lift a dragonfly into the air. Isn’t it amazing that we can see right through them! They are transparent. Light is shining through these wings and nothing is blocking our view. Can you feel their freedom?
If someone is unwise about the duplicitous nature of humans, couldn't guileless, kind-hearted people become the victims of those who are ignorant about graceful, non-transactional relationships? Isn't there a definite risk/reward dilemma with transparency? For instance, things can sour in a relationship and those who have trusted and disclosed could have disclosures used for vindictive purposes.
On the other hand, simultaneous trust and regard is joy.
Another fine letter! It really asks us to evaluate our relationships in a beautiful but maybe scary way.
The word that jumped off the page to me is "trust". After more than a couple of attempts at marriage, I found the person I can trust. With my thoughts and with our money. The latter would make an interesting piece, I think.
Kudos on another letter that really asks us to think deeply.
Deborah, This is very useful advice about how to have genuine intimacy.
However I wonder how one can attain this with a loved one or friend who is dying? At such times the dying person usually is very focused on dying and what that means to them, and naturally, the last thing she or he is interested in is attaining genuine intimacy with anyone.
This may be painful for us who love them. But surely all we can do is accept and respect their feelings. And of course be there for them. —- but NOT expecting them to want intimacy with us or anyone.
Deborah, I completely agree that with a dying person our role is to perceive THEIR needs, which may vary a lot from person to person.
However, in my own experience, it is still very difficult not to experience intimacy with a dying loved one. We want them to really feel how much we love them.
Perhaps the best thing is just to privately weep, which I am doing a lot of these days.
Deborah, why do you assume this is a man whose imminent death I am grieving? Actually it is a very dear woman friend of mine.
But otherwise I appreciate your great advice to leave special little notes for the beloved person who is dying. What I also do is leave with my dear friend little stuffed animals like a frog that can “talk” to her when its belly is pressed, for her to take care of and cuddle with her. This way she knows that I have been there with her and that I love her dearly.
I am sorry I assumed it was a man. I thought you were grieving the impending loss of your husband. I should not make assumptions.
Thank you for teaching me such a tender and powerful way to convey our love to a dear friend who is dying. I am deeply moved thinking of her caring for and cuddling
her little talking frog that you gave her.
You are the wonderful friend we all would wish to have.
One of the additional benefits of an open relationship is the ability of this relationship to calm your own mind. By not having to do “mental gymnastics” in one’s head trying to figure out how your thoughts might be perceived- you can be at peace and in the moment. This is such a great gift- especially for “over thinkers”. I have found this and the peaceful sleeps I enjoy as a result of “not filtering” has benefited every other aspect of my life.
I'd like to be this way, Deborah. But understand ... this presents a dilemma for many men.
I was married for 36 years, but sharing intimacy was a real issue before my wife died four years ago. I rarely opened up to her in those later years. When I did, it was thrown back in my face ... my feelings were weaponized against me.
As you know, I have cast aside my anger and bitterness about my previous life. I now choose my regrets, and frankly have very few. But this is one of the few where I still tread carefully.
Beautifully written. You show deep understanding and empathy. I don't know you but I know that you are good at what you do. I am blessed to have Soulmate in my life. She is the other half of me in every way. The intimacy you describe requires opening the most vulnerable parts of yourself to another. For some of us that is incredibly difficult to do. Intimacy on this level doesn't sustain itself, it must be tended and nurtured. Thank you for the reminder.
Wow thank you for such a great, descriptive compliment. I think your writing style is similar to mine. You break down complex theories into palatable, readable stories . Never was that more apparent than your last post.
I was fortunate to have that transparency with my beloved husband, that a because of his strong love for me I could share my deepest emotions with him. He helped me put many a nightmare to rest. When I tried to do the same with my daughter, share my deepest feelings of myself so that she would have a better understanding of me and bring us closer, it had the opposite effect. She used what I shared with her against me. It actually destroyed the relationship instead of making it better. You do have to be super careful who you choose to be transparent with. I also feel that if you choose to be honest and open about yourself and that person turns against you, then that relationship isn’t worth keeping.
Very true. Sharing your vulnerable self gives the person you share with the power to nurture or to wound. This says it better than I can. It was played at our wedding 33 years ago.
There are 3 people that I want to build that relationship with, and they don't want it. They prefer to remain at a distance and at the same time act as if we were close. Is a puzzlement.
How beautiful that you have it with your wife, the most important person in your life. I still have one high school friend who knows me inside and out and still loves me! My recent friends know me as I appear, but I often wonder about who is it they think they know and love. People are so complex.
I would really like to be the person they appear to love! I now have a daughter of the heart who thinks that I’m wonderful and very special. I just hope that I never disappoint her!
You, seen through their eyes, may be the person they appear to love. I think that at some point we all disappoint someone. That's why forgiveness and love exists. Perfection is a myth and a trap. We can never achieve perfection. We can do things perfectly, but achieving perfection is illusory at best. From the words you have written, you appear to be a loving, kind, sensitive person and that is a rarity, treasure yourself.
Just a question about being careful...
If someone is unwise about the duplicitous nature of humans, couldn't guileless, kind-hearted people become the victims of those who are ignorant about graceful, non-transactional relationships? Isn't there a definite risk/reward dilemma with transparency? For instance, things can sour in a relationship and those who have trusted and disclosed could have disclosures used for vindictive purposes.
On the other hand, simultaneous trust and regard is joy.
Hello B! Thank you so much for writing.
This is a vital question that you raise.
Yes, there IS a very real risk/reward dilemma with transparency.
A guileless and kind hearted person
with a naive view of human nature
simply will not recognize ahead of time
that they are dealing with a person
with whom it is not safe to be transparent.
The kind person is so used to looking for the good in others
that they may be utterly blind to the destructive potential
that exists in all humans and differs only in degree.
Thus they may be highly vulnerable
to trusting and disclosing with the wrong person,
only to have their trust betrayed.
Sometimes it their very naivete that has attracted
the ignorant user, the manipulator.
The answer does not lie in becoming a less trusting human being.
A person who cannot trust cannot love.
The answer lies in becoming a more fully aware human being.
One who sees the destructive potential in people
and therefore realizes the imperative of becoming highly discerning.
The necessity of becoming a wise and careful person
who makes wise and careful decisions,
AFTER making a full and sober evaluation of whether or not
to trust a particular person with transparent sharing.
In most cases when vindictive disclosure of shared material occurs,
all the warning signs were there but were overlooked.
Going back afterwards and identifying the signs that were missed
is an excellent way to develop the power of discernment and prevention.
It takes work to attain clarity and accuracy in our risk assessment,
but the reward is immense.
As you say, achieving a relationship based in simultaneous trust and regard is joy.
"Be wise as serpents, innocent as doves."
That's what I call a Razor's Edge.
Another fine letter! It really asks us to evaluate our relationships in a beautiful but maybe scary way.
The word that jumped off the page to me is "trust". After more than a couple of attempts at marriage, I found the person I can trust. With my thoughts and with our money. The latter would make an interesting piece, I think.
Kudos on another letter that really asks us to think deeply.
Bill,
I was just thinking about you!
I was going to write to thank you
because it was your excellent suggestion
that I write shorter letters,
and thus be more succinct,
that led to how I wrote this one.
I am much happier
with this way of writing my letter,
and it has been well received.
Now,
thank you also for your thoughts today.
Yes, you are right--it sure IS all about trust.
I too had to learn the hard way
that character is king.
The only person we will EVER
be able to trust completely
is an individual of high character.
I am happy that you and I both found one.
I don't know enough about problems in money trust
to be able to write about it
as I haven't had to deal with that
but it would indeed make an interesting piece.
You have encouraged me greatly
by saying my letter asks us to think deeply,
even when it's scary.
That is my goal with every letter
and it is very reassuring to hear from you
that I am doing that.
Thank you so much for all
your thoughtful responses and ideas.
This is so incredibly beautiful. I’ve been thinking a lot about how truth and authenticity is true love.
Welcome to Solutions, Jen.
I believe you will find kindred spirits here.
Thank you so much for your kind words
about my letter.
It is the deepest hope
of all us writers
that we will touch the soul
of another person.
Your tender posts
touched me immediately.
Yes, as you say,
"truth and authenticity is true love."
Let us pursue this ideal
in all we do.
Deborah, This is very useful advice about how to have genuine intimacy.
However I wonder how one can attain this with a loved one or friend who is dying? At such times the dying person usually is very focused on dying and what that means to them, and naturally, the last thing she or he is interested in is attaining genuine intimacy with anyone.
This may be painful for us who love them. But surely all we can do is accept and respect their feelings. And of course be there for them. —- but NOT expecting them to want intimacy with us or anyone.
Patricia,
Thank you for raising how different the question of intimacy becomes
when we are relating with a loved one or friend who is dying.
Yes, as you clearly put it, we must "be there for them --
but NOT expecting them to want intimacy with us or anyone."
When a person is dying
we let go of our need to receive anything from them.
If, of their own volition, they seek to give,
we receive with appreciation,
but our task is to perceive THEIR needs.
Their needs cannot be assumed nor generalized--they must be discovered.
Each person is entirely unique.
Each person has entirely different wants and needs and fears as they are dying.
There is only so much of reality that each person can stand to admit,
even to themselves.
Some withdraw entirely into their own inner resources and want no intrusion.
Some reach out and seek to connect so they can be comforted and reassured.
Some feel abandoned by God and seek ways to vent their anger and disappointment.
One person may range between all these states and others
on different days or at different stages.
Our task each day is to discover: What is my loved one's need today?
And how can I peacefully and lovingly best meet that need?
Deborah, I completely agree that with a dying person our role is to perceive THEIR needs, which may vary a lot from person to person.
However, in my own experience, it is still very difficult not to experience intimacy with a dying loved one. We want them to really feel how much we love them.
Perhaps the best thing is just to privately weep, which I am doing a lot of these days.
Patricia,
I added a second reply
below my first.
Patricia,
I aso so glad you wrote me back.
I now realize that I missed
your actual question.
Let me ponder and I will write you tomorrow.
Meanwhile yes it is good to weep. My tears are falling as I type this.
I wish you courage.
Patricia,
I think the deep question you are asking, which I missed, is:
How can we create intimacy with a loved one who is dying
so that they can really feel how much we love them?
Because I don't know you, nor your loved one, nor your relationship,
the specific actions I suggest below may not fit.
But hopefully they open up potential avenues
and ways of thinking that may lead in the direction you seek.
Ask yourself: Why is he not letting me in?
It could be that it takes all his strength
to maintain control and remain courageous.
Perhaps he cannot allow himself to connect and feel emotion
because he fears he will break down.
You and I, we women, we cry lots,
and don't feel ashamed when we do.
A man may never have cried since early childhood.
He may fear the loss of his manhood if he does.
SO--
How to connect with your beloved man
without endangering the inner control
to which he may be desperately clinging?
Find ways for him to receive your love
without your presence.
You are not there to observe his emotional reactions
and potential loss of control.
You do not SEE the tears he may be unable to prevent
if he allows himself to actually FEEL how much you love him.
Your goal is to reach him, but allow him to remain private.
Ask yourself:
What could he receive from me without my presence?
What can he open when I'm not there?
I suggest you write him little love notes.
Start with just a few simple words on little piece of paper
tucked in an envelope, unobtrusively placed
(such as on his tray of food) before you depart
Just simple calm and loving words such as
"I am always here with you,
and you are always with me."
Make it a ritual that he regularly finds a little envelope from you
at a specific time (could be daily, or once or twice a week)
so he comes to count on receiving it before you leave.
You never mention the notes,
and you don't need him to mention them either.
Think of them as thank you notes.
What a man wants most in life is to feel his life mattered.
That it had an impact, especially on those he cherishes.
He has cherished you all these years.
So you thank him for ONE way he did that, in each note.
Little memories that are true and tender.
Now,
if your man is a stubborn guy
and refuses to open your envelopes...
Do not despair, Patricia.
He still loves you.
He knows darn well that these envelopes
are little gifts from your heart.
He KNOWS what they mean,
without even opening them.
They mean you are with him.
The mean you forgive him for dying.
They mean you still love him tender,
each and every day.
And that IS what you want him to know.
Deborah, why do you assume this is a man whose imminent death I am grieving? Actually it is a very dear woman friend of mine.
But otherwise I appreciate your great advice to leave special little notes for the beloved person who is dying. What I also do is leave with my dear friend little stuffed animals like a frog that can “talk” to her when its belly is pressed, for her to take care of and cuddle with her. This way she knows that I have been there with her and that I love her dearly.
Patricia,
I am sorry I assumed it was a man. I thought you were grieving the impending loss of your husband. I should not make assumptions.
Thank you for teaching me such a tender and powerful way to convey our love to a dear friend who is dying. I am deeply moved thinking of her caring for and cuddling
her little talking frog that you gave her.
You are the wonderful friend we all would wish to have.
One of the additional benefits of an open relationship is the ability of this relationship to calm your own mind. By not having to do “mental gymnastics” in one’s head trying to figure out how your thoughts might be perceived- you can be at peace and in the moment. This is such a great gift- especially for “over thinkers”. I have found this and the peaceful sleeps I enjoy as a result of “not filtering” has benefited every other aspect of my life.
Graydon,
Thank you for pointing out these additional benefits
of an open relationship--
and the fact that it benefits ALL aspects of our lives.
I had not thought of this.
On reflection, I find this fact soooo true.
YES, what a RELIEF, when I compare the relaxed unguarded peace
I enjoy in my transparent relationship with my husband
with former situations where I had to do continuous "mental gymnastics"
(what a great term :) just to get through each day.
Yes, as you say,
I can be at peace and in the moment,
and sleep well.
Great read. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Lisa.
It is so encouraging to hear that you feel that way.
I'd like to be this way, Deborah. But understand ... this presents a dilemma for many men.
I was married for 36 years, but sharing intimacy was a real issue before my wife died four years ago. I rarely opened up to her in those later years. When I did, it was thrown back in my face ... my feelings were weaponized against me.
As you know, I have cast aside my anger and bitterness about my previous life. I now choose my regrets, and frankly have very few. But this is one of the few where I still tread carefully.
Jim,
Thank you for sharing your painful experiences
when you attempted to be open with your wife.
Yes, I agree being open presents a major dilemma
to all the men who have been wounded in the effort.
I am sorry you went through the devastating loss
of intimacy with your wife.
I am guessing her turning your feelings back against you
was worse than her death.
It is often impossible to maintain intimacy
with someone who has lost their emotional health.
They project the cause of their unhappiness onto us
and attack us when we attempt to stay close to them.
You are being merciful toward yourself
and toward the memory of the best of her
as you move forward carefully.
This was beautiful.
You dug right down to the essence of meaningful connection.
It is nothing but an art - an entire way of life - to achieve even one of these connections, and well worth the effort.
Thank you.
Sam,
I keep reading your wise words:
"It is nothing but an art--an entire way of life--"
I never thought that.
Yes it is.
It's an entire way of life
to be a deep connector.
I think if we want deep connection with others
we must first build our capacity for it
by becoming deeply connected with ourselves.
Tender and aware and self protective of ourselves
especially against the destructive part of our own mind.
When we are safe within ourselves
we are safe for another person to trust.
They do not have to fear that rage and critical attack
will transpire against them,
because the sadistic part of our mind
has been successfully disempowered and its lies debunked
by the constructive power of our strong healthy ego.
I do that challenging inner work daily
and thus I am free to be open and trusting.
I am transparent here in Solutions.
And it gives me great joy
to feel the reciprocal tender awareness
developing here between us and among us.
It was my hope that I could build
such real and deep connections online.
I shall gently tend and nurture them.
Thank you greatly for being here, Sam,
and for giving the best of yourself.
Beautifully written. You show deep understanding and empathy. I don't know you but I know that you are good at what you do. I am blessed to have Soulmate in my life. She is the other half of me in every way. The intimacy you describe requires opening the most vulnerable parts of yourself to another. For some of us that is incredibly difficult to do. Intimacy on this level doesn't sustain itself, it must be tended and nurtured. Thank you for the reminder.
Fred,
I run on words.
Your kind words fuel my soul.
Thank you for writing them to me.
Very wise words.
Thank you, Catherine.
Your response is so encouraging.
Infopoetry! Simple and real.
o my
Infopoetry!
How delightful a word!
Knowing you, I figured you coined it.
Looked it up, and in meaning you did.
The word existed, but had heretofore
only been applied to data analytics.
You apply it here
to psychological insights
you consider to have been
delivered poetically.
Wow.
You have no idea
how galvanizing and inspiring it was
to have my letter defined as infopoetry!
O the power of a single word
when it emerges from a poet
who sees inside the world.
As I have said before, Stanley,
you have a powerful gift.
You render the essence of vital matters
into only a few words.
This time it only took you one.
Wow thank you for such a great, descriptive compliment. I think your writing style is similar to mine. You break down complex theories into palatable, readable stories . Never was that more apparent than your last post.
Stanley,
Your words affirm and galvanize me.
I spent decades building my own original theory
of the cause of human suffering.
It has taken further decades
to build my capacities to convey my ideas,
and to find a channel for offering
practical applications of my theory
in a palatable form.
Thank you for telling me
I am doing this now.
I am deeply encouraged by your words.
My pleasure it is easy when you have the truth to tell.
I was fortunate to have that transparency with my beloved husband, that a because of his strong love for me I could share my deepest emotions with him. He helped me put many a nightmare to rest. When I tried to do the same with my daughter, share my deepest feelings of myself so that she would have a better understanding of me and bring us closer, it had the opposite effect. She used what I shared with her against me. It actually destroyed the relationship instead of making it better. You do have to be super careful who you choose to be transparent with. I also feel that if you choose to be honest and open about yourself and that person turns against you, then that relationship isn’t worth keeping.
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Joanne.
You bring forward the painful difficulties we all face
when our efforts to get closer result in pain.
Facing the limits of some of our own family relationships
is very hard and disappointing indeed.
You explore these challenges so constructively
in your insightful dialogue with Herr.
We all have so much to learn from each other.
I so look forward to your column every week. You’ve brought Herr and me together in friendship. You’re a blessing to both of us.
https://youtu.be/aXXqDWsCzuk?si=xaL1ZbKGfOKQFehd
Very true. Sharing your vulnerable self gives the person you share with the power to nurture or to wound. This says it better than I can. It was played at our wedding 33 years ago.
Fred,
I played this lovely song over and over,
thrilled with every line.
Hadn't heard it in a long while.
Astonishing how it conveys the essence of love.
What a powerful way to launch your marriage!
Looks like it has been with you all these 33 years
and just keeps on lighting the way.
Thank you for sharing the song that blesses you.
There are 3 people that I want to build that relationship with, and they don't want it. They prefer to remain at a distance and at the same time act as if we were close. Is a puzzlement.
Herr,
Yes, it is a puzzlement.
The reason each person remains at a distance is different.
So is each person's interpretation of what distance is.
All 3 people you want to get closer with
may believe they already are,
and are quite satisfied.
There are limits to transparency.
Full transparency and intimacy in all areas
is only healthy to have with our love partner.
Wise limits are essential with family and friends.
Potentially, specific areas of increased closeness
can gently be built with some of them,
if they are open to it.
Thanks, that helps, especially the part where they may be quite satisfied with the relationship the way it is.
ps what a beautiful dialogue with Joanne
Yes, we've been emailing back and forth all day. She's a kind-hearted person. She's another good reason to subscribe to your substack.
This gives me great joy, Herr
Sending you a big smile all the way to Thailand!!!
You still haven’t found that perfect relationship, but keep looking! Don’t settle.
I have that perfect relationship with my wife, it's the others that disturb me.
They may not be ready for so much trust and sharing. Perhaps they have been wounded in the past.
How beautiful that you have it with your wife, the most important person in your life. I still have one high school friend who knows me inside and out and still loves me! My recent friends know me as I appear, but I often wonder about who is it they think they know and love. People are so complex.
As long as they continue to love you, don't worry about it.
I would really like to be the person they appear to love! I now have a daughter of the heart who thinks that I’m wonderful and very special. I just hope that I never disappoint her!
You, seen through their eyes, may be the person they appear to love. I think that at some point we all disappoint someone. That's why forgiveness and love exists. Perfection is a myth and a trap. We can never achieve perfection. We can do things perfectly, but achieving perfection is illusory at best. From the words you have written, you appear to be a loving, kind, sensitive person and that is a rarity, treasure yourself.